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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

653 replies

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 20/04/2026 20:54

I'd worry if that was is going to happen every time he goes to a celebration without you.

Bringbackbuffy · 20/04/2026 20:56

Grim. He’s getting so drunk he allows another woman to lower herself onto his face? Fuck that.

Slugtamer · 20/04/2026 20:56

It’s gross, but I guess you already know he’s like this and to say he had no choice is pretty weak…

ArachneArachne · 20/04/2026 20:59

I don’t take the ‘Peer pressure made me do this stupid thing’ from my just-turned-fourteen year old.

BeMintFatball · 20/04/2026 20:59

What did the other wife hope to achieve by showing you the video?

it does sound seedy but also something that was done to him. Same as other grooms-to-be.

An element of humiliation is a hazard of going on a stag do. Think your man needs better friends

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2026 21:00

Don’t marry this guy

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 20/04/2026 21:01

That's cheating in my book

Tableforjoan · 20/04/2026 21:01

At least you found out now before marrying him.

Now you know what him and his friends like to do and that he has zero will power to go nah sorry lads not my kinda thing.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 20/04/2026 21:02

At least you found out now and not when you were married.

You can untangle yourself from him with minimal fuss.

Goldfsh · 20/04/2026 21:02

Wow, he has the smallest balls in the universe then.

I'd end it personally.

SardinesOnButteredToast · 20/04/2026 21:03

He had no choice as in, he was sexually assaulted? I'm so sorry for you, and you are completely right to feel humiliated by this man's public disrespect of you and your feelings.

I really don't give a rat's ass about all the apologists who will doubtless turn up to tell you what fun all men get up to. I wouldn't choose to be married to a man who behaved like this. I've got more self respect. Cue all the handmaidens shilling for the patriarchy telling me what a great man he probably is, and that I really really wouldn't end a relationship based on this. Yes I would. I absolutely goddamn would.

cheddercherry · 20/04/2026 21:05

ArachneArachne · 20/04/2026 20:59

I don’t take the ‘Peer pressure made me do this stupid thing’ from my just-turned-fourteen year old.

Seconded. Funnily enough as a women I’ve never been so drunk that despite being in a relationship I’ve let a stranger put their genitals onto my face and grind on me before…. Funny how men have such a different reaction to alcohol that makes them so susceptible to this behaviour…but only on stag do’s… don’t worry… it doesn’t ever happen when they normally go out, coincidentally….

But yeah did we leave our brain in high school with the old “but my mates were doing it”, no you’re not overreacting.

Random321 · 20/04/2026 21:07

She's clearly stirring....is her DH not actively involved too?

Was your partner really enjoying and encouraging it or did he look in anyway resistant, embarrased or awkward?

Pallisers · 20/04/2026 21:07

you aren't overreacting but these are his friends and, presumably, this isn't out of character for them - this is what they do when off on stag dos. Next time he goes on one with a friend this is the kind of thing that will happen too.

I love the "normal bar that happened to have a woman on the podium". I have yet to walk into a bar with a skimpily bondage dressed woman on a podium prepared to fake sex acts with drunken men - did she do this out of the goodness of her heart?

What does it matter what the other wife hoped to achieve? If what he did was fine then the OP should see what everyone else in the group chat saw. If it wasn't fine then she also deserves to see it?

None of this would be for me in the man I'm going to marry but that's me.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 20/04/2026 21:09

Well you at least have evidence of what went on at the stag do.A lot of brides go through with the wedding blissfully unaware of the disgusting antics of the groom and the rest of the participants on these booze and sex pre marriage shindigs.

Do you really want to marry a man who gets off his head drunk, plays games with sex workers and then blames his pals because they forced him into it?

You are worth more than tying yourself to this morally bereft excuse for a man.

Original poster
Aquadream · 20/04/2026 21:10

@Random321 id say looked awkward but he was clearly very drunk

@Pallisers it wasn’t free the best man paid for it apparently

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 20/04/2026 21:10

If he didn’t kiss her or touch her in any way I would be upset initially but like a previous poster said, I’d probably take it as part of the stag if this behaviour is massively out of character for him? His friends sound immature.

Whoever sent you the video was sending you a juicy hook to stir up some drama. Don’t give her the pleasure of biting. She has tried to humiliate you. xo

Original poster
Aquadream · 20/04/2026 21:11

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary no he didn’t do either of those things, and his hands were restrained

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 20/04/2026 21:13

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 21:11

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary no he didn’t do either of those things, and his hands were restrained

That’s good.x

B1anche · 20/04/2026 21:14

How would he feel if all his mates saw a video of a male dancer with his penis in your face while all your friends stand around clapping?

OtterlyAstounding · 20/04/2026 21:15

I'd consider that cheating, myself. Either way, it's vile. I'm sorry, OP, how humiliating – but at least you have the facts thanks to your friend.

notacooldad · 20/04/2026 21:16

I don’t take the ‘Peer pressure made me do this stupid thing’ from my just-turned-fourteen year old.

100%.

I remember my lad at 14 telling me about peer pressure and I gave him strategies to get out of situations. He told me a couple of months later they had worked and a couple of mates followed his lead and they got out of a dodgy situation he didn't want to be in.

If a mid teen lad can fo that I'm sure an adult male who is with his supposed friends can as well.

Darkladyofthesonnets · 20/04/2026 21:19

My husband would never have gone along with this. If he had, and I can't imagine he would have, I would have thought less of him. Are all his friends so sleazy? The other wife is trying to stir up drama but msy have inadvertently done you a favour. You don't just marry a man you marry into a lifestyle and I doubt this sort of lifestyle would suit me.

ArtAngel · 20/04/2026 21:21

B1anche · 20/04/2026 21:14

How would he feel if all his mates saw a video of a male dancer with his penis in your face while all your friends stand around clapping?

Not to mention, with your pants down

Ask him this OP.

AmberLime · 20/04/2026 21:26

Decent men would not do this. Full stop.

How do you feel knowing that? There are better.

My husband (of 25y) would not entertain going anywhere near a place like this, let alone doing anything like that.

He has too much respect for me, and women in general, to consider it.

This comes down to core values.