To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

I can only say the accident sounds horrible and I really feel for you and your mum for what you’re going through together. As for your brother, it sounds like he’s not going to be there for her. This must be hugely frustrating but I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to change the situation.

It's time for you to talk to your mum and tell her how you feel. That you don't mind looking after her, but that it can't all fall on you and that your brother needs to help.

I would then message him saying you are bringing mother to his tomorrow and he will need to look after her for a while to give you a break.

I've seen it many times. One child gets lumbered and the others tell everyone how much they do.

My wife is in a similar position, mil is 97. But is fit and fairly ok and lives only 10 minutes away. Wife had to go postal in January when we went away and discovered that her sister hadn't come to do mil washing (she's in a retirement complex with communal machines with a set timeslot for her use)

You have to accept that your brother isn’t going to upend his life. People have many reasons to not become caregivers and they aren’t always selfish.

then you need to decide how to manage your own life. What you are doing is not sustainable.

I’m sorry OP.

I’m in a similarlish position - DM needs care and has moved in, my siblings don’t get involved at all. As much as it sucks (and trust me, after YEARS of thinking this is temporary, I do get it) he ‘owes’ her nothing, the same as none of us really owe our parents anything. You’re choosing to step up (and again, I get it doesn’t feel like a choice) but in reality if social workers/carers had to get involved because you refused, they’d sort something out.

If you think he wouldn’t let it get that far, I’d be tempted to call his bluff and say without help you’ll have to get adult social services involved as you can’t/won’t help any more - then when he panics make a more equitable plan. Unfortunately both my siblings wouldn’t care if that happened, so I’m a bit ‘stuck’ too.

What could you do and still have a life and time for your family. Think about what you want. Is it time to look at Care Homes. Perhaps the thought of DMs money going on care might make DB do something but I doubt it.

Re: AUBU
No, your brother is selfish and your mother enables it.

Re: What should you do.
Ensure your mother's will is changed to compensate you fairly. Keep all receipts, meticulously document all you do for your mum, ie personal care, cooking, cleaning, phone calls, speaking on her behalf or assisting her at appts, time involved, mileage driven for everything including going to her home, what you give up, in short everything including all calls to your brother noting his excuses and refusals, preferably start messaging him/emailing so you have his written replies, all so you can contest the will and make a claim for compensation from the estate. I'd likely try to get something written from my mum promising reimbursement.

Or

Do everything out if the goodness of your heart, or what you can do

Or

Mum goes to a home

Being hamstrung for what to do is due to inaction for your own wants and needs and not wanting to rock the family boat while silently seething and dying of exhaustion.

You speak to adult services and get a care plan in place. Be that she is in her own home with carers or ina care home

If POA isn't in place it needs to be, as a matter of urgency.

This, absolutely.

And your brother is bloody selfish, OP.

Does she have money for care? Can you get her into a home for respite until you decide what you want to do? Definitely get her assessed by social services. Also POA for both health and welfare.

Make sure you have applied for carer's allowance as a starting point and either you receive it or she uses it to source additional help if she doesn't want to go into supported accommodation

All you can do is decide what you can do and do that
You cannot make your brother step up ( voice of bitter experience x2 )
Get a referral to Social work for help to bridge the gaps

You sound like a lovely and unselfish person, a person I don't have the capacity to be sadly.

You are choosing to care for your mum. Your brother is effectively setting a boundary. The same boundary I would also set, as I'm not cut out or prepared to offer adult care under any circumstances. If he doesn't want to do the care, you can't make him. You can only decide what you are willing to offer.

It sounds to me like she has to go into a home, or have significant outside care at home. You will break yourself trying to do this and work full time.

Very best of luck whatever you decide to do.

The current situation isn't working and it sounds like DB is being selfish. But would your DM allow him to help her go to the toilet and wash? DGM did not allow her sons to do this, only her daughters and DILs . Your Mum might be more comfortable with a carer doing intimate care, her dignity is important too. It shouldn't fall on you to do everything, but it might be that you need professional help whether that's carers or a care home.

DB lives 4 hours away. That's probably 200 miles. A long way for someone to get involved in day to day care of your poor DM. And yes, look into respite care for her. Maybe DB can contribute towards the cost of care? I'll

This, did your mum end up in hospital? Am assuming she did for the concussion diagnosis. Did they talk about the level Nov care required on discharge, as what would have been the plan if you also lived far away?

You need to involve adult social care and start talking to your mum about care homes. They will not expect you to devote your life to this. Doesn’t matter that she is skint, she can apply for funding, they will do an assessment and it will go from there.

Agree with PP that different people are going to have different limits on what sort of care they can do. You need to get in touch with adult social services.

Oh OP that sounds very stressful for you and your poor mum.
My sibling is absolutely useless at stepping up for our mum and in the end i literally screamed at him for 20 minutes on the phone and told him to go and see her and help out.

He did afaik, but not very much. I live in a different country and work full time, and yet over the last 3 years (she has declined sharply in this time) he has been twice. He lives an hour away.

Thanks everyone. There is no money - nothing. There will be no will to contest, and no financial incentive for DB to act. It also means she's not able to pay for care and social services won't get involved at this point (I know, as we had such a battle with my dad). Social care in our area is a joke - really bad. It's not my first rodeo there!

I am just so angry. We had the most horrendous few years with my dad before he died. None of this is new, or a surprise. And while I don't expect DB to get involved in the day to day, I DO expect him to at least stay informed about what's happening to HIS mother.

But yes, I need to accept he won't change. I need to find a way to deal with this anger. I need to find a way for my wants and needs to be met because this anger, this fury, isn't good for me. Or for my mum, who I do love and for whom I do want the best.

How can they live with themselves? I just don't get it. My DB talks about how much he loves his parents, he was 'devastated' when our dad died, but he did bugger all. How can he not see the cognitive dissonance?

Ridiculous. It is in fact illegal to co-erce someone to be a carer, everyone has the right to choose how much (or how little) they are able to offer.

Simply put, OP, you need to decide what you are/are not able and willing to do, and stick to your boundaries.

Sounds like your Mum needs Adult Social Care involved.

Definitely just drop her off with him. Even if he has to return with her same day. He needs to accept it's 50% his role as well. Don't allow them to bully you into it. Take a huge step back if you can....the sooner the better.

The LA will have to provide care if your DM cannot afford it if she is unable to care for herself. You need to get the ball rolling with regard to organising this. I think you just have to accept DB will leave it all to you. Not right, not fair, but I doubt he will change now.

It would achieve nothing, and it's illegal to co-erce someone to be a carer. He does not need to accept it as his role.

He chooses how much he is willing and able to do (which might be nothing).

OP chooses how much she is willing and able to do (which might be nothing).

The gap needs to be filled by carers (either paid for by OP's Mum, or ASC depending on the outcome of the financial assessment.

No-one is obligated to be an unpaid carer.