To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

Ring the GP and ask for an assessment from Occupational therapy. They were fantastic when my mum was ill and living with me . Your brother is not going to help and it's better to accept this . Your poor Mum must be very frightened about her future .

YANBU in thinking that everything shouldn’t have to be on you but YABU in thinking your DB, or indeed either of you, have to do anything. Neither of you has to. Your DM may need carers at home to support her, and contacting Social Services adult care team will set the wheels in motion for this.

This. The DB lives 4 hours away, presumably works etc. not that that matters anyway, if he doesn’t want to help that’s his choice. Op, if you are not happy with how much you do, you do less. Get carers in, or maybe your mum needs to go to a Home. You’ll be better able to support her in a daughter way rather than as a carer, be more relaxed, etc.

You’ll get realistic advice from people who have actual experience of this situation on the Elderly Parents board @Borntorunfast. It’s very clear as someone who’s been in your shoes that you’re not getting it here.

Besides anything I think someone as unwell as this elderly woman is would not do well on a 4 hour car journey.

I agree with PP, post in elderly parents board, lots of very knowledgeable and experienced posters over there.

My understanding is that you literally have to tell them you she has no help and walk away in order to get her help. It’ll be hard but I think that’s the only way to get them to act.

OP you need to accept that you cannot change your brothers actions (or inactions) so you must let that go. Then look at going forwards. He can be guided by his conscience, you use yours.

Either you are willing to continue this level of care - or more (personally I would not be and honestly even if you try you are likely to burn out) or you accept you cannot long term going forwards.

I’d ask for a care assessment from SS on the basis you can no longer provide her care and you will be returning her to her own home in 2 weeks. Keep hassling, keep harassing. Hopefully SS will arrange something in the 2 weeks. If not, I’m afraid after 2 weeks you must return her to her home. Tell SS you have done so and that you are informing them that she is not adequately supported now and is an urgent safeguarding risk. By all means check on her. You want the best for her I know. If something is desperately wrong call SS again. Call her GP, take her to hospital - whatever is needed to get her help. Do NOT take her back to you or stop over at her house.

i’d communicate once to your brother that you will be ending support in 2 weeks. When he asks what will happen say ‘I don’t know’ - can she come to you?’ Then I wouldn’t communicate again regarding your mum. If he wants to know something he can call. If he asks you, keep saying ‘I don’t know’ and give him the contact details of SS.

You know he isn't going to step up, OP. And that's just the way it is. And the sooner you accept this, the better.

You can't force someone to help care for an elderly parent. It is a choice, and if they don't want to do it, then nobody can make them. You are making a different choice. But it is a choice, even if it might not always feel like one.

My dd is seething with anger towards my sister because she doesn't think dsis does enough to support me with our elderly dad. I can understand dd's perspective and I know that she worries about the burden on me, but it doesn't serve me to be angry. It doesn't make the job of caring for my dad any easier. It is just wasted emotion.

I have come to terms with the fact that we all do what we are comfortable with doing. No more, no less. It will be much easier for you if you can somehow let your expectations of your brother go.

OP, you contact Social Services, charities, any organisation you can think of, to arrange for your mother to have support to move back to her own home OR to go into residential care. It is not your job, nor responsibility, to look after her, and therefore it isn't your brother's responsibility either.

At that time I was still on my twice a year visits. I had no idea what goes on in UK (Here it would be an automatic discussion), my mum had told them she was fine and would ask her DCs if needed (without saying where I am)

I'm much more clued up now and assume I'm pretty much on my own arranging things.

To be clear,I am not insisting my brother is a carer. But I do expect his contact to be more than Moonpig birthday & Christmas cards (that his wife sends)

I suspect OP will have to do the same as me.

You say you understand your brother is far away and all you want is for him to stay informed about the situation - but I don't think that's really true because how what real difference would that make to you? You're stressed and resentful.

You're taking on too much and you're enabling the NHS to discharge your mum by saying you'll take time off work to look after her. SS will not do anything to help if there's someone else willing to step up. They probably decided your mum could look after your dad and that's why you had so much trouble getting help there.

You need to be absolutely clear that you are not prepared to help in any way if you want them to step up. It's not your brother you should be angry with, he can't be doing an 8 hour round trip to help out whenever it's needed. You're just using him as a scapegoat because you feel guilty about not being able to do it all.

He doesn't want to be a carer and that is not unreasonable, you have the exactly the same choice. It sounds like you had fairly feckless parents that made poor decisions and you were frequently bailing out and who didn't prepare in any way for old age - and now you're angry at your brother?

I agree with this.

Well there’s two issues.

Not wanting to be a carer - reasonable, nothing anyone can do about it.

Not caring that his mother is injured - unreasonable, but also nothing anyone can do about it.

Hey you poor soul both you and your Mum. Sounds like your brother is not going to help. Seems time to get intouch with social services and look at either a care package in your mums home or a care home. As horrible as it is.

Tell them you're not willing to be her carer. They are so short staffed and resources are so tight, they will fob you of constantly. Just remain adamant your not looking after her. This is going to take ages to sort. ❤️ Been there with my dad. Good luck.

Clearly you are not in a postition to provide your Mum with the care she needs. The more you agree to do, the less likely you Mum is to recieve the proper care she needs. It is unrealistic to think you can share the care with someone that lives so far away. You need to be clear with ASC that you cannot help and need them to step in.

Why is it 50% his role?

you can't just drop someone off at their adult child's home and expect anyone to be happy with that.

Bottom line: he should care about his mum and display a bit of interest in her welfare. But he doesn'T, so he is out of the equation.

OP has limited capacity to support her mum, even if she wants to be there and support her in everything. So it is up to mum (with OPs help) to get help from the right agencies.

@labamba007 Their Mum has two next of kin, the OP and her brother so they can both be involved. It doesn't mean that he needs to be a carer but expecting the OP to do organize everything is unfair.

I'm an only but if I had a sibling, I would expect them to help me out with my Dad.

If you can't manage she will need to be assessed for a care home. If your brother lives four hours away I dont think he can be realsistically expected to give much practical help.

If you haven't already, apply for Attendance Allowance for her.

Social Prescribers at her GP surgery can help with this or your council's Money Advice Unit.

Someone needs to have had care needs/ difficulties for six months before Attendance Allowance can be claimed. This may be the case but if op's mum was fine and self caring before this fall, she will need to wait six months.

It was why 50% really.

Why must children match what their siblings do?

Of course I don’t know OP or her family, but even though parents are the same people they can treat their children very differently.

I have a relative whose mother was shocked she wouldn’t step up - when she was always the scapegoat and treated terribly. Her golden child brother didn’t step up his mum either.

Know one has an obligation to help their parents. I will do with mine because we have a great relationship. But it’s my choice.

Being a next of kin does not obligate someone to be a carer, either physically hands on or from a distance organising etc.

It is entirely up to OP's brother to choose to what level he is willing and able to help, which might be "not at all". Likewise OP gets to make that choice for herself.

No one, not a sibling, a parent, a friend, Social Services or a bunch of strangers on the internet gets to dictate what care someone else has to provide. It is in fact, for good reason, illegal to pressure or co-erce someone into providing care that they are not willing and feel able to offer.

Caring responsibilities are totally, utterly shit for most people. I swear if ever have to do it again I'll leave the country. We too had a horrendous time as a family before DF passed away - 7 years of having to care for him to my mothers exact specifications - writing every movement and sentence down in a notebook and her assuming we would be happy to wash his penis and clean his bottom after a poo, without asking us how we felt - ever, amongst other things. If she wanted to do those things, fair enough, it was her husband, but it was my DAD. Not the same. Now she's in decline and losing her sight/doesn't drive/is becoming more and more dependent upon my sibling and me. I can't spend an hour with her without wanting to scream. We don't get on, I don't like her (adored my DDad), would have had him living with me had it been necessary but the resentment I have been left with now he's gone, largely down to her, just won't dissipate. I think it is probably easier if you enjoyed the company of the parent you are caring for, which was the case with my dad, albeit caring for him was horrific at times, and she made it worse. It's harder for me to come to terms with how I feel because my sibling has a much better relationship with DM, and for no particular reason, they just have more in common. If my DM was a sweet little old lady then it would be a different ballgame. She's more like the local Headmistress with no humour whatsoever. Sorry OP, that turned into my own rant. I don't think you can do much re your brother - all siblings relationships are different and we can only deal with what we can change. I have now put up certain boundaries, courage aided by Sertraline which I had to go on, to cope with the whole family dynamics/dads illnesses, but I'm glad that I have tried this as I've realised it's the only way I won't go mad moving forward. It's almost ruined my sibling and my relationship for good-prior to caring we barely had a cross word. It could simply be that your brother just doesn't care. Amazing how caring almost always falls on the females in the family.

@dontmalbeconme @labamba007 I know what you're saying, I just get grumpy about siblings letting one person organize everything because I'm now in the age group (50's) when many of us are dealing with elderly and infirm parents.

I know too many people IRL who are getting lumbered while their siblings deliberately ignore the situation - and it's not because someone was the "golden child", they're just selfish.

Last year, for example, one of my close friends had to tell her sister that she was close to a breakdown trying to organize everything for their Mum after she had a stroke and was also diagnosed with mild dementia. Her sister lives in the same town as their Mum, has adult children, and knew full well how ill their Mum was. It was only when she realized that my friend really was close to breaking point that she stepped up. Neither of them physically care for their Mum full-time, they have carers coming in, but the mental load is alot. I don't know how people can watch their sibling struggle like that, but it seems to happen. I suppose they don't care about either their parent(s) nor their sibling.