To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

No, as someone who did it for 3 years and it nearly broke her. If I could go back in time I would say no from the outset and maintain my boundaries. It started as a bit of shopping, helping round the house, help to wash hair, and ended up as full time personal care literally forced and guilted upon me. It was an awful, horrific time. It ruined my relationship with DPs, and has deeply sullied my memories of them. I'd advise anyone simply not to do it.

Then raise it as a safeguarding concern. They can't do that.

In our case we refused to go to the hospital when they were admitted or talk to them until a package was put in place. It didn't feel good but we were advised that it was the only way that we could get social services to help. We simply didn't live near enough to provide regular support with things like shopping or laundry.

You sister couldn't "refuse to agree to carers", because that wasn't her decision to make.

You could have (and should have) refused to provide care that was more than what you were willing and able to do. As should I have done.

The answer here is not that both/all the siblings run themselves ragged providing unsustainable levels of care. It's that professional carers needed to be engaged (and if necessary paid for), and that caring should absolutely not be expected of relatives (unless they have a particular desire to do it, and they can only make that choice for themself, not for their siblings).

They can and do. I imagine it’s far worse now than it was when I was in that position.

They only do, when relatives agree to plug the gap. Otherwise they'd be committing Corporate Manslaughter.

If you give an inch, yes, they take advantage.

They have a duty to arrange care, and will do so if no relative steps up. They have no choice, whatever they might tell you.

Yes, this. In hindsight, I wish I'd done this.

It was, because it was 2 against 1. Mother refused to have carers, so without Sister being on board to "persuade" her, carers weren't an option. I arranged a gardener, but Mother literally threw him off her premises. There's no way she'd have had a carer in the house without both Sister and I being there the first few times to get her used to it (force her to accept it) as Mother always played us off against each other and it was a thankless task getting anything done without a "joint" effort.

As it was, when she was blue lighted to hospital, she kept ripping off her IV drip and tried to walk out in just her nightgown several times when we weren't there to literally keep her on the trolley in A&E. Finally, Sister finally stepped up to do her bit as I literally couldn't be there 24/7 for the 48 hours she was stuck on a trolley in an A&E corridor with the staff just waiting for her to die!

@Borntorunfast had a very similar situation, worse in some ways because brother was quite local but just cba even to visit.
No way of forcing someone to do the right thing. You can only address your mum's care needs going forward, whether that be care home/supported living/carers going in. Get the social care assessment ASAP and go from there.
You will always carry the resentment against your useless brother who seems to be relying on distance to do nothing. Doubtless he will expect equal inheritance when the time comes, which is another story...

But if you hadn't stepped up and done the care, the DSis would have had to accrpt carers, or do the care herself.

FWIW, I do understand, as I was in a similar situation, and was bullied and guilted into providing far, far more care than I was willing or able to provide, and it nearly destroyed me. I wish I'd held my boundaries and point blank refused. It was really because sibling wanted to protect their inheritance. (Sibling did share care).

No, Mother would have just ended up injuring herself even more, maybe even freezing to death, before Sister turned up and noticed.

@Blossomtoes That's what I've heard from friends who are currently in this situation, that professional carers still need to be monitored, plus the shopping needs to be done, getting Mum/Dad to medical appointments, etc. It doesn't just happen.

My Dad is still relatively independent and can do most of this himself, but I don't see how it's possible to be completely uninvolved when their care needs increase - unless you really don't care about them or the sibling who's doing everything.

When my parents eventually went into a care home I added up the number of people who regularly input into their care at home. It was 13 including me. Their cleaner did a massive amount and really stepped up. I still had the mental load and it was only me who got the 4am phone calls. No professional carer is ever going to do that.

@Blossomtoes Exactly and in @Borntorunfast's situation, I don't see why her brother can't be one of the emergency contacts.

Having her sister added as an emergency contact was extremely helpful to my friend whose Mum had a stroke. Just the fact that she could have some days off from answering the calls.

It is not realistic to expect social workers to know what the contribution will be before a financial assessment has taken place. Even after for that matter. The Financial Assessment Team will help with that.

The Care Act combined with each individual's specific circumstances is similar to trying to predict the winning lottery numbers. You have X amount of scenarios outlined in the Care Act, multiplied by X number of variables in each person's, finances, property, people living in their homes etc.

You need to be prepared that your mum may need to make a contribution from her income, particularly if it turns out she needs residential care.

This is good advice. Social Services are VERY reluctant to act if they think relatives will do it instead

I have no words for anyone who would abandon their elderly parents in that way. Or at least I do but I imagine they’d get me banned.

If he can't help out with providing physical care, then he can help out financially. Get him to pay a larger contribution to help you out. Even if your mum is entitled to social care, she will still need extra financial, you to visit to help any additional care, form filling etc... petrol to visit mum or to take her places. Ignore the BS that he says he sorry and grateful and take a chunk of money to help you out instead.

Our consciences are clear. This approach meant that our family member was placed in a suitable placement that met their needs and that they felt happy and safe in. If having a sensible conversation with social services and the hospital was an option then we would have taken it. It's a very adversarial system in my experience.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and for your poor mum - what a horrible thing to happen.

A message for your brother:

I need to be very clear about the situation with Mum.
For the past two weeks I’ve been providing full-time care alongside work and the kids, and I can’t continue like this. It’s not sustainable.
Mum has now lost sight in her eye, and she isn’t able to live independently right now. This means ongoing care needs to be put in place.
From x date, I will not be able to keep doing daily care, hospital runs, and everything else on my own.
We need to divide responsibility properly. I need you to step in and take on a share of this—whether that’s coming to stay with her, having her with you for a period, or taking responsibility for arranging and managing external care.
If you’re not able to do hands-on care, then I need you to take the lead on organising support (social services, carers, finances, etc.), because it can’t all sit with me.
Please come back to me by x day/time with what you can take on so we can put a plan in place.
This isn’t optional anymore—I can’t carry on doing this alone.

Can you please stop? Life is not black and white. Things don't get tied up in a bow. There are HUGE gaps in social care, no matter how much you say "just get them involved, they'll do it". THEY WON'T.

And I've already told you that THAT'S what this is about - the mental load. The giving a shit about someone you love. The having someone else to talk to about what do to. The having someone else to help with the research, the phone calls.

The social care system is f**ked. The NHS likewise. Care is patchy, variable, not joined up and in many cases missing entirely. There will never be "someone" who can help navigate it all. That's not how it works - I have actual, lived experience of the social care system, which I presume you do not.

As an example, this week I have arranged physio for my mum as her balance is shot due to losing the sight in one eye. That means she's less independent and more likely to fall over in future. This physio is not available on the NHS as she has no 'physical' need for it - she's not injured her body, therefore she does not need physio. I have also arranged for a second opinion, contacted PALS, researched a different hospital, on the off chance that a more specialist hospital may be able to save at least some sight in her damaged eye. Again, this is not available as a "service" because as far as the NHS is concerned she's getting treatment.

So, which "professionals" do you propose do things like that? Adult care, a social worker, "the council", her GP (who she hasn't seen yet as she's still under hospital care), the doctors and nurses in the hospital whose job it is NOT to do those things? That's right - none of them would do stuff like this.

But this is something my brother could easily help with. The calls, the research. But that would require him to have taken some interest in what's happened to his mum - he hasn't, so neither of those things have occurred to him.

That's what I mean. So please please stop posting about bullying, boundaries, and these mythical professionals that you laughably think will step in, and a social care system that exists only in the fantasy of your own mind, and pray that you don't ever have to navigate all this for yourself or for someone you love.

Exactly this.

This is really good and I'll use that, thank you - it's nice and neutral but sets it all out clearly.

It’s nicely worded and lays it all out clearly, but if someone doesn’t want to do it, telling them it’s not optional won’t change anything. Because ultimately, it is optional, in the sense that if he doesn’t do it, no one will force him. You can’t make someone care (either care emotionally, or care physically).

I’m not saying OP shouldn’t send it, her brother should be aware of the situation and the needs involved. But there’s a lot of comments on this thread along the lines of “just tell him he has to” “it’s not a choice” “tell him to pay you instead” “say he has to take her for a week to give you a break” and none of it works for someone who just isn’t going to do it. There is no option to “just make him”.

What you are doing is not sustainable. Your DB is a selfish twat but if he lives 4 hrs away there’s not much he can do on a practical level. There’s no good reason why he can’t phone her daily etc and I would bluntly tell him this. Show him this thread or list to him in writing what you have done compared to what he has done.

Tell him you’re at breaking point, you can’t do it all any more, and the time has come for you and he to decide together with your DM how she should live in the future. It seems to me that she needs to move into a care home, or a supported living place, or have a live-in carer if she can afford it. Does she own her house? If so, you might find that the thought of his possible inheritance galvanises your DB into action.