To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

No, as someone who did it for 3 years and it nearly broke her. If I could go back in time I would say no from the outset and maintain my boundaries. It started as a bit of shopping, helping round the house, help to wash hair, and ended up as full time personal care literally forced and guilted upon me. It was an awful, horrific time. It ruined my relationship with DPs, and has deeply sullied my memories of them. I'd advise anyone simply not to do it.

Then raise it as a safeguarding concern. They can't do that.

In our case we refused to go to the hospital when they were admitted or talk to them until a package was put in place. It didn't feel good but we were advised that it was the only way that we could get social services to help. We simply didn't live near enough to provide regular support with things like shopping or laundry.

You sister couldn't "refuse to agree to carers", because that wasn't her decision to make.

You could have (and should have) refused to provide care that was more than what you were willing and able to do. As should I have done.

The answer here is not that both/all the siblings run themselves ragged providing unsustainable levels of care. It's that professional carers needed to be engaged (and if necessary paid for), and that caring should absolutely not be expected of relatives (unless they have a particular desire to do it, and they can only make that choice for themself, not for their siblings).

They can and do. I imagine it’s far worse now than it was when I was in that position.

They only do, when relatives agree to plug the gap. Otherwise they'd be committing Corporate Manslaughter.

If you give an inch, yes, they take advantage.

They have a duty to arrange care, and will do so if no relative steps up. They have no choice, whatever they might tell you.

Yes, this. In hindsight, I wish I'd done this.

It was, because it was 2 against 1. Mother refused to have carers, so without Sister being on board to "persuade" her, carers weren't an option. I arranged a gardener, but Mother literally threw him off her premises. There's no way she'd have had a carer in the house without both Sister and I being there the first few times to get her used to it (force her to accept it) as Mother always played us off against each other and it was a thankless task getting anything done without a "joint" effort.

As it was, when she was blue lighted to hospital, she kept ripping off her IV drip and tried to walk out in just her nightgown several times when we weren't there to literally keep her on the trolley in A&E. Finally, Sister finally stepped up to do her bit as I literally couldn't be there 24/7 for the 48 hours she was stuck on a trolley in an A&E corridor with the staff just waiting for her to die!

@Borntorunfast had a very similar situation, worse in some ways because brother was quite local but just cba even to visit.
No way of forcing someone to do the right thing. You can only address your mum's care needs going forward, whether that be care home/supported living/carers going in. Get the social care assessment ASAP and go from there.
You will always carry the resentment against your useless brother who seems to be relying on distance to do nothing. Doubtless he will expect equal inheritance when the time comes, which is another story...

But if you hadn't stepped up and done the care, the DSis would have had to accrpt carers, or do the care herself.

FWIW, I do understand, as I was in a similar situation, and was bullied and guilted into providing far, far more care than I was willing or able to provide, and it nearly destroyed me. I wish I'd held my boundaries and point blank refused. It was really because sibling wanted to protect their inheritance. (Sibling did share care).

No, Mother would have just ended up injuring herself even more, maybe even freezing to death, before Sister turned up and noticed.

@Blossomtoes That's what I've heard from friends who are currently in this situation, that professional carers still need to be monitored, plus the shopping needs to be done, getting Mum/Dad to medical appointments, etc. It doesn't just happen.

My Dad is still relatively independent and can do most of this himself, but I don't see how it's possible to be completely uninvolved when their care needs increase - unless you really don't care about them or the sibling who's doing everything.

When my parents eventually went into a care home I added up the number of people who regularly input into their care at home. It was 13 including me. Their cleaner did a massive amount and really stepped up. I still had the mental load and it was only me who got the 4am phone calls. No professional carer is ever going to do that.

@Blossomtoes Exactly and in @Borntorunfast's situation, I don't see why her brother can't be one of the emergency contacts.

Having her sister added as an emergency contact was extremely helpful to my friend whose Mum had a stroke. Just the fact that she could have some days off from answering the calls.