To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

I agree that you need to get Adult Social Care involved to determine the level of support your Mum needs going forward. If she doesn't receive Attendance Allowance, that's also something you can apply for as it sounds as if she'll be eligible (Age UK are helpful with this process).

Re. Your brother. I'd phone him and clearly explain that you're unable to provide long-term care for your Mum and a care needs assessment in her home must be arranged to determine what can/should be organized for her. Then contact the adult social services department in her area to schedule the assessment. Give them his contact information as well as yours as you're both her next of kin.

Perhaps when a professional explains to him what your Mum needs, he might grasp how serious the situation is.

Thanks everyone. I'm not optimistic about adult social care - they are truly shocking in our area. We had a real battle with my dad. At one point we got 6 weeks of free care, only for dad's social worker to cancel it after 4 weeks, replacing it with a paid service that we only found out about when they started invoicing my dad. I raised merry hell but it took months and they threatened my mum with legal action - at the point dad was actively dying at home from cancer - so as you can imagine I don't have much faith in them. They ignore calls and emails and do all they can to do... well, nothing. I always thought there was a welfare state but in our area it's barely functional.

Hi Op,

I'm sorry if this is happening to you. I would absolutely refuse to speak to your brother. By him making the odd pathetic phone call he’s kidding himself that he cares when he doesn’t. He’s not helping at all so what benefits is he, cut him out your life. Best to plan like he’s not there at all, and think about the best plan for you and your mum,

@Borntorunfast does your DM own her own house?

Because they see care as a woman’s job.

Will you try and get her into a care home?

The most you can do is refuse to have him at your house. If he wants to see his mum, he can take her out.

You need to be uncooperative OP. Take her back to the hospital and refuse to have her home. You have 2 children with additional needs, you cannot provide the level of care she needs. Give them your brother's number and let them harass him. It will be hard for you because you've obviously been conditioned to be an involuntary carer but you need to think of yourself too.

My mum's four siblings choose not to even visit as apparently there always to busy and 2 families lived only 15mins away from my parents..they took in my grandad and grandma who had Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, my grandad passed last year and they couldn't been be bothered to turn up to the hospital on his last day..
My grans Alzheimer's is very bad now and she had to be fed, dressed,washed etc and my parents do it all, none of the grandchildren help other than my own siblings we take daily turns.
Some people are just selfish and quickly forget one day soon it will be them needing help

He won't panic and he won't step up. He has no intention of doing any of the hard work.

Best thing would be to get social services involved and have your mother looked after in a care home where she will get 24-hour appropriate care

@Borntorunfast Even if they're rubbish, I'd still schedule an assessment just to see what can be provided and to make it clear to your brother that you simply can't continue caring for your Mum, outside help is needed.

Don't forget about the Attendance Allowance, your Mum is likely to be eligible, and it'll help cover the services that she needs.

Attendance Allowance: Overview - GOV.UK

Take her home and then phone for a social admission to hospital on the grounds she isn't safe alone and there is no one living with her. They will argue but they have to take her and then social services will have to find her something.

Someone needs to have had difficulties with personal care or have care needs for six months before Attendance Allowance can be claimed so I think it would depend if op's mum had problems before this fall, if not they will need to wait until six months has passed unfortunately. DWP are pretty strict on this rule. It does seem daft at times as someone could have a bad stroke and be totally dependent and still have to wait unless not expected to live for 12 months.
Op you should definitely request a care needs assessment through adult social care and if she has no money then this should mostly be paid for.
It may also help to get a benefit check done by Age Uk or similar, Older people are often missing out on things like pension creidt and council tax support.

Sadly it inevitably falls on one sibling. My mum & dad do the bulk of the caring for my nan even though Dads sister lives 10 mins away and mum & dad are 40 mins away! 😭
Can you get social services involved to pay for cares to visit your mum?

Sounds a nightmare all round. You say care homes in your area are bad but your mum lives an hour away. Have I got that right? So have you looked at those local to you (or vice versa)? Care homes on the council list include privately owned ones so worth looking at? Unfortunately another task to add to your many!

Hi OP, I am a carer for my husband with dementia. Being a carer full time is incredibly taxing and your own life has to go on hold. I would think really carefully before you take this on. I read your comment that SS will not get involved, but if you get a formal assessment and are clear you cannot commit to care then they have to. Depending on finances, you could agree with your brother that he will fund some support costs. A few hours a day from a carer. On the advice of my LA I used the UKCIL site which allows you to advertise and contract with carers directly. Your experience that relatives disappear really quickly when there is care work to do is entirely consistent with my experience and that of others. Be prepared for some significant guilt tripping if your mum goes into care.

Be prepared for some significant guilt tripping if your mum goes into care.

@Cyclebabble Yes, it's funny how people who haven't actually provided any care themselves can be judgmental when a relative goes into a home.

He doesn't have to accept anything. OP doesn't have to accept anything either. He's also not bullying OP into anything.

in my brother's case? he has some issues of his own i guess, we haven't been close in a very long time.

My issue with him (as with other family memebers) is they know where i live. This has never been an issue with my mum who fully accepts that her children must live their lives (she and my dad were military, so we moved around a lot, settling near family has never ever featured in our lives. She is fine with that, as am i)

But. Other family members who have visited her, say, for the first time in 5 years, are shocked at her decline (tbh the last 2 years have been very steep) and calling me to tell me i have to move back (eh?) and take better care of her. And when i point out she has a son nearby-ish, it gets to "yes but you're the daughter". A sexist fuck-up of thinking that my mum (very staunch 2nd wave feminist - we used to go on demos together) is very very much against.

Hence i let my frustration get the better of me when it all got too much a few months ago and screamed at sibling. I am not proud of it, but at least he went to see her. Once.

ETA: i have managed, finally, to get adult social services to take notice and the wheels are slowly turning. One of my mum's siblings is sort of coordinating it, but he and i are adamant when any of the agencies try to force him into the "carer" role that we both push back very hard. Working so far. My mum is blithely unaware of the struggles to get her help, and still adamant that she is fine "with a few little difficulties".

Now your mum is alone @Borntorunfast maybe adult social care will be more willing to help?

Take her to the hostipal by her home and tell them shes not safe alone, nobody lives with her and unfortunately you just need to leave her there alone or they will aruge with you and try and put it all on you. Social services then will be required to step in.

This. Your brother has boundaries, you should emulate this (even if you set yours in a slightly different place).

I don't think it's the boundaries tho? it is the total and utter lack of interest in a serious injury to his mother. Mine does that. "oh she had a fall, she'll be right"
Indeed she was after a week in hospital with a broken leg and me taking emergency leave to look after at home for a week.

Did they not offer a package of care to discharge her from hospital? What would’ve happened if you weren’t there?

If you hadn't agreed to /been able to take a week off work to look after her then a different plan would have been formulated though. At least in theory.

OP you are fighting losing battle because you can't force anyone to care. Your brother lives 4 hours away and has made it clear he won't get involved so don't waste anymore energy on him.

Instead I would focus on what happens to your mum long term and set up your own boundaries. This could mean professional carers, a social service assessment or accepting that your mother might no longer be able to live independently.

The hospital should have done an assessment before just letting her go home rather than just assuming you would be able to do everything...which is why you need to speak up now.

I remember with a grandparent it got to the point where me, DM and sibling had to refuse phone calls from the hospital. They really try to push family to do the care however inappropriate and you have to have really strong boundaries unless you are willing to do it.

I've no experience of taking someone to hospital for social care but when my DM was repeatedly admitted to hospital because of falls I ended up saying she could not go home again. The hospital had a social worker who placed her in a temporary care home while something more permanent was sorted. My siblings and I had all helped out but had jobs and family and we weren't prepared to jeopardise those. She's now in a brilliant care home which requires a small top up. She's healthier, happy and more importantly, safe.
Your DB is selfish and useless. No point in wishing he wasn't, he's obviously not going to change.
Can you get your DM's GP involved? Tell her your DM is a safeguarding risk and social services need to be involved. Good luck OP.