To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

Based on experience of this, everyone has a different threshold for what they can and cannot offer an elderly parent in this situation. You cannot force your brother to change his boundaries, you can only focus on you - what you are able and willing to do and what you are not. If you are not able to do what you feel is needed, then paid care is your option (if social services won’t get involved) and
perhaps paying towards that is a way your brother can contribute if he can’t be more
hands on.
Lots of people are not willing or able to become carers for a whole range of reasons and that doesn’t necessarily make them selfish or awful people.
when my mum was dying - and wanted to die at home - I was there and did lots of personal care for her. My sister, who lived much closer than me, didn’t have the ability to cope with it, but I did. I didn’t feel angry with her, I just accepted that we are different people with different boundaries and different stuff going on our our lives. It definitely didn’t mean that she loved our mum any less than I do.
I have a different relationship with my dad though, and there is no way I would be willing to offer the same care and support to him that I did for our mum.
Obviously I don’t know your brother OP, so I don’t know anything about his reasons.

Brutally, because I've been there with my mil, sell her house and find her a lovely home. Contact Adult social care and her gp and seek support. It sounds like you have enough with the dc. Tell your dB he has to come to help clear the house. I'm sorry you're in this position, your poor mum! Poor you!

Your parents have made poor life choices you say. Living remotely for example. And is now 80! What were her plans for coping as she aged?
Has she money? Can go into a carehome for respite while she takes stock and faces reality? I hope as a parent with busy adult children some distance away this is what I would do.
Your anger and frustration is misplaced.

I disagree that the brother is selfish per se. He lives 4 hours away and presumably works 4 hours away too. He many not have realised how permanent and serious an injury it was. He has been in touch with your mother on a number of occasions. She may well have been downplaying it and told him there was no need to come up. You say he hasn't called you but I assume then you haven't called him either. If your mother was telling him she was fine he would have no reason to believe otherwise.

I live in a different country to my parents and sister and my parents would always downplay any illness so I would always check in with my sister as to the real situation. Fortunately my parents were wealthy enough for them to be able to afford help (cleaner/nurse etc) when required if it was going ro be longer than a very short period where my sister who worked full time could cope.

If you don't want to continue with caring responsibilities then it is time to work out whether it is time for a home care package or a care home. If as you say your mother does not have the money for this then it should be that she qualifies for state assistance to make what she needs happen especially now loss of sight has occurred.

When DH’s father was ill, we were the other end of the country, and there was little we could do to help.

This is incredibly tough

At this point you need some rest and some breathing space. Have you tried prescribing what you need from brother eg “you must come on Friday til Sunday, I need you to sit with mum, I will be having a walk in a park by myself and then catching up on chores.”

Then next week “we need to start to have a plan for where mum goes. You can research abc and I will do xyz.”

We (or rather I) do this with BiL who is just terribly busy with his three day work week and all his hobbies…

It's illegal to pressure or co-erce someone into being a carer, so that's really not a good route for OP to take.

She gets to decide how much caring she is prepared to do, and that is all.

She does not have the right to decide how much caring anyone else does (or should do), and it's abhorrant behaviour to try to bully someone into doing more than they are willing and able to offer.

Professional care is needed.

The brother can say no, can’t he? It’s a suggestion to be specific about what would help op in the immediate term after over two weeks of her doing everything. Essentially op is being forced into doing all the care because the brother is awol. It’s NOT bullying to say this is what I need, can you do it.

Of course the longer term plan needs to be determined… But op said brother said he wishes he does more - so tell him when and how he can be useful.

I would write him a message telling him exactly what you’ve said here and saying he needs to take her for a while.
All three of you need to sit down and decide what the future plan for your mum is.

I really sympathise OP, it is 100% the pattern that the brother does nothing. My mil had an operation that went wrong and my mother (who already has my dad to look after) was staying with her and helping to eg wash her hair. Her other son lives two streets away. I messaged him to ask if he could pop in and Mil was delighted and still talks about how great he was for visiting her that time she was ill. Neither me or mum have ever had the heart to tell her it was because I essentially ordered him to go round there and relieve my mum.

Well, "you MUST..." isn't an sppropriate way to deal with it.

By all means ask, but accept "No" as an answer.

No-one is forcing OP to do anything. She is also well within her rights to say "No".

Professional care, paid for by either OP's DM or ASC (depending on the outcome of a financial assessment) is what is needed here.

He doesn't "NEED" to do anything. No one is obligated to be an unpaid carer, and it's illegal to try to co-erce or pressurize someone into being one.

Of course, you are correct and we all bow down to your astute application of the law.

Back in the real world, seems the majority of us have a reasonable understanding of family dynamics and that MN threads arent intended as verbatim scripts and are prepared to call out shucking firkers.

I must say I know I won't be doing much care for my father if and when the time comes and I think that will cause problems with my sister who is a lot closer to him and will ne expecting me to help her probably more than I will be willing to.
We had different relationships with him, she thinks he's great, I think he's a pretty absent father and never went out of his way to do anything for me, never shows any interest in me or my family. He's the same with her but she just says that's who he is and she loves him. I think he should have done a lot better.

But anyway that will be my problem in the future but I agree with others, he doesn't need to provide care and it's not really logistically possible as his life and home is hundreds of miles away. It doesn't mean you have to step in and do everything, you do what you are comfortable doing, good luck with sorting social care.

I know you mentioned consultant but have you taken her to ‘Eye Casualty’ at your local major eye department? Should be in the closest city to wherever you are. My 81 yr old mother has had to go to Eye Casualty after a fall due to it affecting the transplants in her eyes.

YABU. You need to decide how much you’re willing to help, regardless of whether your brother does or not. Your brother is 4 hours away and has told you he is busy. Do what you’re willing and able to do. It’s not for you to decide what others should do.

Adult Social care is not free @Borntorunfast , but it is financially assessed. Engage with the process and go through the financial assessment process.

It is not social workers fault that the care is chargeable, that is the legislation they have to work with. You have to accept that it works according to the care act and not the way you would like it to.

Your mum's accident sounds awful, what a terrible time for you all.

Try social services again and ask the GP to signpost to organisations that can help your mum.

Right. Your going to move an 80yr old woman 4hrs away from her medical care because her son is being shit. That's hardly a solution.

Just on this - the social worker was wrong. My parents were entitled to free care. They have no money at all. I got the charges dropped in the end, but not before they threatened legal action. Their social worker was unbelievably shit and made things so much worse, not just on one occasion.

Your phrase: "You have to accept that it works according to the care act and not the way you would like it to" is a bit off tbh: I'm not a toddler stamping my feet. I'm someone who has seen first hand how terrible the system is, how it fails people all the time, and how individual social workers can and do get it wrong.

I didn't think working people got this? If things have changed/I'm wrong, fair enough.
For those people saying go to adult services, be careful. I've known someone forced into a care home where she didn't want to be, and the social trying to take all her money and house.
As for your brother, sometimes people seem to say men shouldn't take care of others-I've seen people say it's weird they'd want to look after children, or even their own mum, and some women don't want men looking after them. I am not saying I agree with that, or that it is fair, but it's sometimes true. I would look into hiring a private carer to help with supporting her-if he lives 4 hours away and works FT, even if he wanted to help, there's not much he could do long-term.

Yes your brother should help, no it is not likely he will. You can tell him what you think about that but I can’t imagine it’ll achieve much (though I would!) What you need to do is decide what you do have capacity to do, without resentment, and set up outside carers to take care of her the rest of the time. You are doing more than enough in the short term but that’s not realistic long term. It’s also not your responsibility to manage her life for her. Speak with her about what you can realistically do and ask her to start to make a plan for her next stage of life. As hard as it sounds, you don’t actually have to do more than you want to.

That’s not how it works. The brother lives 4 hours away. It’s not a solution.

Why are you talking about coercion and bullying? I'm not trying to do either. I don't expect my DB to do any of the care - he lives 4 hours away, how can he? - all I want is for him to give a shit about his own mother.

It's NOT about the physical side of things. It's about sharing the mental load, helping come up with solutions, and just having someone else to talk to about what is, frankly, a pretty bleak future for OUR mum - one he professes to love - rather than not to even think about it. He just assumes I'll manage it all, or perhaps he doesn't even assume. Perhaps it doesn't even enter his head, despite me talking to him about it when dad needed care (and he said he was sorry, and would step up 'next time').

He had no issues with either parents (as the golden boy) btw, no reasons for pissing off into the sunset whenever the going gets tough.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for contributions and thoughts.

Your brother will be unlikely to step up. I don't understand how you can be that way. Two of my siblings excused themselves from supporting our parent. They left it to my other sister and me.

The only silver lining is, they cannot rewrite history and said they didn't know or wish things had been made clear. I rang them both and told them. Clearly and without anger. They were being unfair and dismissing themselves from the critical care situation was despicable. I told them afterwards I would never forgive them and I haven't. Not just because of our parent, but they abandoned me and our sister.

They are limited people. We are still in contact, on my terms. I wouldn't ask them for anything and wouldn't give it either.

So sorry this is happening to you. X

I can relate to this and I’ve cut off relatives for this. Watching relatives go on holiday while their parent was actively pass away, and refusing to help at all in the years leading up, but somehow making time to come to the funeral, was maddening for me. People are happy to cry about someone when they’re gone but won’t actually do the work to help them while they’re here.

So sorry OP. Get him to contribute financially if he won't in other ways?