To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

What he can do is sort out an alternative plan then. Why should it all be on OP because she is the daughter and lives closest?

It's lots of people on here who are saying he 'must', 'needs to' do "his share" and that you should dump your DM at his who I'm mostly replying to. They are literally advocating that you bully and co-erce him into taking on an unpaid caring role that he's made it clear he's unwilling to do. They are very wrong to advise you to do that.

He won't step up. My DB, who is the golden child, called me after elderly DF had a serious accident & in ICU to ask if DF would die, because he wasn't driving the 3 hours otherwise. He did turn up as I had a go - for 12 hours & visited DF for 30 minutes. He had to go home to go surfing with his DC, apparently. DM has changed her tune on DB & told DF off, who was still calling me horrible names. I walked out & refused until he applied & DM gave him a rare serve on which child was helping him, because it wasn't his precious son!!

DH is the same. FIL had an (unnecessary) op right before Easter. We had to come back from our holiday because he was unwell. SIL turned up for 24 hours, talked about their long haul holiday they'd just booked & went home to her fancy job & house. DH is doing everything.

Both will still put hands out for their inheritance and DB actually has gotten penis heirlooms, some worth a lot of money, so will get more.

DH & I have accepted siblings won't step up. We did 5 years with MIL, so far 3 with FIL, and my parents to go. DM is likely to live to 100 like her DM.

He doesn't need to do that either, if he doesn't want to. Neither does OP. Hand it over to ASC, they have a legal duty here.

Not up to him to pay for her care. DM can pay, or if she has savings below the threshold, ASC will pay.

No I would no, but I'd be telling him I was just to show him how pissed off I am

Could she go to him once every couple of months for week long break?. This happens in my family. Mum lives near sister who does most stuff. Me and sibling live away, not as long as 4 hours. We take turns having mum with us to give my sister a break. Mim doesn't want to go into a home.

@WhatCanIWatchOnNetflix So what will happen to their Mum?

This is the part that I can't understand - when an elderly person needs support, it doesn't just get arranged, someone has to do the arranging, make the inquiries, advocate for their parent, etc. Of course, many people can't take on personal care, that's fair enough, but if one sibling refuses to get involved at all, who's going to make the necessary arrangements?

When people talk about boundaries, what they're really saying is that I'm OK dumping the full mental load on someone else (in this case, his sister), because they don't give a shit about them. That's the truth of the matter!

If there's literally no one to dump the load onto, it falls onto an overstretched person in Social Services, who is unlikely to have the time to do much except arrange the minimum care that the elderly person is entitled to.

Personally, I think something's gone wrong in society if middle-aged adults can't be arsed to do anything for their ailing parents.

But you would not be able to force this

Besides anything the brother lives 4 hours away. In my experience with elderly relatives one of the first things to go when their health declined was their ability to tolerate long car journeys.

Social Services have a legal duty to arrange the care. OP and her brother do not need to be involved (but obviously they can be if they want to). OP may make the decision that she wishes to be involved, but she can't make that decision on behalf of her brother.

It's not necessarily that people "can't be arsed", more that not everyone has the capacity for what is a gruelling, thankless, increasing task.

To be clear here, I'm someone that was nearly broken by caring responsibilities and who wishes I maintained stronger boundaries earlier. It's not that I didn't love my DM & DD, but the expectations put upon adult children are often utterly unreasonable, especially when also trying to manage thrir own jobs, families and homes.

Social Services have a legal duty to arrange the care.

That simply isn’t true. They have a legal duty to assess the need for care if it’s not self funded. When I contacted them the very first question was how much money the person needing care had. When it was clear they’d be self funding I was basically told I was on my own.

They have a legal duty to arrange it if you request them to. They can charge for this.

OP and her brother do not have any obligation to provide care, nor arrange care.

But in practice they don’t and won’t.

I share your anger. It’s just having someone who actively checks in, asks what they can do to help etc.

My db was also the golden boy and he moved overseas - partly because he didn’t want to bother with family at home.

He didn’t come when mum or dad were dying. “Oh it’s not that I don’t want to but you know I can’t be around hospitals and death, I just can’t do that.”

Whereas I of course loved doing the bedside vigil all by myself.

Happy he was, though, to take the inheritance.

Of course he asked me to do all the probate work, sort out the house and the funeral. He didn’t even come to our mum’s funeral (his flight is only 2.5 hours).

Believe it or not: I have forgiven him . I can’t hold on to the anger. He’s useless but I won’t allow it to destroy our relationship. For whatever reason, God made me capable of caring and my brother incapable. I am at peace with it.

Get her an assessment for socila services. She needs to go in a home ASAP. You can't carry this burden. Your health will be destroyed.

Definitely this. Its too much for you (and your brother).

@NotAnotherScarf

I've seen it many times. One child gets lumbered and the others tell everyone how much they do.

Yup. Had that when I virtually singlehandedly looked after my mother, going to see her 2/3 times per day to give her treatments/medications, did her shopping, did her banking and bill paying, etc. Sister went around once a week for her lunch, stayed a couple of hours, did bugger all, yet was going around telling everyone she was so busy and stressed "looking after her Mum".

Same with DH's mother. His brother lived only 25 miles away, a 30 minute drive, but only went once a month and all he ever did was bath her dog! Meanwhile, DH was going round daily in his lunch hour and I was going daily to make her tea, do the washing up, cleaning, etc. What really annoyed us was how she'd always be so full of how brother was so brilliant for going round to bath the dog once a month - not a word of thanks for us!

The OP really needs to lay it on thick to her brother and not let him get away with it. He NEEDS to take some time out, spend a few days with HIS mother to give the OP a break. Whether he wants to or not. If he won't, it's ultimatum time and maybe time to put the mother in a home for a few weeks - I bet brother won't like the sound of some of his inheritance being spent!!

Yes, but if she's self funding social services won't be interested and the OP will have to contact care homes directly to get them to send someone to do the assessments.

Sounds like you had no boundaries and were doing far too much. You sister on the other hand maintained healthy boundaries. Professional carers really should have been involved if you were taking on more than you were happy and willing to do.

OP's brother doesn't NEED to do anything. No-one is obligated to be an unpaid carer.

For everyone, including the one needing care, it's better to get a package of professional care in place, rather than relatives running themselves ragged trying to take on an unsustainable job.

Nope, ASC have a duty of care and must arrange the care if asked. They can charge for this service if self funding.

OP needs to do nothing. Her DB needs to do nothing. No one is obligated to be a carer.

Unfortunately sister refused to agree to bring in carers. She was in complete denial that mother needed care/help. It wasn't until mother got double pneumonia that I forced her to step up and take time off work that she finally realised how bad her dementia had become. She just didn't see it in a couple of hours, midday, once a week, as she just thought it was old-age forgetfulness. But when she turned up at 8am one morning to find Mother had put orange juice in her corn flakes instead of milk, and was sat freezing and shivering in the lounge because she'd forgotten about the gas fire and central heating, it finally twigged that she was incapable of looking after herself. I'd been telling her for months, but she just didn't believe me. It's hard when there's another sibling who is in denial.

Yes, but they put up barriers to "encourage" you to have it done by others. In my Mother's case, they said there was a three month waiting list for self funders, and our need was urgent, so we couldn't wait.

For everyone, including the one needing care, it's better to get a package of professional care in place, rather than relatives running themselves ragged trying to take on an unsustainable job.

Says someone who’s never done it. The care package has to be managed. Sometimes the carers just don’t show up. Professional carers don’t do shopping, laundry, financial management, medical appointments and a whole plethora of other things. The only way @Badbadbunny’s sister could have “boundaries” was because she was shouldering the entire load.

I think you should seriously consider respite care so that you could get your life back for a few weeks. The nursing homes I looked at a little while ago generally don't allow stays of less than 2 weeks. I don't think your brother will help so I would get calling round all homes in the sort of radius you'd be happy with. And expect to pay a fortune but you will appreciate it.