To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

[Borntorunfast]

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

I suppose my DH was "the brother" in a similar situation a few years ago. We live at the other end of the country and any hands on care was impossible. Also, I had recently undergone surgery, which was an added complication. DH realised his sister couldn't do it all either, so kept suggesting a care home. This was, IMO, the only sensible option. He was quite happy to make calls and enquiries but it was difficult to get the full picture from his sister and this made things harder.

In the end, the relative did go into a care home, which was a relief for everyone, but please don't think that just because a relative is miles away, they don't care. Sometimes geography makes things impossible.

Your DH sounds lovely and in the circs you describe, I can't imagine anyone thought he'd need to do more - the difference being that he took an interest and helped out as far as he could. That's not the case with my DB. I totally understand that the distance means much is impossible for him; it's not that, it's the fact that he hasn't called or messaged me once in nearly 3 weeks to ask - how can I help? What can I do? Is mum telling me everything?

The difficulty is that this was sudden. Mum was independent and fine, until her accident. Everything changed within a split-second. So while I've been looking at next steps (AND simultaneously dealing with her immediate care) he's been gliding through his life without much of a care in the world. It would have been good if he said - I can't help with the hands-on, but I can get a plan for the next step. He didn't. He has left it all to me. It really doesn't sound like that was the case with your DH.

I hope you've recovered well from your surgery.

As I have said, I HAVE dealt with this. I was bullied, guilted and co-erced into doing far, far more than I was willing or able to do and it destroyed my relationship with my sibling and my parent, not to mention taking a collosal toll on my physical and mental health. It would have been far better all round for my parent to have had professional care. Sibling insisted this wasn't to be (protecting inheritance) then piled it on about me doing "my" half-share. Except I also had to hold down a full time job, parent two children and run my own household around "my half" (which I didn't want to do, and knew I didn't have the health or capacity for), whilst they didn't work, had no family and lived for free off the bank of Mum and Dad.

It was a horrific period of time. I wish I had set and maintained stronger boundaries. You offer what you are willing and able to do, but don't start trying to make your sibling take responsibily for your decision not to leave this to ASC. He is not obligated to provide ANY care of any sort, unless he wishes to do do.

Nope, neither child is obligated to pay for their parent's care. Either OP's mum pays, or ASC pays based on a financial assessment.

Please apply for Attendance Allowance which is not means tested and means your mum could pay for cleaner or carers.

Yes, you've made that same point over and over and over again. I get it. We all get it. You don't need to keep on about it.

I am not you and this is not your situation. I've explained the real issue - which is not what you keep going on about - but you've chosen to ignore it in favour of just repeating your earlier point. It's getting a bit silly now.

Your real issue seems to be that you think it's up to you to decide that your brother is obligated to provide some kind of support that he simply isn't wanting to do.

And whilst you're being hostile to you, I'm also someone 4 years down the line from you, and telling you what I wish someone had told me. Do not set yourself (or you brother) up to be the main carers. Let ASC take that burden, and allow yourself to continue being a loving daughter, not a stressed out, resentful carer. No amount of inheritance is worth the damage that will do to the relationship with your mum and sibling, and the way it will take over and destroy your life and your physical and mental health. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to offer and don't feel guilty about sticking to your boundaries. You and your brother deserve to lead your own, fulfilling lives and not to just exist to care for your Mum. It sounds as though your Mum needs far more care than it is practicable for a family to provide.

I w8sh you good luck, but please, please heed my warning.

I agree with this. In my case by handing over the responsibility for providing to care to outside providers meant that my family member still had meaningful relationships with us. This was a person who had outlived the majority of their friends and family and only had us.

Yes we could have tried a rota of using up our annual leave, travelling cross country to manage their shopping, cleaning and laundry. There wouldn't then have been those opportunities for a laugh and a reminisce over a cup of tea or sending them a postcard from going on holiday. Sometimes something can look very selfless in theory but it doesn't give a good result for the person.

OP you need to think about what your mum needs here and the best way to get it.