AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

I can tell you’re absolutely thrilled at the prospect.
Like somebody just asked you to step barefoot in dog poo.
Lots of people just can’t figure out why you wouldn’t leap into their arms - even if means you’ll be broke.
They don’t care. It isn’t their money.
Therefore…

You're quite right. It's like people who get a better job offer, then use it to negotiate staying where they are but with a pay rise. It feels like a win, but their employer knows from that point onwards they will always have one foot out of the door and will show no loyalty towards the company.

It's fine to take the better offer and leave, of course. But once trust has been broken, no amount of renegotiation of the original contract is ever going to be the same.

Enjoy your freedom OP! Read all your posts and glad you feel clear on this and ready to crack on with your life.

He didn't consult with you about buying this house or what a shared future might look like. He sees you as a pawn in his game. I think when a woman has her own assets it makes that behaviour easier to spot and turn away from. Even if he did try and hide it for as long as possible.

There are definitely two spreadsheets as someone else has suggested.

Even if he "just"" can't see things from your point of view... on a matter as big as this, that wouldn't bode well for your future happiness. Saying that for the people who are giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Wishing you good luck OP.

Under no circumstances do this!! He will persuade you to since your savings on that house and lumber you with caring for his parents.

His options were you moving and if you don’t he’ll have to get a lodger… seriously he just wants your money.

Do not give up your own home for this bloke, he’s clearly using you.

I like that euphemism.

It's a good description of walking away from something that is very overwhelming.

I would caregorically not agree and neither would a lot of people on this forum. What we have always done has been suggested many times before. We worked out what the bills were going to cost and then we contributed to an account for the bills in proportion to our take home pay.

How would it ever be fair for somebody earning £1000 a month with a partner earning £2000 a month to split the bills 50:50?

You can argue about who owns most of the house if you split up, but while you're a partnership a 50:50 split with unequal earnings isn't fair at all.

In my relationship it was called, and still is 50 years later, a loving and supportive partnership which recognised that each of us deserved to have the same proportion of our salaries left to spend on ourself every month.

Yep. That is not what cocklodging is. PP needs to waste spend more time on Mumsnet clearly 😄though may have just been making a tiresome point about
"double standards."

This is definitely not what cocklodging is! What a stupid thing to say. Its completely normal to pay proportional amount of your earnings towards the household expenses, some people chose to do that to keep their money separate. I personally pooled all the money into one account with my ExH - even when he earned 4 times more than what I did. The main thing is to make sure your partner is not disadvantaged and that money is distributed equally.

Cocklodging is when someone moving into a house they don't pay for and living off the house owner while contributing nothing but their cock. In OP's case, some sort of a weird variation was offered - she pays all her money to live in a house she has no rights to, gives up her own place and becomes free carer - all for the pleasure of living with a cock )))

Good job, OP, that you seen through it all. What a dick this guy is.

Thank God the OP didn't fall for it, I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the almighty con artist her boyfriend is! There are some hateful people around.

Sorry, but you do not understand the term cocklodging at all.

Just to be clear for anyone else who might happen across this thread and need to know -

in terms of ownership it it the title registry (deeds) one needs to be added to in order to have legal ownership in the home.

The mortgage is just paying it. The deeds say who legally owns it.

Just highlighting for anyone who might be told by some financially cheeky partner "oh yeah yeah you're on the mortgage now" - it doesnt mean much without being on the deeds*

(*paying mortgage would help prove your case in a courtroom but save yourself the hassle of having to go there in the first place)

How are you going to dump him? Just send a link to this thread and let him figure it out?

Even if he did back down, it wouldn't change the fact that if he could have screwed you over, he would have.

It reminds me a bit of the bill splitter thread in MN Classics. The colleague who ordered a shit ton of food on a night out. He was floored when he found out the bill wouldn't be split. He had to pay for everything he'd ordered. He said he wouldn't have ordered it all if he'd known they weren't splitting the bill.

Greedy, piss taking twat, happy to exploit others for personal gain.

Your (ex) greedy, piss taking twat seems to have maxed out on the luxuries 'knowing' he could split the bill. Well he's going to need a new spreadsheet. One where the final sum has not been divided by two.

I look after the home and do voluntary work, and DH pays 100% of everything.... has done for 17 years.

People do what works for them.

As you aren’t heartbroken this really is the gift that just keeps giving. I too would be tempted to string him along a bit, say you can’t afford it and see if he offers any “reduction” when he sees the potential cash slipping out his grasp’

He must have been shocked when you told him.
From your figures it’s sounds more like you would be paying for all the bills of going halves with him on the parent’s bill as well as yours and his, it’s crazy.
Why does he get to be the boss snd expect you to contribute on things he’s decided on such as dog walking?
It is good you will continue to be the boss of your own life.

Take no notice of that one. He’s the resident forum mansplaining misogynist who loves lecturing and scolding women for daring to have any standards.

You couldn't be more out with these figures if you tried. You'd struggle to get a 2 bed semi for £150 a month council tax, never mind a "mansion with annexe".

Home insurance and Sky would be closer to the figures for a year.

But, but....he'll have to get a....lodger.

Seriously tho, @HolyCheeses your determination not to be drawn into STBX's scheme is great.

I know it’s local authority dependant but I pay £180 a month council tax for a 2 bed flat with the single person discount!

But I only pay £44 a month for Sky with the sports channels - I’m not even sure Sky to a package that costs that much

The problem with the lodger will be it's limited to £7k a year after that you pay tax. That will fu*k him up! 🤣

That made me snigger.

My mistake the CC was £300 per month I’d halved it incorrectly - the rest I had recalled correctly including Sky bundle
sewerage waste was about £30 PM, boiller type cover was also about £30 garden maintenance was £50

Anyway- the detail is going over my head as I don’t need to work anything out anymore

What a good point !