Page 33 | AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

20centurySteph · 21/04/2026 22:10

Bottom line if it left him worse off, he wouldn’t do it. And I think you should apply the same rule. Why on earth would you rent an apartment if you already own your own home? And if living with him is going to cost you more than it does to live in your own home then why would you do that?! I see the upside for him, but I don’t see any for you. Including all of the issues associated with relocating.

It just doesn’t sound like it’s worth it.

RtHonLadyMuck · 21/04/2026 22:29

@HolyCheeses He’s asking you to undergo huge upheaval (move to new area, house sale, new job etc). Notwithstanding the large financial commitment he’s expecting. Even if you thought he was ‘the one’, all this would be a lot. But it sounds like he’s not so I’d have serious reservations about disrupting your life for this man if I were you. Good luck 💐

Mylittlepea · 21/04/2026 22:33

£1400 for food….and £180 for SKY TV…WTAF 😂😂😂
Keep running for those hills OP, you’re dodging a bullet xx

RtHonLadyMuck · 21/04/2026 22:36

HolyCheeses · 21/04/2026 11:01

From memory-

cleaner £200 per month
council tax £150 per month
sky £180
home insurance was £100
dog walking £260

£260 Dog walking???!!! 🙄🤣

RtHonLadyMuck · 21/04/2026 22:46

And how does Sky come to £180 a month?! ALL his figures look over inflated and dodgy AF. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t planning to take a bit of extra profit from OP’s contribution

AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

ChurpyBurd · 21/04/2026 22:55

I dunno, if you have the full bells & whistles plus top banana full fibre broadband, a landline or whatever, plus extra boxes for the granny flat I recon you could get to £180 no bother.

But it's irrelevant - the guy doesn't need to make up costs to still be a cheeky fucker who' thought he'd profiteer off OP.

Dalston · 21/04/2026 23:07

HolyCheeses · 19/04/2026 23:45

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Please don’t do any of this. The more he tries to pressure you, the more wary you should be. You sound quite happy where you are, keep your independence. It will be interesting to see how he behaves when he doesn’t get his own way.

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:13

@HolyCheeses

If you're paying towards the property, then what's most reasonable is that whatever you end up paying towards the property, on a proportional basis, is legally yours.

If you won't own any of the property, then most reasonable is that you pay nothing on the mortgage.

I think I should lay living costs and utilities but proportional to our salaries
him 70%
me 30%

You're delusional. If you live with an equal person, the expectation is that you pay equally towards the bills.

I would never live with someone who did not live with me equally. I think virtually everyone on mumsnet would agree.

Original poster

HolyCheeses · 21/04/2026 23:22

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:13

@HolyCheeses

If you're paying towards the property, then what's most reasonable is that whatever you end up paying towards the property, on a proportional basis, is legally yours.

If you won't own any of the property, then most reasonable is that you pay nothing on the mortgage.

I think I should lay living costs and utilities but proportional to our salaries
him 70%
me 30%

You're delusional. If you live with an equal person, the expectation is that you pay equally towards the bills.

I would never live with someone who did not live with me equally. I think virtually everyone on mumsnet would agree.

Edited

I don’t believe I’m delusional at all.

OP posts:

INeedAnotherName · 21/04/2026 23:30

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:13

@HolyCheeses

If you're paying towards the property, then what's most reasonable is that whatever you end up paying towards the property, on a proportional basis, is legally yours.

If you won't own any of the property, then most reasonable is that you pay nothing on the mortgage.

I think I should lay living costs and utilities but proportional to our salaries
him 70%
me 30%

You're delusional. If you live with an equal person, the expectation is that you pay equally towards the bills.

I would never live with someone who did not live with me equally. I think virtually everyone on mumsnet would agree.

Edited

Wrong. You pay what is proportional to your salary. Someone earning 150K should pay more than someone earning 30K. Otherwise one will have zero spare money while the other is swigging champagne and caviar. That is not a supportive and equal partnership.

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:37

@INeedAnotherName Wrong. You pay what is proportional to your salary. Someone earning 150K should pay more than someone earning 30K. Otherwise one will have zero spare money while the other is swigging champagne and caviar. That is not a supportive and equal partnership.

That's called cock lodging, and mumsnetters tend to take a dim view of that.

Original poster

HolyCheeses · 21/04/2026 23:42

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:37

@INeedAnotherName Wrong. You pay what is proportional to your salary. Someone earning 150K should pay more than someone earning 30K. Otherwise one will have zero spare money while the other is swigging champagne and caviar. That is not a supportive and equal partnership.

That's called cock lodging, and mumsnetters tend to take a dim view of that.

In my case we’d have to reframe it to Fanny-Lodging

And I’m declining.

OP posts:

KellsBells7 · 21/04/2026 23:42

It is not cocklodging!

JassyRadlett · 21/04/2026 23:43

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:13

@HolyCheeses

If you're paying towards the property, then what's most reasonable is that whatever you end up paying towards the property, on a proportional basis, is legally yours.

If you won't own any of the property, then most reasonable is that you pay nothing on the mortgage.

I think I should lay living costs and utilities but proportional to our salaries
him 70%
me 30%

You're delusional. If you live with an equal person, the expectation is that you pay equally towards the bills.

I would never live with someone who did not live with me equally. I think virtually everyone on mumsnet would agree.

Edited

The second part is really nonsense.

Paying equal amounts that leaves one partner with a huge disposable income and one in debt is no partnership at all.

Paying proportionally to income is entirely normal, is regularly suggested on Mumsnet (usually in response to some financially controlling dickhead who's forcing his wife to pay half of everything when she's on mat leave/had cut her hours to save money on childcare) and is nowhere near the definition of "cocklodging".

(For the record, I'm the higher earner in our marriage but haven't always been. We've always contributed proportionally to income as the fairest way to do it. We also value each other's non-financial contributions because, you know, partners.)

StripedTee · 21/04/2026 23:45

HolyCheeses · 21/04/2026 19:08

No
I found it very enlightening - there were things I hadn’t considered like the being lined up for future care that floored me.

What a cunt.

it also forced me to dig deep into my old memories and actually before I got pregnant ex behaved very similarly - lessons learned

im so proud of myself. I was late to the party but I learned to fight back and I am a survivor of such an awful marriage but im going to need to build on that to be a thriver.

I feel like ive taken off a massive fur coat covered in custard in a hot steamy room.- relieved

if already been planning to counter claim with my own invoices for the DAYS no WEEKS of design a planning that went into creating the house. It really is magnificent but I had a beautiful home in my previous life and it sucked. Lifeless and loveless to me no matter how shiny.

Show quote history

I feel like ive taken off a massive fur coat covered in custard in a hot steamy room.- relieved

This seems such a bizarre thing to think of?! Am I missing context here?

Original poster

HolyCheeses · 21/04/2026 23:50

StripedTee · 21/04/2026 23:45

I feel like ive taken off a massive fur coat covered in custard in a hot steamy room.- relieved

This seems such a bizarre thing to think of?! Am I missing context here?

Show quote history

🤣
feeling so much lighter and less burdened

OP posts:

Isamummy2021 · 21/04/2026 23:51

HolyCheeses · 19/04/2026 23:45

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

No no and no. Why was this not discussed at a much earlier date, is he losing money maybe the project taken too long? I would say you stay where you are and spend a couple of nights at each others. Tell him that when you purchase together and it's also in your name then you'll get willing to move and pay towards a house together. However I don't think it should be 5050 when you'll be left struggling if he wants real 5050 both wages into 1 account pay mortgage and bills rest split between you. Personally I don't like the sound of any of this you should be better off together not worse he needs to be told this too, sounds like he's using you.

JenniferBooth · 21/04/2026 23:54

@shuggles would be quite happy for his partner to have a sausage roll lifestyle while he has a champagne lifestyle.

JenniferBooth · 21/04/2026 23:55

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:37

@INeedAnotherName Wrong. You pay what is proportional to your salary. Someone earning 150K should pay more than someone earning 30K. Otherwise one will have zero spare money while the other is swigging champagne and caviar. That is not a supportive and equal partnership.

That's called cock lodging, and mumsnetters tend to take a dim view of that.

So if your partner won the lottery you would still be happy with fifty fifty

INeedAnotherName · Yesterday 00:00

shuggles · 21/04/2026 23:37

@INeedAnotherName Wrong. You pay what is proportional to your salary. Someone earning 150K should pay more than someone earning 30K. Otherwise one will have zero spare money while the other is swigging champagne and caviar. That is not a supportive and equal partnership.

That's called cock lodging, and mumsnetters tend to take a dim view of that.

Wrong again. You seriously have no clue.

CotswoldsCamilla · Yesterday 00:13

Missing point of thread but £180 for sky?! I pay £28.50, admittedly with no sport but still, that seems punchy.

OP what will you do if he backs down and agrees to a proportional split of everything? Will that change things or have you already made your decision?
(do you get in with your potential new flatmates, his parents?)

LizandDerekGoals · Yesterday 00:13

You would be worse off living wirh him snd then if you broke up you would be screwed.

Original poster

HolyCheeses · Yesterday 00:18

CotswoldsCamilla · Yesterday 00:13

Missing point of thread but £180 for sky?! I pay £28.50, admittedly with no sport but still, that seems punchy.

OP what will you do if he backs down and agrees to a proportional split of everything? Will that change things or have you already made your decision?
(do you get in with your potential new flatmates, his parents?)

Edited

Not interested in pursuing the relationship

I feel at peace with the decision

OP posts:

CautiousLurker2 · Yesterday 00:58

CotswoldsCamilla · Yesterday 00:13

Missing point of thread but £180 for sky?! I pay £28.50, admittedly with no sport but still, that seems punchy.

OP what will you do if he backs down and agrees to a proportional split of everything? Will that change things or have you already made your decision?
(do you get in with your potential new flatmates, his parents?)

Edited

I thought that - we have the full package (sports etc) plus sky HD and the second box with ability for multiple log ins so the kids can use their xboxes/devices to stream… and I still don’t pay that much!!

PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 01:06

Been musing for a while and I wonder whether there are two spreadsheets.

One for you @HolyCheeses, for you to see how reasonable your half would be and then another with the actual costs on. Because his costs literally do not add up. The food and Sky bills alone are totally OTT, so it does rather make one wonder what he is inflating on the others. I wouldnt put it past a chancer like this to have you paying the vast majority of everything so he lives for free and still keeps the whole property in his name.