AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

You sound like a lovely person OP, and I’m really glad you came to MN and got the advice you needed. This is exactly the type of thread I love to read.

Glad you’re not heartbroken, you’ve obviously spent a lot of time on this house reno with him, and on the relationship in general. But he’s taking the absolute piss, and who wants to be with someone who will take the piss out of you, especially to this level.

Wishing you all the best with your own home redecoration, and peace going forward.

But please… please share the spreadsheet, or even just update on the other costs he expected to burden you with, we’ll all have a good laugh! X

Also @HolyCheeses has x3 children, adults maybe, but still your children.

Who wants to be subsiding some man’s life when you could use some money to treat them to dinner, or a weekend away. Just some fun time together or nice gifts when you want to.

And the added issue of relocating and getting a new job. Obviously depends on location and what you can do, but with an unstable economic position at the moment moving jobs could be a risk, last in first out, no matter who you are. Sounds like this hasn’t even been considered in his mind, would he happily fund you if you lost a new job up there, if so how long for, would he expect you to get any job as soon as or would he be a supportive partner and give you some breathing space? (We can guess the answer)

And moving in with someone when the building is so very clearly one person’s not both never works. It’s horrible.

Life is to be lived, enjoyed not a transactional excel sheet. With loaded expense and obligation.

@HolyCheeses Look at it this way.
He probably can't afford it, even if he is fleecing his parents.
You may have polished it and covered it in glitter, but it's his 💩 that he now has to pay for.

Enjoy renovating YOUR house for YOU.

The first month of "food" contributions that you save should pay for a decent fridge/freezer and a washing machine for your kitchen if nothing else!💐

Time to ditch the boyfriend.

I love this

I believe fairly low crime... there is a river running through town but no history of flooding. Will need to review the insurance once closer for renewal

As an observer in the situation, can you ask him to itemise the £1400 of food for me? I am fascinated!

Seriously though, well done for getting out of it! What a CF!

WHY SHOULD YOU PAY HIS MORTGAGE?????? BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!

That sky bill too!!!

Wow OP, I love this thread, and I don't know you but I'm so proud of you!! Fighting off your awful ex and now having the nouse to come on here and sense check with the wise ladies about your gut feeling that something was wrong!
Enjoy your wonderful life in your peaceful home knowing that no-one holds any power or control over you.
He is an unbelievable cheeky fucker. Does that mean you were going to be paying his parent's food bills do you think?!

I bet he would have had you cooking for them because "it makes sense to all eat together"... and you may as well do their washing along with yours too. You'd be running around after everyone if he had his way I bet.

Thank goodness you've got your head screwed on!!
Enjoy blissful singledom!

i thought that!

For that I would want Idris Elba in my lounge as my personal remote control!

Actually just Idris Elba in my lounge would be enough.

Ooh now there's a nice thought..........

Sorry drifted off for a second. I would imagine he has the full sports/movies etc package plus broadband and maybe phone for that but its still fucking high.

Is your relationship contingent on you moving in with him? Personally I would buy your own place and keep things separate. How old are you?
A bit of a flag for me is that if you move in I’d be concerned you’d be expected in the future to be carers for his parents, which is certainly something I wouldn’t want.
edit- just seen all your updates. Glad I wasn’t the only one thinking you’d be the unpaid carer!! You’re worth much more OP, hope you live a lovely life in your new house without him

Very good point about the food bill, I bet that includes his parents too. That figure is far more like what I would expect for 4 adults.

I rather think that his parents think that they are moving in with him and being looked after rather than living separately, and that it wont cost them anything as they have already paid "upfront" as it were. Would also explain why the bills are so high if they are covering both homes. But he has downplayed it to the OP so she moves in and subsidises it all and probably helps caring for them (and yes you can work full time and be a carer....ask me how I know).

He has massively over extended himself here and now he has realised it. But hey, bright side, he has some lovely newly decorated rooms he can rent out to lodgers!

No it isn’t.

i don’t want to be with someone who would even consider any of this fair- it’s been pretty exposing laying it all out for people to dissect (which I am very happy about)

im 51- old enough to know better !

@HolyCheeses never mind the sky/dog walking/food - who the hell pays such a tiny council tax for a mansion??!! We pay £500 for a terraced townhouse!

Well he wouldn’t be if they were married, would he?

if he wants to get married - go for it. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer

Depends where you live. I pay about £130 a month before deductions (single person etc) on my three bed terrace.

ETA and it may be that it was banded before all the recent changes and would go up several bands if it was revalued now, so he would be well advised to keep his gob shut about that!

Wow...1400 for food

1400 PCM for food? FML Are you drinking the finest champagne with every meal? 🤦🏻‍♀️
😆 🤣 😂 THAT TOTAL IS FUCKING MENTAL!
If you didn't laugh at it's absurdity, you would cry at the realisation - that he is a monumental caddish gold digger, who will bring you nothing but misery. 😠

Throw this one back into the sea and LTB. 👋
@HolyCheeses

I am waiting, sorry for the popcorn type of comment for the OP to tell him outright the whole thing is ended and his response

The absolute AUDACITY.

https://www.instagram.com/reels/DIocu5qMewG/

You did know better though @HolyCheeses as soon as he finally produced his spreadsheets you knew he wanted to abuse you financially.
You posted on here for dissection of his plans and his manipulation soon became clear.
You have a goal to renovate your house, sell it and then find your forever home. You will be free of manipulation and making every decision yourself. You are finally choosing you!

Just tell him he's got his sums all wrong. He doesn't seem to know price of a loaf of bread or carton of milk (although that can vary these days). He is carried away/obsessed by his large house - everything is focused on it. He only loves the house.

OP: I'm 51- old enough to know better !
It's the cock-ups that keep us feeling young😊