AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

You are not being unreasonable at all. Just say no I don't think you moving in with him will.work out

Love the term labour digger!

This is exactly what my closest friend said.

It's so refreshing to read an OP and their subsequent posts and see the moment of epiphany and resolve take hold.

I am rooting for you @HolyCheeses and the new life that awaits you. One of freedom, independance, adventure - should you seek it - but most of all peace of mind and living on your terms.

This relationship developed when you were going through an extremely hard time, up against an abuser too. You don't need another one in your life.
I think that this man is manipulative and sly and isn't remotely stupid - as has been suggested. He has had a plan and one where he takes as much as he can from you. He sees you as a resource to gain from and to facilitate his life in as many ways as possible.

The CF really overplayed his cards and spreadsheets.

Crikey, he really does have some front.

It will be very interesting to see how this pans out.

Does Sky cost £180 a month? I don't have it but I have a BBC license, Netflix, Amazon and Disney and pay a fraction of that!
And what does he eat for £1400 month?

Please ask him for a copy of the spreadsheet so you can check your finances🤣 (and then screenshot for us)

I think the fact you're not heart broken really tells you all you need to know about the relationship anyway. Wishing you a very happy, mansion-free and financially stable future in your happy caviar free home.

Was there a gardner on the spreadsheet too?
Ironing service and laundry for aged Ps sheets?
Golf club membership so the ' little lady' can have a swim in the pool.

I nursed both my parents in an annex and that was exempt from council tax so he's saved that too.
I think I'd rather do a Emma Thompson in Good luck Leo Grande and buy it in.

If the house remains in his name (and yours in yours), I think paying half on a vastly larger house is a bit cheeky. Yes pay towards it, but in relation to

1. you never owning it
2. vastly larger than you need, more his families needs
3. your wage difference. dont be pushed into something you are not comfortable with.

I don’t understand the £1400 a month on food for 2 of you.

I mainly shop in M&S as it’s the closest shop to me and I’m lazy and even I don’t spend £350 per week on food for 2 adults and 2 hungry teenagers!

Oh please please please 😁

I can hardly believe the figures he expected the OP to swallow without question in order to get her to pay more than half his mortgage and take care of his aged parents in her spare time! He's a devious bustard. It makes you wonder, and worry, what would have happened had she actually moved in.

This is incredible behaviour on his part. He's complaining he will need to get a lodger if you don't move in straightaway? That's an admission that he has completely built his dream on your expected financial contribution, without ever asking you. I'm glad this thread has helped you see this for what it is OP.

He must be including food for his parents, surely, that's the only way you could get to that number.

The more you’ve posted the more irredeemable his behaviour.

He will doubtless be outraged at you not moving in, let alone you ending things, but he clearly hoped he was edging you to the point of no return in a way that is cynical, even if he can’t own it. You will have “letting him” decorate your children’s rooms and take on such a massive commitment thrown in your face but he can’t evade the fact that you repeatedly pressed him for how it would work financially and he kicked it down the road.

You have had a lucky escape, I’m sure he can’t believe a middle-aged woman would choose to be single and in a .., terraced house… when you could have him and his mansion 🤣

The sad thing is too many of us women, of all ages do seem to settle for less than we should because there aren’t enough decent men out there. I’m so glad you are not going there. I’m relieved for you.

Got a feeling I'm completely missing the point but couldn't he sell his mansion and move closer to you, in his own place? Once he does that see how the relationship holds up and work out who would move in with who at that stage

Ah, just read all your updates OP. I'm sure you've reached the right decision.

He may be a devious bastard or he may be so selfish that he can't even imagine OP having her own ideas and not doing what he wants.

It would be interesting now to have a further conversation about the finer details. With the scales having fallen from your eyes, you’ll view the conversation and his cheeky fuckery with new eyes.
At some point you’d have to say “you are having a laugh here, aren’t you! You can’t seriously expect me to contribute in this way”

Once he gets over it ... he'll send an invoice for the paint he used in the bedrooms.

But even then it’s hard. I’m sure my teenagers eat way more than a couple in their 80’s.

It's really simple, you tell him u just cannot afford 50% of a home like that and you can't afford to stop building your own asset for your future financial security. He's offering you an extended holiday in lovely surroundings which is nice, but not at all financially prudent for you, and increasing what you spend on your home was not in your plan and so you cannot move in and pay what he wants. He didn't buy that house to suit your needs, why does he suddenly expect it to suit your needs

I recon OP could 'counter sue' with some invoices of her own!😄

Please do keep us updated

Well done op, I bet that all looked rather lovely to him! Without a second thought for your security.