AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Do you even own the dog?!
Do you have or want a £180 Sky package?!
This is crazy.

’Nurse with a purse’ comes to mind. Bloody men they’re shameless and they call us the gold diggers !

What on earth does he eat!

Council tax seems very low.

Has he pulled these figures out of his arse?

I thought it was quite normal to go by relative income.. We split our bills based roughly on the percentage of what we bring in. As the lower earner, I maybe try and skew it a bit to pay a bit more, cause 50/50 would be ideal, but not if it means one person has no expendable income. You aren't being unreasonable at all. I definitely would not move in if he really can't see that arrangement isn't fair.

I know you mentioned earlier that you don't think he was lining you up to care for his parents, because you work ft so obviously can't do it. Men like this don't think in that way, and don't usual non-selfish logic in their plans. You would be the only woman in the home, so in his mind it will fall to you. To him, his job and his time matter more than yours, his parents can't go in a home, so obviously you do it. And if you say no, you are being selfish, the guilt and manipulation ramp up. He is not being selfish and won't feel guilty, because he's a man and it's not his job. He'd set it up so it would seem unreasonable to not help, and at that point where else can you go? When you're in the thick of it, the slow manoeuvering and trickery of these fuckers is hard to see. You've seen through him now, but had he been a bit more sneaky and you less wise, you might have moved in and been trapped.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire! I wouldn't share finances with someone so financially irresponsible.

Or he WOULD have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for those pesky MN vipers!

You've won a scooby snack!

Are these figures 'from memory' because you don't have a copy to hand... or did he not let you keep a copy of them?!

(I mean, it's a moot point now because you've seen through him, but...).

I pay less than £50 for sky a month……whose dogs? Think he is taking the piddle. You need to get out of this relationship, he certainly thinks he can manipulate you that in itself is concerning

Umm actually I’m not heart broken by this. I’m glad I came here to use this place as a sounding board.

i feel strangely relived and hopeful. In fact some of these replies are making me laugh out loud I can assure you. It’s comedic when I am updating you I just feel I’m edging closer and closer to the reality

cheeky fucker indeed.

Oh have a dog and so does he- not that it matters now

The facetious side of me actually wants to get more figures from him.

I'm torn between wanting you to kick the CF into touch immediately and wanting you to string him along just a bit longer so that you can get all the details to share on here!

OP I am so happy you are not allowing yourself to be taken for a ride, You were most certainly being lined up as a 'nurse with a purse' as others have said. Whether you work fulltime or not is not relevant to him, he would have tried to guilt you into going part time or quitting because obviously his Big Man job is more important than yours.

£1400 a month on food! I would love to see an itemised account of that - what on earth does he eat?

Please do get some more figures from him, the ones he's given you so far are outlandish.

Edit to add: go and be free and secure your own future and enjoy your life.

So glad that you've come to that decision! I have seen various women in my life uproot for a man (including myself!) and it has never ended well. They all have ended up poorer, subsidising the man's lifestyle either through their own labour or in cash terms, and desperately unhappy. One moved in having been promised marriage and domestic bliss, only to find herself being asked to buy him a new car, new bathroom and being charged £800 a month housekeeping for a shoddy 3 bedroom terrace in a grim part of town... We were actually quite scared by that one: he was that desperate, we were worried about how to get her out of it safely.

You sound like you have a marvellous set up - enjoy renovating your home and design the life you want to have!

Why not ask him if he's sure he's included everything, OP? Say you don't want to make a decision based on his figures and then find out there are actually a load of additional expenses 😉. I bet he'll say 'well actually...'

Those bills are crazy!
We have Sky cinema, all sports Inc F1 HD, fast speed internet, phone, Netflix, Disney and ITVX and we still pay less than £180 pcm.
He doesn't get to unilaterally decide which utilities are being used and have you pay half! My husband doesn't contribute as much to our TV packages cos I want them lol and we have been married 15years and have separate finances and a joint bills account (not always 50/50 either 😉)
A partner should be discussing things like dog walking, cleaning, food expenses before arriving at a price £700 pp is also more than us and we spend £250 pcm on alcohol and have a dog!

Absolutely, this man is a gold digger and a labour digger (I saw this term on Facebook recently, it's perfect! I think it was the Uppity Negress who coined it).

Oh please do OP… ask him to send the spreadsheet on, I’m dying to see what other ridiculous expenses he expected to be able to squeeze you for.

@HolyCheeses He's forgotten Gas, Electric, Water, Internet...he's not doing you any favours by holding back not spending every penny of your money. 😉

Don't be pushed into anything. He's been intending to use you all along, to pay half of a mortgage on a house he couldn't afford in the first place. Stay where you're comfortable instead of letting him bankrupt you for his own self-centred reasons. And don't do anything silly just to hang onto a man.

Do you usually employ a dog walker or is charging you half for his to be walked?!
It all sounds abit nuts tbh, if his parents are there, main bills should be split 4 ways as
I’m assuming the annexe is connected to the main houses supplies of electricity, water etc
Will be interested to see what his reply is to you turning him down

So glad to hear that your mind is made up to the point that you can laugh at how ridiculous all this is. Tell him your friends 9n mn would like to see the derailed spreaesheets so can he please send them. X

That's good to hear OP.

Ooh if you get any more info you must come back and tell us. I'm overly invested in this situation 😂

I had one that wanted to move in with friends in my city. He announced that now he'd be able to come to mine every night for tea then go home and spend the rest of the evening hanging out with them.

Oh will you now.......

Well that'd be just lovely. A free, home cooked meal every night with none of the nonsense of shopping, paying for or cooking a damn thing. I also get to spend every night on my own when he's pissed off home. You can probably guess whether that little plan got off the ground 😂

I've only read the OP's posts and I know this thread is long, so apologies if this has already been said. But in case it's helpful for anyone reading this: if you move into a house and pay half the mortgage as 'rent' but you're not on the mortgage or the deeds, you are basically a lodger. Whether you're in a relationship with the owner or not. The owner can ask you to leave with no notice and you have zero legal rights to live in that property. You could be made homeless at a moment's notice, having spent a ton of your money feathering someone else's nest.

Usually when people choose to be lodgers, these risks are offset by the cheaper rent. But in this case he wants to fleece you for every penny!

The arrogance of him to think you'd be so cockstruck you wouldn't notice that there's absolutely nothing in this deal for you.