AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

I often wonder about this kind of thing, to what extent is it calculated and to what extent is it more that men are socialized/trained to see women as subordinates who are there to facilitate men's lives. They don't particularly reflect on their behavior, they just do what feels right and normal to them, overvaluing their contribution and undervaluing the woman's contribution whilst believing that they must be right because they are the man.
OR, is that me following my training and giving men too much of the benefit of the doubt? 🤷🏼‍♀️
Obviously 'not all men', women can be domineering and exploitative too.
However (broadly speaking) I think it's harder for women to get away with it and so this kind of personality trait is less likely to become entrenched.

I bet he was expecting you to help out with care for his mum. So you would have subsidised his bills by 50%, presumably done house work, cooking, life admin, not contributed to mortgage but also no claim on the house, on tap sex, and helped care for his mum. What a cushy deal he nearly got!

Gosh hes been planning this wee scam for a while, hooking you in with contributing to the design and work so you feel like its yours, when its not. Id be walking away too, feels premeditated in the worst way.

But why is he demanding OP goes 50:50 - surely she shouldn't pay more than 25% (minus his pets and expensive Sky contract)

You do know that he would expect you to squeeze in looking after his parents don’t you, despite you working full time.

Sounds like he’s very money driven and is used to the world spinning around him. In other words he’s very self centred.

I’m glad you’re keeping your house. I really do think living with him would have left you very vulnerable and it would have ended up in tears. It’s his house and he would have been calling the shots.

But with you paying 50% of the annex cleaning costs - and likely doing their washing, cooking etc etc

Saffron-crusted truffles?

That’s your vision though - likely not his!

I don't even know you, but I am super relieved you seem to have stepped back and have made this decision!! Well done!! I am a single mum and I am so grateful that I didn't move in with a long distance partner years ago, and that I didn't put my daughters father on my mortgage - or got married to him! We women must protect our assets. Good for you, I say. All the best x

😂

They really really won’t!

I can’t see how most normal people even get near it!

We are three people (one adult and two teens, teens notoriously eating more than adults, the adult and one teen take lunches to work and school) and we spend about £400-£500 on food.

So I can see £700 for 4 adults/ £800 at most, but how do you get it to £1400??? That’s double £700!

And I am really not frugal.

This sounds like a classic case of “nurse with a purse”. If you moved in then there would be a gradual creep of you doing more and more for his parents. Because elderly people in poor health in their 80s don’t get better, they get worse. Till it got to the point where he’d suggest you gave up work to look after them full time as after all, he’s the bigger earner.

I’m also raising an eyebrow at “my parents will never go into care”. He obviously has no knowledge or understanding about what caring for a seriously infirm elderly person is like - it’s not just sitting with them with a cup of tea for half an hour. Dementia, incontinence (both kinds), lack of mobility, bed sores - all reasons why full time care is expensive. You need training and equipment to deal with all of that.

Maybe that's what attracted him to you, he thought 'other people have been able to exploit her so it should be easy for me to do the same'.
Or is it just that predators can smell their prey?

it’s about time I put myself at the top of the tree.

This with knobs on! Take care of you ❤️

I voted yanbu but thought suddenly wanting to jump ship on the relationship was a bit much. However the spreadsheet is mad and confirms he is trying to take advantage. Expecting uou to pay half of the household food (must include parents at thst cost) particularly stands out. But also things like sky unless you are a mad keen sports fan no one needs sky - ok you might watch it if he has subscribed but if you would normally opt for basic broadband and Netflix it isn’t fair. If the dog isn’t yours why would you pay for dog walking. Some of these costs seem designed for you to offer taking over cleaning or dog walking etc to save money.

Is that "your" half?

If so, cancel sky, sell the dog, it's not your house so you don't need insurance and aren't liable for CT, you can clean your own mess and buy your own food.

That should get it down to £ 0

You're doing the right thing.

If you don't, every time you look in a mirror, there will be a big pair of donkey ears and the word ASS on your forehead staring back at you.

Bravo! Nice to see someone choosing themselves for once!

I’d be throwing this one back if I was you. He makes double what you do and expects you to fund his lavish lifestyle. If this isn’t a wind up I think he sees you as a bit dense or gullible, next he’ll be asking you to sell your house to help with a crisis or “Brilliant” new quest of his.

He’s a cad.

Bird's nest soup, from the rarest and most expensive bird's nest - the blood-red cave nests of the swiftlet bird, formed entirely from solidified saliva in a dark Southeast Asian cave.

Why would he expect you to pay insurance for a house you’re not on the deeds of?

Honestly OP he’s definitely looking for a nurse with a purse to bankroll his Walton's dream on a mansion

Enjoy your single life in your own home

He is baffled because he is not getting his way. Go with your gut Too many red flags, his urgency for you to commit, sounds financially over spent, and his parents in an annex. I am in the same situation, my children have left and independently settled, and now it is our time to be free to live our lives how we wish.

Oh yes, I saw a Korean chef using that on the second Culinary Class Wars. I hid my eyes with a sofa cushion while the rest of the family watched agog, albeit with some gagging noises...

now it is our time to be free to live our lives how we wish
@Sieena I agree, but certain types of men will see an 'unclaimed woman' who could be theirs for the taking if they can just say the right things.

I agree, we have three adults and a teenage boy, we spend £600-£700 a month on food and household goods and we aren't at all careful what we are buying.

He said his parents arent getting off scott free? Hmm i dont think he would be above financially abusing his own parents. BIG RED FLAG Age UK might be interested in his attitude. And if i were you @HolyCheeses i would be ending it and if he gives any shit emotional blackmail or harrassment Age UK would be getting a call.