AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

@HolyCheeses Glad to hear that you're staying put. As you say, you've worked too hard to lose what you have. Put yourself first.

Good for you!
Sorry I had no idea how bills would be so huge.
If there's only two of you why is that?
I really do think he is going to get his house half paid for by you! It's great that you haven't agreed

Are you crazy, he wants you to pay 1/2 of a mortgage he already pays? He wants you to move in and what cook clean laundry and look after his parents? Seems hes getting a interest free bank cleaner,maid cook and carer. What are you getting a bigger rented house to clean and dependents who dont get better? Madness

Massive house, parents are also going to be living there.

What?????!!!!
Are they paying 50% ???

That is unknown to us at present.

After my own hideous divorce, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be in a position where some man's whim could make me homeless, or that my finances would always be completely separate from any other person's.
My committment to total independence has stood me in good stead in the last ten years.

You stand nothing to gain from his proposal and everything to lose.

Good for you OP.

Sharing your life with someone so concerned about his own circumstances / finances who sees you as a source of income is a recipe for disaster. The lodger comment was a give-away!

Nothing less romantic or sexy than a tightarse with his eyes on your bank account.

So… he earns way more than you.. but wants you to pay 50/50.

How does he think that is fair?

As for paying his mortgage… you’re not his tenant so unless he’s putting you on the deeds, tell him to fuck off! What’s in it for you?!

I agree that you couldn't afford/dont want to move there anyway, but I guess he bought the house a while ago as he's been renovating and doing the bedrooms to your DC's tastes, so why on earth didn't you discuss finances months ago ??

She already said she tried and he wouldn't answer:

I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Every time I asked
“don’t worry we’ll figure it all out”
”yes yes, we’ll sort it soon”
”should be quite straight forward we’ll wing it”
”I’ll draw something up soon”

take your pick

Exactly, seems quite obvious!
And if you/he don't want to, OP, then it's understandable you don't want to risk changing job/moving. I would actually say it's ok if you weren't having to do these things, but as you are, it isn't.
Can you suggest going to some neutral party-I don't know if there are credit/financial counsellors in this country, but so you can get a neutral expert? If you show him this, he will probably think it's biased women. But I would give exactly the same advice if a man had asked me.

You're deffo doing the right thing, he can find someone else to rinse for his own benefit!

I did and we have been married together for 15 years. Just was going to make a thread about me earning now more but it is not needed. I love being kept

Wishing you luck with everything. I hope it isn’t too difficult to end things with him. Being some distance away should hopefully help.

This.

This man is being a bit of a twat.
Why would you subject yourself to more than this level of fuckwittery?

Be kind to yourself, because no one else will.

Yes because the financial abuse can be loved out of these men. Gosh it works every time 🙄

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Definitely keep your independence and finances separately. You have a lot to lose and he has lots to gain.

I’d get the ick and move on. He just sounds like a knob. Wants a lodger not a partner

this was in response to the pp who said OP didnt seem to like her partner let alone love him

Until there are well earning women who go with this kind of men, these men will try their luck

she is being groomed until full abuse

No you are not being unreasonable. If he wants 50:50 on the mortgage then you should be on the title deeds.

That's really sad if he needs a lodger if you don't move in.

It sounds like him wanting you there is more than just personal but financial too. He'd already made assumptions of your contribution based on what he needed to finance his dream house and move his parents in.

I can understand why he's 'bereft'. Yes, bereft that his carefully thought out 'dream life for HIMSELF only' doesn't actually benefit you in any way at all and you've wised up to it in the nick of time. To the contrary, you're subbing him and his parents if you do go there.

Bloody hell OP, it's not a deal is it. It's a steal from you. Walk away.