AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

This was what I was going to say!!! Not just the 50/50 costs but having his parents basically living with you, NOOOO WAAAYYY. That would be the decider not to move our of my own home.

“Future Faking” - one of the grooming tactics of the abusive man along with “love bombing” - just to get you in the zone

He makes 2x what you do.
You're not married; and if you were, he wants a pre-nup protecting his stuff.
He wants to move HIS parents in.
He was evasive for months over finances ... but when you'd had enough he admits he expects you to pay HALF of everything because he wants big house. With room for his parents.

He wants you to pay HALF of everything, even though his parents will also be living there. So you'll be paying for them, too.
Imagine he expects you to help look after them, too.
While you'll be turfed out with nothing the minute he changes his mind or dies ...you'll have zero interest in the house.

He doesn't give a shit about 'you'. You're meant to be subsidizing his life. Including having a cleaner you'll help fund.

Fuck all of that. Run!

I'm so pleased you're not going through with this OP, seriously well done in making what sounds to others like a snap decision to end the relationship but is actually clearly the result of longterm doubts that you've not been able to fully look in the eye because you've been processing your painful divorce.

Though - do make a note to self that you weren't able (almost certainly due to previous emotional damage) to make this decision on your own. You need (like we almost all do, haha) proper therapy before you start another relationship (or even if you don't tbh). Not 'counselling' which is basically just active listening - but actual proper psychodynamic psychotherapy with someone who's trained for 5 years, not just done some evening classes.

Good luck with your new life where you drive your own car (metaphor but you know) !

@HolyCheeses

You asked upthread "it is possible to love someone and know that it won’t work for ME".

I'm old and I've seen and done a lot and I'm here to tell you that the answer is a resounding YES.

One of the hardest lessons I ever learnt was 'Sometimes love is just not enough'. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are right or healthy for you (or vice versa).

So IMHO you're making the right decision to end the relationship, especially as he's what we used to refer to in my single days (when dinosaurs still roamed the earth) as "GU" (Geographically Undesirable).

I know you said you'd prefer to move elsewhere. Never move for a man. Look for where you like the area and you'd have social support from people you know and love, if possible.

OP would have been the ideal solution for him. Sounds like he needs income from a lodger to be able to afford the house. The ideal lodger is a female who will not only subsidise his living costs, but also service him, cook, clean, be his therapist, help with his parents and even help care for them in the future. A standard lodger just isn’t quite so convenient. Let’s hope they like the colour their bedroom is painted.

@HolyCheeses so you're dumping him poor man he's now got to start grooming another woman to be his slave.

My BIL is like this goes through women. He had a B&B. found a lovely woman who adored him, for a few years did all the changeovers and cleaning. He cooked the breakfasts. Sold the hotel and dumped her. Moved to another town found a divorcee with a lovely cottage persuaded her to move in with him sell her home. See the world together on expensive holidays on her dime. Then dumped her. There's been others.

He's got a new one now gawd help her

He's 72 now when will these women wake up.

Honestly I would tell him the decision to take the next step in your relationship comes first. Where you live comes second.

Then where you live needs to be somewhere you both agree to, feel comfortable with, can afford and both equally investing in going forward. No way would I want to be paying bills on a "mansion" if I only had the means for the costs of a smaller home and I wasn't going to feel like an equal in my own home. My independence and financial security matters to me.

My brother pays in excess of £50 A DAY for heating in his large home during winter months 😮 Lovely house but not for me!

He thinks you are stupid. So you give up your home, move in, subsidize his home, care for his aging parents and if it doesn't work out you move out. So you are worse off living there and worse off leaving.

No.

OP, had he mentioned the care for his aging parents? Like what their contributions to the bills would be, what he thought would happen as they get older and need more help? Or was that something he wanted to just ~wing too?

Don’t pay a mortgage that’s not your own. He’s not your landlord. Don’t give up your property. It’s times such as these that you get to see if the relationship is viable, unfortunately.

Holy shit that's steep! I was upset when mine went above a fiver a day in the coldest part of winter!

I once loved someone who was financially incompetent. Everything else in our relationship was positive and kind and gentle and supportive and thrilling, but I realised that I could never enter into a long term committed relationship - my personal freedom and financial independence had been too hard a battle, to lose it all to someone else.

It's hard to let go of someone you love, but sometimes it has to be done. I still have ocassional pangs of 'what if" but Ido not have any regrets.

I thought it was interesting that your (ex?)dp said "I'll draw something up soon"... Like he was the one in charge of drawing up an agreement... Then he presented you with a spreadsheet.

I'd counteract with a spreadsheet of my own: Here's what you earn, here's what you currently pay, here is how much better off you'd be if I moved in. Here's what I earn, here's what I currently pay, here is how much worse off I'd be if I moved in. Then just wait. He'd either get it and be embarassed, and apologise. Or not.

I think you already know he won't get it.

But a couple of questions. If you sold your house and moved into him, what would you do with the equity? Would you have that stashed in your own account or give it to your dc?

And why did you not give this ultimatum about finance and costs before your dc were involved in choosing their rooms and decor? Did you all get caught up in the excitement, and were you thinking that he would pay for a house for all of you?

You sound a bit angry OP, and you know what ...that is a good thing.

Look back over the past few years with a different view now. Even with an angry view and more than likely you will see things a little differently. A bit like a spotlight has moved and now you see the little dark corners.

Lovely house, 3 story, huge staircase / stairwell that is probably more cubic meters than my whole modest 3 bed house 🤣

Legally, unless everything has completely changed in the last decade (entirely possible, admittedly) the only way to gain an interest in another person's home if unmarried is to contribute towards its purchase or significant renovation "in money or money's worth".

If you split bills and mortgage down the middle, then you can argue the intention was to split the equity, too, should you ever split up. He probably doesn't know it, but that's certainly always been the law, up to a decade ago. And I'm not aware that it has changed.

This is why you should never ask anyone to pay towards the mortgage unless it's in a formal tenancy arrangement, in writing, or you intend them to own part of it as your life partner. Bills are fine, food or furniture is fine, but if they're paying towards the mortgage, and a cohabitant, you need evidence that it did not intend to give rise to any equitable interest in the property.

If you live with a man, have five kids with him as a SAHP, and completely renovate that house and the garden with your labour, but don't contribute in cold hard cash, then you don't gain an interest in any of it. He can evict you at will, and all he owes is child maintainance, unless you marry. That is what makes marriage such a protective thing for women, if they want to have kids, and will take a career break (or even just a career hit) because of that.

But pay half the mortgage? You can argue the equity you contributed towards is yours.

If anyone ever offers to fund part of the mortgage when moving in, this was never a good thing for the person already in situ. That's the only way an unmarried person can, or at least could, stake a claim on any split.

You sound far too intelligent and capable for this cheapskate - major ick!

It sounds like he can’t afford the house without you paying half the bills…

Subsidising his parents? Tell him to fuck off.

After getting fleeced in a divorce and paying the lot, I will never buy property with a man or marry for that matter. Any assets are being left to my dc only.

What if you split up? You will have contributed to the mortgage and not be entitled to anything. Don’t lose your stability!

Stingy, greedy men are my ultimate turn off. I would rather remain celibate until death than entertain one.

I agree with your proposal of payments proportional to each of your incomes. But I think this should be of bills only and not mortgage payments, unless you’re going to get some legal advice and agreement about what you can take out if you were to split up. But really OP this man has red flag written all over him - the expectation, not being able to understand your point - and the shitty behaviour and lack of support when your were broke and finalising your divorce. I'd have been gone at this point nevermind now.

I think you’ve got his measure now, @HolyCheeses. Let me just get this right - you’d be going 50/50 on all the household bills as well as the mortgage and that would include paying his parents’ share, or have I completely misunderstood, as that would actually be so beyond the pale as to be in another country? Anyway, he is trying to financially abuse/control you, and you are right not to let that happen. Well done for your decision, your instinct is completely correct!

Yes, all in the name of 'love'.

Funny what love is a cover for, so often it's not love, it's something else very dark indeed.

In principle I don’t see an issue if you pay fair market value . If that happens to be half his mortgage then so be it. However, if this means more than you pay now, and you don’t need to do it then stand your ground and pay what you think is fair. If he truly wants you there he’ll concede.

Kindly OP, you have gone from one prick to another.

He knows EXACTLY what he was doing.

Getting you in, pay half his bills, probably including his parents too, possibly be free help with his parents, have no rights whatsoever, and miles away from where you are now.

You would want to be out of your fxxking mind to consider this.

He has all the hallmarks of a massive abuser.

He showed you who he was with that strop.

Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Two books you need to read.

You have wasted enough of your life on pricks.

He is not the least confused.
He just wants to use and financially abuse you.

Well done in realising it is over.
Do not consider ever making yourself vulnerable to a man again.

It only ever ends in disaster.

What were the plans for his parents?
Have you met them? Do you get along? How independent are they?

I'd also be worried he would be expecting you to take on caring duties for them in the future.