AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

That's not a relationship, that's him getting his cake... what next, you do the caring?

Nope. I would never agree to contribute to the mortgage unless he:

• arrange for the legal process to add you to the deeds & mortgage as a co-owner of the property
• marries you so you woukd get your half of the property if you were to divorce.

But frankly in this case I think he is a CF just to suggest that you contribute to the mortgage with nothing in return so would stay in your own home & even reconsider this relationship.

He might need to get two lodgers to help pay the bills. He'll certainly have rooms for them

And she wouldn’t be paying 50% of the utilities for three other adults!

He'll get a lodger if you don't move in?

So you're basically.....a lodger??

All whilst paying a cleaner and housekeeper?

And I'm sorry but the spreadsheet would have finished it for me

HNRTT but perhaps don't have a starting position that even a 70/30 split is fair if the bills are larger. It sounds like he's shaped your thinking.

If he was a decent person he would see that he earns considerably more than you and wouldn’t want you to be left with nothing at the end of the month. Generally the highest earner would pay more of the bills etc as that makes sense. But you could help in other ways. It sounds as if he has over spent on the house hence needing a lodger. You do not need to be his lodger you have a home.

He's prepared bedrooms for YOUR adult children without any agreement you would actually be moving in???? Why on earth has he done that?

I mean, it would be a bit odd even if you were moving in but this is so peculiar I'm hoping I've misunderstood!

Aside from the finances which would be totally unfair to you, there is also the consideration that his elderly parents may need a carer at some point. Have you thought of that. Asking you to relocate to a totally different area, change jobs etc. would also leave you extremely isolated unless you have a particularly strong group of friends yourself in his area now. It would be a very big No from me.

Apologies. There was no quote with the post so it wasn't clear you were replying to someone else.

Don't move in with a man. You have your freedom and your house. They always end up making us wash their socks one way or another. Stay together-apart if you enjoy his company.

His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

This is just such a big red flag. Also, why does he 'need' to get a lodger?

Not a chance. Stay in your house. Also, if your kids are at uni won't they want to come back?

It's not like graduates are up and running independently these days. Well, in some cases.

He doesn't sound great OP.

Im almost divorced and would never even consider living with a man/combining finances ever again.

Are you crazy, he wants you to pay 1/2 of a mortgage he already pays? He wants you to move in and what cook clean laundry and look after his parents? Seems hes getting a interest free bank cleaner,maid cook and carer. What are you getting a bigger rented house to clean and dependents who dont get better? Madness

It’s rather risky OP. You’ll have no back up plan if it all goes pear-shaped. Keep your house, whatever you do.

I can see what he would get out of this but lm not so sure about you? Worst case scenario then you would be subsidising him and caring for his parents. How are they and the annexe going to fit into all of this?

Totally agree. Each to their own but I can’t understand why anyone with older DC and their own property would ever consider cohabiting with a man again.
Enjoy the fun of being a couple but keeping your own assets is the way forward imo

The fact that he says he needs to get a lodger if you don't move in is worrying.
He earns more than you but can't pay the mortgage and bills on his own?
It seems he has seen you as a financial benefit rather than a relationship.
I would say that you could agree to go 50/50 on bills and groceries not not the mortgage. That would be the same whether you were there or not and as others have said you have no stake in it

If he had everything worked out on spreadsheets, why was he so reluctant to share them with you until you pushed him to?

My hunch is that he knows that it's not a good financial decision for you, but he needs your money to finance this big house and annexe...so he hoped you'd agree without asking for too many details.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but he needs your financial support far more than he's willing to admit. I would stay in your current home and job and keep your independence. After everything you went through with your ex, you don't want to end up worse off and potentially caring for his parents in the future.

He can get a lodger if necessary.

So, now that his property is renovated, he won’t consider maintaining the status quo and return the favour by travelling to you at weekends to help you with yours [and in fact has not done so in the last 4 years]. However, he expects you to move in whilst servicing a mortgage/renovation of your own, and subsequently awaiting the sale of your property … oh, and pay a 50:50 split whilst doing so? From a new job you may or may not be able to get locally?

It has to be because he cannot afford to keep his property without a tenant/income stream [surely his parents would be paying rent and bills on their annexe?] and this has been his financial plan all along. It was never about cementing your relationship but about ensuring he can afford his mansion.

Deluded comes to mind. Along with self-serving and manipulative.
Please throw this one back.

I’m not agreeing to half the bills - they’re HUGE -that would leave me financially worst off than in my own place - that was never on the table - his suggestion was 50:50 and he framed it as - ‘paying half of everything , we’ll be so much better off!’ Erm. No.

Decision is made so don’t panic- thanks for your insight everyone. I think in been in survival mode and trying to get through the divorce that as pp ha set I had a very low bar set.

Ive worked way too hard to piss this away

If you pay half mortgage you then go on the deeds and entitled to half.

It's him doing the bare minimum so he can guilt trip lock her in to his dreamy spreadsheet lurve house.