Page 9 | AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

Happywhen · 2026-04-19T20:48:07+00:00

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us” on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask? turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were: ”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together” “how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?” “I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything” “we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night” Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said). like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon) aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense? im open to being flamed!!!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 17:02

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

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ah Sorry. Misunderstand what you meant

def time to be less available

meet a friend /go for a coffee /book in a cafe

Thefingerofblame · 20/04/2026 18:16

@Happywhen how long have you been together?

Sharptonguedwoman · 20/04/2026 18:18

lottiegarbanzo · 20/04/2026 08:57

Marathon training AND golf though. He’s going for some sort of ‘how to get out of childcare’ double award! Has he thought about taking up cycling?

😂😂😂

Rhaidimiddim · 20/04/2026 18:31

Elanol · 20/04/2026 14:59

Oh I missed that corker. What an absolute twat he is.

OP's going to have to walk away from this because it won't change. He's established a nice little set up where she is the default babysitter who gets shit if she dares to make plans in her own time as a childless adult.

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Nice summing up.

BadMrsFrosty · 20/04/2026 21:30

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 10:21

I’m not pretending she doesn’t exist!! He has one weekend day a month where his daughter is with her mother, I’m not forcing that situation, that’s the agreement they’ve made. He naturally has that day free.

Again I’ll say it - I’m not a parent in the sense he is. He decided to have a relationship with someone who isn’t his child’s mother, is it so surprising that they’d expect a day to just be them? It must be different when it’s your shared child, but I’m being placed in a role of being a “mum” and not a partner at all. If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

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Have you posted about this before OP? There was a lady whose husband was a physician but who was obsessed with fitness and got her to do all the childcare while he pursued his hobbies in the evenings.
You don't owe anyone babysitting or family time, you are not a parent, it sounds like it may be time for you to leave

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 21:58

BadMrsFrosty · 20/04/2026 21:30

Have you posted about this before OP? There was a lady whose husband was a physician but who was obsessed with fitness and got her to do all the childcare while he pursued his hobbies in the evenings.
You don't owe anyone babysitting or family time, you are not a parent, it sounds like it may be time for you to leave

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I rem that thread

Overwhelmedandtired · Yesterday 10:39

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

I think the issue is that for you it is one weekend child free that he can spend with you. For him it is one weekend he is childfree that he can spend with you, or on his hobbies/with his friends. As you have said, he shouldn't prioritise his hobby over his daughter so he can't do his hobby on other weekends.

I don't think you've mentioned if you have a hobby/time alone on any of his weekends that he has his daughter. Which you are absolutely entitled and should do. If you do, bear in mind it is something he doesn't get.

It is not unreasonable to want to spend some time with him. And your best quality time is that one day of the month his daughter is with her mum. However, I also don't think its unreasonable for him to want the odd day to himself. A weekend day is different to the evenings. Its a longer chunk of time when you aren't already potentially tired from work.

The difficulty is balancing the two wants. Your time as a couple, and his time alone/on his hobby. You have also acknowledged that spending time alone is important by talking about going for a holiday by yourself (which is absolutely important for you to do). Even though he is a parent, it is also important for parents to get quality time to decompress, on their own. This isn't a slight against their partner, just something that helps you recharge. If he spends all his childfree weekends with you, he won't get it.

Maybe you could look at spending 2 out of 3 childfree weekend days together, and he gets a hobby one 1 in 3? Or encourage him to ask his dad to watch her once a month or something for him to do his hobby. Yes, you need time together. But maybe there is a compromise that he gets some alone time too?

ConverselyAttired · Yesterday 10:51

Overwhelmedandtired · Yesterday 10:39

I think the issue is that for you it is one weekend child free that he can spend with you. For him it is one weekend he is childfree that he can spend with you, or on his hobbies/with his friends. As you have said, he shouldn't prioritise his hobby over his daughter so he can't do his hobby on other weekends.

I don't think you've mentioned if you have a hobby/time alone on any of his weekends that he has his daughter. Which you are absolutely entitled and should do. If you do, bear in mind it is something he doesn't get.

It is not unreasonable to want to spend some time with him. And your best quality time is that one day of the month his daughter is with her mum. However, I also don't think its unreasonable for him to want the odd day to himself. A weekend day is different to the evenings. Its a longer chunk of time when you aren't already potentially tired from work.

The difficulty is balancing the two wants. Your time as a couple, and his time alone/on his hobby. You have also acknowledged that spending time alone is important by talking about going for a holiday by yourself (which is absolutely important for you to do). Even though he is a parent, it is also important for parents to get quality time to decompress, on their own. This isn't a slight against their partner, just something that helps you recharge. If he spends all his childfree weekends with you, he won't get it.

Maybe you could look at spending 2 out of 3 childfree weekend days together, and he gets a hobby one 1 in 3? Or encourage him to ask his dad to watch her once a month or something for him to do his hobby. Yes, you need time together. But maybe there is a compromise that he gets some alone time too?

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I get the impression OP is expected to do 50% of the parenting on "his weekends". So he'd get snippy if he was taking daughter to the zoo and OP said sorry, off for a run and then for brunch with my mates.

Tontostitis · Yesterday 10:53

BadMrsFrosty · 20/04/2026 21:30

Have you posted about this before OP? There was a lady whose husband was a physician but who was obsessed with fitness and got her to do all the childcare while he pursued his hobbies in the evenings.
You don't owe anyone babysitting or family time, you are not a parent, it sounds like it may be time for you to leave

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Sadly it's not unusual for men to think they work hard and are entitled to play hard and the woman in their life should just shut up put out and facilitate it

Bobloblawww · Yesterday 11:03

You can do better. Go and find someone who wants to spend time with you and not just use you as a nanny.

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 11:11

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

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Is this why his previous relationship broke down? Did the shift work get in the way of his important hobbies?

FWIW you were correct up thread - parents of young children compromise on the hobbies. Some parents, mostly men IME struggle to change their lifestyle with young children and the woman becomes the default parent whilst they continue the childfree life just as you are now assumed to be available for childcare on his hobby evenings.

The question is what are you getting out of this partnership and are you happy with a man who will not change from this set of assumptions?

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · Yesterday 12:50

This doesn't sound good OP.

He's treating you like a live in nanny.

I bet you do most of the domestic chores too.

I'd start booking some hobbies of my own on the nights your DSD is at home.

On a practical note, if you decide to stay, could you have one evening a week as a "date night"? If we had one child free evening a week we'd be out most of them!