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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

212 replies

Happywhen · 19/04/2026 21:48

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

OP posts:
TheBlueKoala · 20/04/2026 13:10

It's very humiliating to spend time with someone who has been "forced" to spend time with you. It takes the joy out of it. He seems to consider spending quality time with you as "work". You deserve better than that.

INeedAnotherName · 20/04/2026 13:12

If I’m making an effort on family days etc, I think he could show me some appreciation/desire for quality time together. Because without that what is there? In just caring for his daughter and he gets to live his life

Bingo! Well done on finally figuring it out OP. It's time to move on from this user Flowers

ConverselyAttired · 20/04/2026 13:14

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/04/2026 22:01

If he wanted to, he would.

Yeah.

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

Honestly - ouch. A day with you is not "Something I enjoy" to him.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 20/04/2026 13:15

You know who this guy is, if you stay with him, this problem will come around time and again. You literally are his live in nanny

You don't need to have the responsibilities of being a parent unless you choose to have children.

Don't waste anymore time, free yourself and enjoy being child free.

ZippyPeer · 20/04/2026 13:20

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

You just know he has said to his golf pals 'my partner is stopping me from playing' rather than 'ive realised that I don't have time with all my other priorities '

Fidgety31 · 20/04/2026 13:22

He doesn’t want to spend time with you - that’s obvious - and he’s only doing it now to shut you up .
Does he even like you ? Or just what you do for him ?!! Bet he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t have a child ! He wants the single life .

Don’t waste your own life waiting for this man to change - because he won’t . This is him . You will never be his priority . He will offer you breadcrumbs of a relationship when he senses you might leave . But it’s just to reel you back in.

Elanol · 20/04/2026 13:37

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

Yes, it's forced. I'm so sorry OP xx

He wasn't proactive in prioritising time together. That tells you all you need to know. This won't change. I expect this will be an ongoing struggle where he begrudgingly plays the dutiful boyfriend twelve times a year. If you can even pin him down to that.

Is this enough for you OP?

It's hard to consider ending a relationship when papering over the cracks might do for now. If you can get your one day a month and convince yourself it's sufficient. Just enough to keep hobbling along. Then one day his head is turned at a hobby and you're back here lamenting over the lost years.

Your idea to take a holiday is a good plan. Put some distance between you. Figure out what you really want from life. If he won't give you that then I'm sure there are many men who'd love to x

nomas · 20/04/2026 13:50

If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

Wow so this fucker tells you that you’re not prioritising his daughter if you make your own plans on days she’s there?

OP, seriously, run, he is an utter hypocrite fuck wit.

ohtowinthelottery · 20/04/2026 14:00

I think you're starting to see why he split up with the mother of his child!
He is selfish. Having a child and being in a relationship involves compromise. The only person compromising is you!

Cloverforever · 20/04/2026 14:02

This will wreck your self-esteem in the long run if you carry on putting up with it OP. Been there, done that.

Get out before he gets you pregnant and trapped.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 14:30

So you don’t live together is that right. You said you are there every weekend

so dont be about at weekends - don’t stay over during the week

he will have to look after his child and not do hobbies

Original poster
Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 14:30

So you don’t live together is that right. You said you are there every weekend

so dont be about at weekends - don’t stay over during the week

he will have to look after his child and not do hobbies

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

OP posts:
Woodfiresareamazing · 20/04/2026 14:55

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

Show quote history

OP, I think you should go on that holiday you were tempted to take, and start organising how/when you will leave him.

When you get back, just be less available in the evenings and at weekends, until you can leave.

If he still wants to train, he can get up earlier and do it in the morning. Or just suck it up that he can't do it any more ...

Elanol · 20/04/2026 14:59

nomas · 20/04/2026 13:50

If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

Wow so this fucker tells you that you’re not prioritising his daughter if you make your own plans on days she’s there?

OP, seriously, run, he is an utter hypocrite fuck wit.

Oh I missed that corker. What an absolute twat he is.

OP's going to have to walk away from this because it won't change. He's established a nice little set up where she is the default babysitter who gets shit if she dares to make plans in her own time as a childless adult.

Tontostitis · 20/04/2026 14:59

Runs marathons AND plays golf. Two very very time burgling hobbies. Presumably you're babysitting when dad is there and he's out running. He's being very unreasonable

Tontostitis · 20/04/2026 15:01

Runs marathons AND plays golf. Two very very time burgling hobbies. Presumably you're babysitting when dad is there and he's out running. He's being very unreasonable

Allthesnowallthetime · 20/04/2026 15:13

Our kids are all grown up now. We learned quite early on that we needed to make time for ourselves as a couple, without kids present. Life is busy and it's so important to prioritise the relationship.

I don't think we could have managed a whole day per month ( we didn't have the childcare). There were many years when we could only manage an "at home" date night with a movie, when kids were in bed. We did this once a week.

I think the problem is, your partner doesn't see the relationship as a priority.

nomas · 20/04/2026 15:21

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

Show quote history

Whose house is it?

StopGo · 20/04/2026 15:29

OP it’s rather coarse but you are an unpaid nanny with a fanny. Let that sink in.

HoppityBun · 20/04/2026 15:31

StopGo · 20/04/2026 15:29

OP it’s rather coarse but you are an unpaid nanny with a fanny. Let that sink in.

Well I was getting to say you’re a nanny, but the rest is also true

Pasta4Dinner · 20/04/2026 15:31

What would he say if you suddenly got busy the weekends/nights she stays with you? I bet he wouldn’t be pleased.
hes dismissive as he’s pushed you into the role where it’s your responsibility to look after her. He’s not going to say you’re not.

sunshinestar1986 · 20/04/2026 16:09

One day a month?
That's all you asked for?
Yanbu

JustGiveMeTheNoodles · 20/04/2026 16:13

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/04/2026 22:01

If he wanted to, he would.

This. Now you have to decide what you do with the information that his hobbies are more precious than quality time with you

nam3c4ang3 · 20/04/2026 16:25

Sorry OP- hes just not that into you. I would move on if i were you. He sounds like a fucking child as well cancelling and throwing all his golf toys out of the pram.

whattheysay · 20/04/2026 16:27

He doesn’t want to spend time with you. And when he’s pulled on it he argues making up reasons why he shouldn’t. He had told you he wants to do his hobby on his free day not be with you.
He doesn’t want to spend time with you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t cancelled it at all and is waiting for you to say he doesn’t have to, or there will be some argument and he’ll go off and do it.