AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

DSD mum works shifts and can earn extra on weekends. It used to be 50/50 but this changed around 18 months ago. She finds it difficult to find childcare so wanted it more consistent

Sorry OP but I think you know you’re not being unreasonable and he is. Very. Good luck.

I made a general comment highlighting that this man depends on the op for childcare based on what op said

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

He couldn't do this is if the op wasn't there.

Ditch him and move on. He's happy to have you help play families when his dd is around. It sure is convenient to have a live in babysitter so he can go for a run when he likes. His sulky response about throwing out his clubs tells you all you need to know. You don't matter to him. He won't change. Sorry.

This is not the relationship for you. Get out and find someone who is in a position to prioritise you (someone without children).

If it were a case of, "should my partner by default spend quality time with me every time there's a day he doesn't have his daughter?", it would be too rigid. I could understand the argument that there's other things that might fall on that day.

But the problem here is him undervaluing you in general. If you were spending time as a couple already at different times, fine. But he's treating you as part of the furniture as a free bonus parent and that's not on.

I think you should address the wider relationship problems and not solely focus on the specific idea of the day together.

Long time ago I had an ex boyfriend who never prioritised me. Any time spent with me was spent with other people too. I really resented it. And moved on.

I think you need to move on too.

Time spent with his child doesn't come into it as that's a given when you get into a relationship with a father.

What's left is that he goes out on his own 3 nights a week and you're asking for one day a month to spend together as a couple and he's getting arsey and defensive?

Not a good place to be and I can see why you're miffed OP. I think it's time you were valued.

1 day a month? You’re not asking for much and he’s being twatty about it.

This man sounds like the complete opposite of a good catch. Throw him back.

I'd move on.

His response to you was childish and manipulative. And he clearly is not interested in spending time with you. I'm struggling to see what you get out of the relationship.

Why don't you arrange something to do on the day off and tell him so that he doesn't book golf the same day?

I think you need to ask yourself what it is that you are bringing to the relationship as a whole, and compare that to what he is bringing.
Do you feel you operate as a partnership, or are you the mostly the housekeeper, childminder and bed warmer? It does sound as if he has things all his own way and he is petulant when you challenge this, but only you know the true shape of your relationship. Unfortunately it's not going to help if he only prioritises time with you under duress, not because he actually want to. The question you should be asking is why doesn't he want to in my opinion.

It’s a difficult one because that’s literally the only day he’s got to do something on his own or with his friends.

I think it’s fair that MOST of those child free are spent doing things as a couple but it’s only fair if he sometimes uses those days doing things on his own/with his friends.

How long have you been together?

It’s very difficult being with someone who has kids when you don’t have kids because of things like this.
I have DC but I do not date men with DC under a certain age as I’m done with that stage of life and I enjoy being able to do things without kids.

If the child is young, this problem isn’t going to go away.

He's being entirely honest with you.

how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?

Read that back to yourself. Spending time with you is not what he enjoys.
You're convenient to have around but not enjoyable.
Nice.

You deserve more than being a free nanny/bill sharer/bed companion.

You are a stand-in mum.

And he'd rather be out doing hobbies than spending time with you (or his DD when she's around).

Your role is to play house, babysit his daughter when he wants to go hobbying, warm his bed, help pay the bills.

And when he gets time to himself, not demand he spend it with you.

He is taking you massively for granted, especially since you have raised this as an issue with him.

Arrange your own hobby / event on the evenings he has his daughter and expects to swan off leaving you as childcare.

No way should you be facilitating him like this.

@Happywhen from reading your OP (not updates), I instantly felt he is actually using you as a babysitter. If you didn’t live there how would his hobby’s and training for a marathon be affected?

Just because the little one is in bed, she’s still his responsibility, not yours. Once she’s in bed, he gets to do what he wants and it isn’t time with you. You’re left babysitting. He also has your adult company and to share the load of caring for her whilst she’s awake and then he doesn’t even have the grace to recognise any of this by taking you out / spending time with you on the only free day he has!

If you can easily LTB, then you should. He’s always going to take advantage of you I’m afraid. Go find someone who’ll appreciate you more than being a stand-in parent.

He’s not that into you.

if he wanted to spend time with you he would prioritise it.

Instead he prioritises what he is interested in - his hobbies.

you need to
move on.

Seems to be in addition to the three nights a week he is blowing off spending time parenting.

YANBU. It sounds like he was just looking for a step-mum for his DD to be honest.

"how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

That's really sad and quite telling. Doing something with you isn't something he enjoys. You just slot in to his life as a parent, when his DD isn't there he wants to be off out with other people. I'd be reconsidering the relationship if I was you.

But it’s not the only time he has to do what he wants. OP has clearly said he goes out - to do whatever he wants to do - once the kid is in bed, leaving her at home (to play mum, rather than his partner!).

I’d understand your point if he spent the evenings with OP, but he doesn’t - he runs off doing his hobbies and then he still wants his free day.

He’s clearly having his cake and eating it!

I'd never heard of the term 'nanny with a fanny' until joining MN, but it seems completely appropriate here.

He promised to organise a day for the two of you on his once a month child-free Saturday. Instead he has organised himself a weekend of golf including an overnight stay. And is then sulking because you're upset.

This is not acceptable in a healthy loving relationship, OP.

He is very careful to consistently allocate time out of his busy life to train for a marathon or play golf.

But not to spend time with you.

It's sad, OP, but it sounds like this relationship has run it's course.

💐

I was waiting for someone to say nanny with a fanny

how long have you been together

and yes if you weren’t there he couldnt do his 3 a week trainings

yet cant give you a night

I think it’s awful that he goes off and leaves OP to babysit.
That’s why I’d like to know how long they’ve been together.

I actually haven’t heard of this happening very often at all.
When you don’t have your child FT, then you use the child free days to do your hobbies.
You don’t leave them with your partner.

I understand that sometimes there will be things that he can only do on his child free day like a festival with his friends etc and I don’t think OP should begrudge this but I shop understand why she wants some 1-1 time.

I’m just wondering what OP gets out of this.

As I said, even though I have DCs I wouldn’t be with a man who had young DCs and if I had no DCs I probably wouldn’t be with a man who did.