AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

If he wanted to spend more time with you alone, he would. He'd rather play golf and, in the evenings, train for a marathon while you mind his daughter. I'd be leaving - there has to be more to life than this. To be honest, if I was child-free I wouldn't consider a man with a child. Children cost money, time and effort - all stuff that that wouldn't be lavished on me. I never wanted to play stepmother to somebody else's child when I hoped to have my own. And I certainly wouldn't be doing it for the convenience of the ex-partner either.

My husband adores golf. He knew better though than to play at the weekends. Luckily working for himself he could play midweek. He didn't even think to leave me dealing with the childcare after working all week to fit in a round of golf. And at least they were my children.

@Happywhen
You're not high on his list of priorities.

He sees you as someone who facilities his life, an extra pair of hands on family days out, someone to be at home keeping an eye on his DD while hes out hobbying.

I assume you make a financial contribution to your shared home including the extras required when his DD is with you?

He's got it made, hasn't he?

He lives his life to the full to the detriment of your happiness and you're unreasonable when you want one day a month? Unbelievable!

I'd really have a rethink on your relationship if I were you, it's not going to get better.
❤️

You're the nanny. Even better, a really daft one that doesn't expect to be paid and also helps pay the bills.

Why would he want to hang out with the staff when he has golf to play? He can get a shag at night, no need to waste valuable golf time listening to you chatter.

Throw him out, OP, if he actually liked you he would spend time with you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time.

You need to move out. You’ll find that he’ll prioritise finding another free nanny/housekeeper over dating you. Then you’ll be free to find someone who likes you.

You know how people say that a lot of men just don’t like women very much? That our society is predominantly heterosexual but homosocial - men only admire, are interested in and choose to spend time with other men? Your ‘DP’ is an exemplar.

Definitely time for you to take up hobbies on the nights when the little girl is with her daddy and he needs one-on-one time with her. Look around for gym/dance classes, take Spanish lessons, learn to paint, do an OU course, meet up with the girls every week, too. YOU are the one who is free to go out as you choose, not him. He has no right at all to leave you at home with HIS child. Just wait till tea is over, he does the dishes, while you gather up your books, put on your gym gear and off you go, without a single backward glance. NOT YOUR PROBLEM, OP!!

I can see both sides here… he definitely needs to make an effort to carve out child free time for you. But equally he should be able to spend his one child free day a month doing something he likes sometimes. Playing golf of an evening isn’t quite the same! Could you compromise and alternate months? And then also find a week night a month to set aside for an actual date night?

OP, you’re pumping for oil in a well that’s dried up. He doesn’t want to spend quality time with you, and is making himself out to be the victim.

It’s not about the one weekend day a month it’s about his priorities. He prioritises his hobby/ time away over his dd and you. Which is crap all you are asking is to do something nice that together on your one free day together and have quality time and he’s rejected that. He wants you there as background filler, someone to eat with, go to bed with and hang out as a family rather than being a person he makes time for.
The fact that he arranges his hobbles and asks you or grandparents to babysit is al so concerning, one off events fine but regularly is not on. You need to assume if you intend to have kids with this man that you would be the default parent and he would continue to prioritise his needs over yours and his children. And even if you don’t want/plan children you and his dd are always second choice over his needs /wants.

No Yanbu.
Start making your own plans on the evenings and weekends. He's the one who should be at home when his daughter is in bed, he's the parent. Not you.
Be unavailable for the 'free childcare'.

YANBU. How long have you been together? Has he always left you to be in charge of his daughter while he does his hobbies in the evening and wants to swan off to play golf at weekends?
Agree with others that he sees you as free childcare. What would he do if you weren't available during the evenings to look after his child? Would be make other arrangements then for childcare or would he bin the hobbies? Even worse, would he then want to stop his daughter staying so often?

love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

Sounds like now he has secured the nanny for his dc and someone to share bills and chores with, he has checked out.

Leave him before you have kids with him.

He's using you as a nanny /housekeeper

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

It’s only work if he’s getting paid, OP. Is he an elite athlete, @Happywhen ?

Do you have children of your own? Once you do you will find that couples ‘me time’ never happens. Sad fact of life and a sacrifice most of us are happy to make

OP move out. He only wants you for “family time” he doesn’t want “date time”.

I bet if you end the relationship, he’ll find it possible to reduce his hobby time so he can go on dates. He won’t find the time for one date a month with you.

Throw this one back.

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

Have you asked him what that has to do so with anything, given that he said he was going to plan something involving both of you? What did he say?

Is it normal when you only have your child part of the week, and you're already going out three nights a week leaving someone else to look after her?

To me one thing that stood out in your posts is that your partner goes out after his daughter sleeps - how is that possible? Is it because you babysit for him?
It sounds to me like you are augmenting his life in may ways including providing unpaid childcare to take the edge off being a parent for him & enable him to continue his activities.
But in return it seems your relationship needs are not being met.
If I were you I would be making up every excuse to never be available to babysit. or to cleanly separate from him for a month, maybe to help him understand how unequal this relationship is.
Then go back to the negotiating table if you feel he is worth it.

Why stay with this selfish shit?

The issue isnt so much that he booked one golf break, but that when you reminded him that he’d agreed not to do this, he responded manipulatively. He is sulking and making drama - “I’ll throw my golf cubs away” is supposed to make you retreat and appease. Along with the bad mood.

similarly, it’s not that he might ask you to look after his kid sometimes; it’s that he doesn’t ask and manipulates you into it.

without the manipulation, you could fix this. You’d sit down with a calendar and talk about it.
With the manipulation, your life is going to be shit

Exactly.

I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s a flip side… I made DH promise from the outset that if we had kids I wouldn’t have to give up my hobby, just both of us would scale it back a bit. This works for us; we take it in turns to look after DC while the other goes out for half a day. Occassionally it’s a whole day, and I’ve been overseas a couple of times too.
I guess it’s lucky we share the hobby, so he “gets it” and I support him in return. This goes leave us short of couple time, but at least not resenting giving up something we love. Do you have a hobby? Is there an imbalance / incompatibility there with him having something time consuming that he enjoys?

So what happens on the Sunday ? If it’s the only weekend day child free on a month will she be there on the Sunday and if so how will he be back from his overnight in time ?

You're right, 1 day in 30 is not a lot to ask. The good thing is that you have not yet had kids with this man. If that was on the cards, I would 101% think again as you can already see how parenting with him would go.

Run while you still can