AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

@Happywhen you're a saint to put up with this.
You deserve much better than this selfish user.

"Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said)."

This was the bit that got me. So manipulative. Subtly places OP as the aggressor and he the victim, along with a dark mood that warns the OP not to raise the issue of golf again.
Fuck that noise. Self-serving twat.

God I loathe manipulative people.

He is a selfish man
You don’t get to have hobbies to that degree when you have a child
And a relationship with somebody who is not the child child’s mother
It’s like the old Trinity of pick two
He’s picked his daughter and he’s picked his hobbies
He has not picked you

He’s a selfish prick. Golfers usually are sadly

Sorry to bring this up, but it's going to hurt like hell when he meets "the one" he'll go to any lengths for. Time to be the star of your own life not the stopgap in someone else's.

I think he needs to not be treating you as default childcare on the days his daughter is there @Happywhen regardless of whether you’re happy with that. I think I’d be less available ‘sorry, didn’t I tell you I was going out’. It is not unreasonable to each do your own thing from time to time and you don’t have to be in each other’s pockets but you should be considerate of each other. And there shouldn’t have to be something big in the diary for it to be ‘your time together’. I do think it is fine for you to reserve the time sometimes by marking it but it is also fine for each of you to be doing your own thing.

I would make sure there are some occasions when his DD is about where you go out without them though!

Your housing security and independence should be your utmost priority.
Secure your own property, enjoy the bliss of living in a house free of men and just date the boyfriend. The domestic drudgery isn't enjoyable or life enhancing, you don't have to keep doing it.

How long have you been together and how long have you lived together? How old are you both and how old is his child? Whose house is it? I'm asking because although you say you love being a step-mum, you're not really, you're his partner / girlfriend and you seem to be sacrificing a lot to accommodate him and his ex. He is taking you for granted - you are there on tap to do childcare and getting nothing in return, not even one day a month together. When you try to stand up for yourself, he uses manipulation and control to get you to comply - dark mood and threatening to throw out his gold clubs. I would move out/get him to move out if its your home, and continue the relationship living separately. When you date a man with DC you understand that there will be sacrifices to be made, but you are giving up your life and freedom to accommodate them, while her father lives like a single childless man.

Don't tell him. Just go and leave him high and dry.

As for him describing you as a couple with a child - you're not a couple with a child. You should be correcting that shit every single time he says it. He will then probably accuse you of not loving his daughter/should treat her as your own blah blah to make you feel guilty but that will be to pull you back into line.

You are being used by both of them. You facilitate her mother to take more lucrative shifts and facilitate his single bloke lifestyle while you get nothing. He can't even spend one day with you. I knew straight away he'd try to say that living together and the snippets you see each other was time spent together. This is how little he thinks of you. He doesn't even want to spend time with you.

Please listen to that when he says it - he means it.

I had one of these. If I stayed at his house and he dropped me at work the next morning he counted that hour between getting up and getting to work as a day spent together. He'd use that as an excuse not to see me again for days on end as we'd 'spent two days together already that week'. I don't know why I tolerated that shite. I could go back and shake my younger self some days.

As someone else said, if you (and I hope you do) LTB, I bet he'd find time to date and recruit a replacement.

Start looking for a place to rent on your own or house share near work then.

You can line something else up first then tell him you are going. You could say you are prepared to still date him, but he has to actually want to date you.

What was the reason of the split between him and the mother of his child,? If you know the truth of this then you know why he isn't prioritising you.

But he’s a parent though. That’s where this whole thing falls down. You want a say where he pretends he is not a parent, and it’s just the two of you? That’s not the way it works when kids are involved, or wasn’t for us as I can’t think of a time we ever had where we ditched them for a day to pretend it was just the two of us. We did once go to a wedding in afternoon/evening and had them babysat (no mean feat as some had SN), but we were busy catching up at with everyone at the wedding, but we did spend time there and back together in the car🤷‍♀️.

He's placing his needs over yours. And honestly, you shouldn't have to ask your partner to spend time with you.

I think you're not compatible and if you have kids together, you're going to effectively be a single parent. Listen to your gut here.

Yes, definitely do this!

Your last few lines sums up exactly how he sees it. You’re there to provide free childcare and be his domestic appliance so he can live the life he wants without having to step io as a parent or a partner

He’s a useless selfish twat

"As for him describing you as a couple with a child - you're not a couple with a child. You should be correcting that shit every single time he says it. He will then probably accuse you of not loving his daughter/should treat her as your own blah blah to make you feel guilty but that will be to pull you back into line."

Hard agree with all of this.

Sorry if I've missed this but how old are you OP?

He's a selfish, selfish man who is prioritising his own wants over everything.

You can do so much better.

OP, when I had counselling (over something completely different to this, but context is still the same", my counsellor said one thing that has always stuck with me

"if he wanted to, he would". It really is as simple as that.

He doesn't want to, he has made it quite clear that you come bottom of the list.

You do have a choice, and that is to remain bottom of the list, maybe have DC with him, and basically bring them all up your own because he isn't around, or you can put yourself first and plan a life without him.

He is being extremely selfish, and he thinks that you should be happy with the crumbs of eating together "sometimes" and going to bed together every night. Lucky you, that is the quality time that you get with him.

Manipulation is blaming you for your reaction to their behaviour.

It's healthy to have time apart, hobbies too. But hes not showing you appreciation or commitment if he cant follow through on something he actually said he would do for you as a partner/couple.

Do you look after his daughter whilst he engages in hobbies during the week? What would happen if you also started your own hobbies too? Would he be as supportive of you having the same time to yourself.

I think that is when youd know if he truly believes its equal, or whether hes entitled and you are his unpaid childcare facilitating his lifestyle.

I think long term after the daughter is older, his hobbies will increase and he will spend more time away. And you will be lonely.

This isn't a relationship OP. I wouldn't be surprised to find you do the bulk of caring for his daughter and shoulder the domestic load. A tale as old as time.

His comments about basically seeing you both as a burden is a massive, massive red flag. Don't live like this. Don't chase his time and try to make him care about spending time with you. You don't need that.

He told you he does not enjoy spending time with you or his kid. Surely that's the relationship over?

Have reported OP post. These posts pop up constantly with the usual faux-distress about a relationship which isn't really a relationship but an unpaid nanny situation.

Absolutely.

You shouldn’t have to negotiate about getting to spend more quality time with your partner. They should just want to. If they’d rather spend it with other people then that shows where you are in their priorities. It’s not like he is desperate to be with his daughter as he happily spends time away from her when you or his dad are the nanny.

If he really wanted to spend time with you he’d ask his dad to babysit or arrange with his ex to have their daughter for the occasional weekend. But he doesn’t do that because that wouldn’t facilitate what he really likes doing, which is his hobbies and hanging out with his men friends.