AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

This

Sad but true.

OP, have you somewhere else to live? If you do, maybe go and live in it for a fortnight or so. You are for too convenient for this selfish man, free nanny and probably cook and laundrymaid in exchange for what, precisely? A man who can't prioritise you once a month?

Wow. So you provide him with free childcare. I bet you do the bulk of the housekeeping and housework too? He gets to engage in time consuming hobbies, because you carry that load?

I think he is disrespecting your time. And his reaction borders on gaslighting. He is not putting himself in your shoes and when you have asked for a TINY thing, he has tried to convince you that you are being unreasonable. Has made you question yourself so much you’ve come here asking strangers.

I am seeing a red flag here and I think if you stay with him and have children, this will only get worse.

Of course couples don’t have to spend all their free time together but one day a month to put in effort to spend quality time together is not a big ask.

I think you should find a time consuming hobby outside of the house. You are child free so you can. Don’t pull away from his daughter completely because she will be attached to you and it’s not her fault but definitely start putting your own time first while giving him a very clear boundary.

So when you started dating him, he presumably could find time for you then? What changed? Was it agreeing to take his DD more so his ex could work? Or was it moving in together?

Because you would never have seen each other at all, presumably, if he had his hobbies and DD this much when you first got together. Do you feel as though he did a bit of a 'bait and switch' on you, because that is how it sounds.

As soon as he actually said that he can’t do something he enjoys because he has to be with me (eg that he doesn’t actually enjoy being with me) a line would be crossed for me.

let me guess - you pay half the rent or mortgage and the bills. you are also helping parent his wee one, feeding, cleaning up, entertaining, bath and bedtimes. plus i bet you're the one also looking at whether she's got clean clothes and is wearing the right stuff like wellies if it's wet.

he's got you right where it suits him. paying half the bills - i bet you do more than half of the cooking and cleaning. as well as being an on call nanny for his little girl, and sex on tap when he wants it.

what's in it for you?

The kicker here is it was the first child free day since the argument, he couldn’t even commit to it for one month? Things fall by the wayside, but the fact he wasn’t even motivated to do it at the first opportunity is telling you everything you need to know.

I can’t reply directly to the message that said it, but essentially it was about couples with a child not having time together, and it being a fact of life.

He seems to find time to indulge in a hobby multiple times a week and also pass DSD to his parents if he wants to do something when she’s here.

Im also not a “parent” in the strictest sense am I? Yes, I agreed to get involved with a man with a child, but the initial stages of our relationship still had a priority for me/us. If I’m making an effort on family days etc, I think he could show me some appreciation/desire for quality time together. Because without that what is there? In just caring for his daughter and he gets to live his life

I could stay with family but the commute to work would take ages. I’m thinking of booking a week of annual leave and going away on holiday on my own.

He has no plans to prioritise leisure time with you. He said the words to shut you up, then continued on as was.
It works for him...he gets you to help look after his daughter on the weekends then saves his free time for him. Of course he's going to come up with every tale he can invent to put you off. His list of excuses will always be ready.

I don't know what to advise you in the long term but if I were you, I would start prioritising myself at the weekends. Go out, take up a hobby, see friends, visit places you want to see, whatever.
Stop putting all of your time into his daughter.

Absolutely do this.

Maybe start planning stuff on nights he has his daughter too so he has to stay home and look after her and you arent the default babysitter. Its sounds like hes tsking advantage if you and using you as childcare while he does whatever he pleases. It doesn't sound like an even, respectful relationship.

I think this is one of thosw situations where its worse when the dc isnt yours.

When you have kids you just have way less time! Dh and I have barely any child free time just the two of us, but we regard time with us AND the kids as time together.

Your issue is you probably don't really count the time when his dc is around as quality time

Please do go. Have a wonderful time. It's not the child's fault but her father is a selfish g*t.

Yes. Hobbies are great, aren't they? But it took me shamefully long to realise that my ExDP would rather be in the Rugby Club bar, mildly pissed, at 10pm than with me.

Marathon training AND golf though. He’s going for some sort of ‘how to get out of childcare’ double award! Has he thought about taking up cycling?

Yes, heterosexual but homosocial. Many men are OBSESSED with other men and regard women as sexual and domestic appliances only. That IS mainstream British society.

Have that holiday Op and use the time to think seriously about this relationship. I can see how it benefits him but he doesn't ever want to take time just for you, you're unhappy now, how long before you start to resent him

As much as you want to be a good step mum, should your relationship fail you would not have any rights to see her again and you should bare this in mind when deciding what level of involvement you have with her.

I am quite petty and I would go out every evening she is at your house and leave him to it. Get back too late for him to do his thing. Same with the weekends. Leave him to do everything and don’t involve yourself. ‘Daddy daughter time’ all the way.

Absolutely do not have a baby with this man. If you do want kids you should move on and find someone who isn’t a selfish arse. He really is only thinking of himself.

I think I must be codependent as I’m so shocked so many people think that her DP shouldn’t have to agree to spending that one day per month with OP. There’s no one I’d want to spend my day with more than my DW. So if you we had one child free day a month then I would see it as date day, we’d do something fun together or chill at home together if we need to recharge but I’d see it as our day and my DW would too. I don’t think that one day a month is unreasonable at all.

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

Holy shit OP, it's right there......

He doesn't enjoy spending time with either of you. What a prince.

@Happywhen I don't know why you felt you had to lie out what his priorities should be. Personally I wouldn't want my partner to spend time with me once a month because he felt obliged🤷‍♀️. He doesn't enjoy spending time with you or he would. He prefers spending his free time with other people doing his hobbies. If I were you I would think about what this relationship is giving you. For him it's very convenient to have you around but are you happy to settle for so little?

This. Just this. face it OP, he's not the one for you.

Its sounds like he just wants a free babysitter, probably a cleaner, cook and fuck buddy.

None of those scream I love you and want to spend time with you.

If you have kids of your own, you will be default parent and he will be out "doing his hobbies"

Leave him now