AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

I’m not pretending she doesn’t exist!! He has one weekend day a month where his daughter is with her mother, I’m not forcing that situation, that’s the agreement they’ve made. He naturally has that day free.

Again I’ll say it - I’m not a parent in the sense he is. He decided to have a relationship with someone who isn’t his child’s mother, is it so surprising that they’d expect a day to just be them? It must be different when it’s your shared child, but I’m being placed in a role of being a “mum” and not a partner at all. If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

I hard agree with the you aren’t a couple with a child, he’s a man with a social life and hobbies whilst presumably you have his child so he’s a man who’s got himself a live in nanny. I also agree that if he wanted to, he would. I assume if you left him he’d miraculously find some time to date and woo the next nanny, sorry “partner”.

I would leave him.
I don't have time for people that doesn't have time for me.

I would be absolutely fucking steaming if my daughter was in your shoes
He’s fucked it up with the kids mother who wasn’t prepared to put up with his hobbies, no doubt
And now you’ve been wheeled in to be the replacement, which is not fair on the Daughter and it’s not fair on you but neither of those things bother this misogynistic pig as long as his needs are met.
Go back to your mother’s house
After you’ve had a nice holiday to recuperate from this horrible experience
Hopefully you’ll meet a nice Greek waiter to shag and put the whole thing behind you

"I’m being placed in a role of being a “mum” and not a partner at all. If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?"

There ya go. He doesn't want to parent on his own. That's what you're there for. To prioritise his daughter. You're not allowed out on 'family days'.
Absolute weapon.

But she’s with her mum that day. So they’re not ditching her? Her situation is completely different to you and your OH sharing children 100% of the time, he has had child 50% of the time and she’s asking for day of his child free days to do something together

Haha when he goes to play golf when his daughter's there he's not prioritising HIS OWN daughter OP.

Oh, I forgot . He has a nanny with a fanny to do that for him.

I think this tells you everything you need to know.... He is a selfish prick! It will only get worse..xx

Always this

This is such a weird take - doing something together as a couple is not 'pretending not to be a parent'.

I am both a step-parent and a parent and there is no way I'd still be with my DH if he never made any time to spend with me - especially in the years before I had a child myself, so while I was always understanding re his commitments to his children and happily joined in with days out etc, I still had expectations of some kind of romantic relationship between us, obviously.

Now, we go out without our joint child sometimes, but we're not 'pretending not to be parents', it's just perfectly normal that couples still spend time alone together?? Even if that time is just watching a show/film together after she is in bed.

You cannot do hobbies half the week and then have your child for the other half and also expect someone to be happy to be in a relationship with you. Tbh the 'father' element is actually a bit of a red herring here because he would still have time free if he didn't dedicate so much time to his hobby - he could at least keep one evening free to spend with OP.

What he is offering OP is not enough to sustain a successful relationship. I would not continue down this road with him.

I agree with you

This is not helpful to say at all but I'm spitting so I apologise in advance.
There is just no way I would be putting up with this shit...I wouldn't even get into the position of being available for it in the first place. I don't want to look after anyone else's kid(s). Therefore the man seeking the pseudo mum would have to look elsewhere. I've got my own interests thanks.
I've always felt that way. I have three kids of my own to worry about and I work with kids (and love it) but I would have said the same when I was 20.
It is not for me.

Sorry OP, I'm on your side. You went into it with loving intentions but he's reaping the benefits where you are not. It's not on.

It's one day a month, and he wants to have a relationship with somebody who is not his child's mother.
If he wants that, he needs to put some effort in.
He has plenty of free time, facilitated by OP. She is asking for very little.

I think it's a bit sad tbh that you consider spending time together as a couple as "pretending it's just the two of you." It's healthy for a marriage/relationship, if it can be managed. It's not pretending your kids don't exist 😂

OP I think you have had some really good advice from people who are seeing the context of the situation without the emotions attached. Your partner seems to want to have his cake and eat it. Whilst I'm sure you are fab with his daughter, you don't have children of your own and are totally entitled to want to have some of the benifit of being child free gives, especially when you seem so willing to step into the parenting role in so much of your free time.
I do think this situation is awful, and honestly you deserve more. You are giving so much more than you are getting, and even if it's not done with malice in his part, his inability to quite frankly grow up and prioritise correctly are leaving you feeling undervalued. Unless he has an epiphany, I can't see what will change, because even if he pulls back on his hobbies he will be resentful and that's not going to be sustainable long term either.

I do understand what you are saying @HoppingPavlova- but the OP is not a parent. She isn’t in a relationship with a man who has sole custody for his child. There is regular childfree time, it’s just he doesn’t want to spend it with her.

If you and your dh had regular childfree weekends and he always wanted to be away from you, never choosing to spend that time with you, would it not piss you off/make you question how committed to your relationship he was?

I always shudder at the phrase he wants a
“nanny with a fanny “ but on this occasion I think he does!

This relationship set up works for everyone but you op. I would definitely recommend moving out. This doesn’t need to end your relationship, but if he wants to have a relationship with you, forcing him to have to find time to spend with you that’s not the time after work then hobby before sleep midweek or when he’s got his dd with him, probably will show if he values your company or if you are just the easy option.

He doesn’t have his dd live with him full time so it is perfectly possible for him to date you. He has lots of childfree time, he just uses it for other things.

So you're a live in babysitter,. He's.got tit quite cushty. Of course when the kids not there, he doesn't really need you then does he?

Move out, tell him living together doesn't work and you'll probably get on better in your own house. So he can have quality time with his child.

You're a convenience. It's not going to get better. Unless that's what you want I would move on. If you leave and I hope you do and move on with a life that you love, where you're not a glorified babysitter, you'll probably find that he moves in a replacement fairly quickly, but rather her than you.

What does he bring to your life that you couldn't fairly easily recreate with someone without kids?

And then OP will have the opportunity to say "Is our relationship so fragile that it can't survive if I don't do all your childcare? "

He’s already pretending he’s not a parent, in that he structures his schedule without needing to make sure he’s there for his dc because he has the op for that, but he only wants to do that for golf and marathon training, not for time with the op. While most actual parents (which the op is not) do regularly jump at the chance to ‘pretend they’re not a parent’ for each other, which is to say, to go out together without children.

Glad you have finally seen this

and I get it hard for you

Why report it

mn wont care as such. Its not a danger /safe guarding situation

this situation happens lots

My s because he's not bothering to spend any time with her

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it