AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

[Happywhen]

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

@Happywhen start going out each evening. Anywhere for any length of time. Just to disrupt his schedule where he has to stay put once his kid goes to bed. Who cares if he misses his hobby or training, not your problem, it comes with being a parent.

Once he realises how much he is having to stay in because he has a child, he then may start appreciating what you have actually been giving him - a great deal of help. Once he realises this, he may just feel he owes you ‘that’ day together.

But, you really shouldn’t have to work so hard for him to appreciate you and want to spend time with you. I still suggest LTB. Leave him in the lurch, his self-centred arse deserves it!

I would make my own plans at the weekend when his little girl is there and when hes heading off to the golf say "you can't go to the golf Brian, who will be here to look after Jenny? Ive got plans with the girls".

You are not a glorified babysitter.

So mum gets to work and earn extra cash, your DP gets to train and do other hobbies as much as he likes, all while little old you are left home babysitting their kid once she’s in bed.

Run!

This. I’m sorry OP but at least you can’t complain that he wasn’t honest about how he values his time with you.

you deserve so much more.

Your role is to play house, babysit his daughter when he wants to go hobbying, warm his bed, help pay the bills.

This OP. He doesn't value you as a human being but what you can do for him. It's time to move out and let him actually parent his own child by himself. Find a better life, preferably with people who respect and like you. He doesn't.

The weeknights his daughter is with you, go out, he only gets to train because he has you there to look after her.
Doesn’t sound like there’s any time in the week for you to have a hobby.

OP I also notice that you emphasise in your post that you love being a stepmum, and you're "open to being flamed".

It sounds to me that you're putting pressure on yourself around being a good enough stepmum - ask yourself where that is coming from? your partner? or society's messages about step parenthood? Are you worried you need to be the stepmum your partner wants to keep the relationship?

You are putting yourself way last at the moment and losing sight of what a truly respectful and loving relationship is. You shouldn't have to erase your own needs.

You are a nanny with a fanny.
LTB

I would try to combine hobbies and family life to whatever extent is possible, eg I liked running, so the kids go beside us on bikes while the adults run, or swimming, but we took it in turns to have "breaks" where one adult actually went off to swim properly while the other plays with the kids. Obviously it's dependent on the age/ability and choice of hobby-you can't train seriously with kids, and don't you say his training is his "work"?
But it is obviously extra difficult for you in your situation, and I do think family comes first too.

'im asking for one day a month, im finding it hard to see that as excessive!'

It isn't excessive. It isn't even almost enough and he still doesn't want to. He's saying no to you. Move on.

It’s because there are men like him that the term nanny with a fanny is well used on this forum. He sees you as childcare and a domestic appliance who keeps the bed warm enabling him to do what the fuck he wants when he wants

Hes a selfish prick whose only priority is himself. Everyone else - you and his dd - come second to him doing exactly what he wants.

What do you honestly get out of this relationship?

Good catch!

They probably didn't plan it this way, but it sure works in their favour.

He’s a selfish arse who prioritises himself. Those sentences tell you everything - that he simply doesn’t care about you (and seems to be using you). I would leave.

There is a reason he split from his wife/mother of his child.

I think you should move out for a while. He can plan dates if he wants to see you. The risk is that he realises how useful you were once he has to cut back on his hobbies because you aren’t there to look after his dd, so will say any I love you bullshit to get you back but won’t mean any of it. don’t get sucked in for a second with that pathetic I’ll just throw away my clubs waaaah baby tantrum nonsense. ‘You’re not 5 years old and you know that’s not what I asked of you. It’s on you to plan something if you want to see me, I’m done with the scraps you’ve been handing out while focused on your real priority of yourself. I will be staying somewhere else for a while. If you’d like to plan a date let me know, it has to be a childfree one as you are perfectly capable of doing things child free when they are a priority.

Have you pointed out he couldn’t train for his marathon if you weren’t on the house once his D was asleep?

I would be fuming at golf generally.

Honestly I would move out. He’s all take take take and that to me is just boring if nothing else.

This. He thinks of you as a piece of the furniture of his life / something on his to do list, not someone to cherish and enjoy spending time with. He didn't even want to go out for an anniversary meal with you! This would make me feel so sad

I agree with the 2 posters quoted above.

You should not have to beg or cajole a partner to spend time with you. It’s really bad for your self esteem
when you do that.

He is making plans for time when the DD is around (great), then making plans for his hobbies (running) but when he gets a free day he plans golf - where is the space in his life for you?

I would move on.

The point went right over your head there, didn’t it?

Spectacular example of being deliberately obtuse 🙄.

He doesn't prioritise you at all, not even on your anniversary (how many years have you been together?).

He doesn't respect you - he promised to organise something for the two of you on the next child-free Saturday, then booked an o/n golf trip for himself. Then said it was your fault because you hadn't booked anything so "he didn't think you were doing anything ".

He thinks eating dinner a few nights a week and sleeping together every night should be enough 'together' time for you.

Do you do most if not all of the cooking and cleaning too?
And pay half of everything?
You're not married, so would have no claim on anything when you split up ...

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't even like you very much, let alone love, cherish, and respect you.

I would make my own plan for next weekend- packing up and moving out.

I have been in a similar(ish) position and ultimately it didn’t matter how much I complained about wanting time together. He knows exactly what you’re wanting, he just doesn’t want to do it.

Your options are either leaving or if you’re not ready to do that, start booking things yourself so he has a taste of what it’s like. His daughter is still his responsibility even if she’s in bed, he’s using you as a nanny.

It will all end up being petty and then explode. But if you want to give him a taste of what he doesn’t understand I’d be out doing my ‘work’ training on something (round my mates for a coffee) so he can’t do his ‘work’ training for a marathon if that means you’re babysitting Both him and his ex have an unpaid babysitter with you feeling guilty about potentially not doing it as you like the child.

Trouble is he’ll probably get his Dad to ‘cover’ you and you’ll not get anywhere.

I can’t quite work out if you live together as you say you’re there every weekend but you go to bed together every night. Difficult OP, prioritise your life and have a good think about where it’s not heading. Marriage and a child with him? Errrrr maybe not.

That was exactly what struck me. I don't think I could come back from that comment.

sorry in advance- didn’t mean to reply on this message! Typing on phone agh

I’m wondering what would happen if you stay with him longer term and capitulate, have kids with him if that’s the plan - you can now already see where you will be-and he is already showing you how he will behave- you will be stuck at home with kids carrying the mental load whilst he goes and fulfils his dreams / hobbies as if he was single. A good relationship extends the other person but does he extend you as a person? I suspect not. You will carry a lifetime of resentment if you stay and the loneliness will eventually destroy you. If he really cared about you, your feelings would matter. Sadly, your feelings don’t matter to him. It is better to be on your own and alone with choices than stuck miserable in a lonely relationship. Ask yourself- given how this man shows up for you- do you really want to have time alone with him? What does the time alone with him really mean for you? Write out the answer to that question then read it back to yourself . These are your needs in the relationship. Currently they are going unmet. This will only continue if you stay. I’m sorry because I know it will be hard to go but better now than 10 years down the line.

Oh dear. Sorry but it sounds like he isn’t interested in you or in spending time with you at all - he’s told you so very clearly. He sees you as a domestic appliance. Now you’re glitching and he’s throwing a toddler strop to push ‘Mummy’ back into your box.