Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

Absolutely spot on. The 'oh, your husband leaves his socks on the bedroom floor, so leave the rat' brigade would be on him like a baying mob.

It's mad the amount of "pity he couldn't be bothered to make an effort when he was with you" posts given the woman in question hasn't bothered to make an effort with or without him

It sounds like you expected to thrive without him and instead he’s the one thriving without you. Did you expect your life to look more like the one he has and that he’d be sitting crying over what he had lost? Sounds like you need to work on yourself and what you want rather than resenting him for doing just that.

It's good for your daughter that he's in a good place and so try to see it as a positive. She should be around happy adults who set a good example to her. It might take you longer but im sure you will get there too. Maybe adjusting to becoming a parent has taken its toll?

I honestly do not think that if the genders were reversed here the replies would be half as sweet.

'I broke up with the mother of my child. No real reason like she's an OK lass an' all but she'd got a bit out of shape and it was all boring as feck.
She's since lost weight, seems happy and got a new bloke.
I'm annoyed as hell. I sent her a message that my kid's not to meet this bloke without my say so'

REPLIES:

'You bustard!'

'You sound like a narcissist.'

'Get your own life sorted. Loser!'

Or am I being cynical? 😁

This is so common. If you really think you will treat him better and appreciate him, for your kid's sake you could ask if he'll try again, but don't be surprised if he says no.
Could you train for a new career, or start some new hobbies? How about some volunteer work?

If she was getting on fine, she wouldn't give her ex a second thought, much less make a thread about it.

Christ Alive, she doesn't know why she is unhappy??

We have all told her why!

She is pissed off because her ex has lost weight, gained new interest, is happy and has a new partner and she hasn't.

What exactly will a therapist do that we haven't??

I understand where you are coming from, as I had this happen to. 16 years ago now, but it still really pisses me off when I think about it!

Like you, I blamed myself...but time has taught me to reframe it another way - in that ex H could have done all he did after I left, when we were still together, and it would have benefitted us both. But for some reason - and it wasn't me - he wasn't motivated to. I personally now thinks that it boils down to sheer laziness and selfishness. I'd spent 15 years trying to persuade him to get a car - a point blank refusal every time: 'it will just sit in the drive/insurance/petrol costs too much' etc. Less than 6 months after I'd left he'd bought one and has had a car ever since. I then had to listen to him telling me all the great trips/days out him and his new girlfriend had gone on...

It's hard not to take a 'glow up' personally, if they wouldn't do it when you were with them. I never wanted my ex H to suffer, I just wish he'd been motivated to do it while he were still together...but that's all on him.

It's hard not to take a 'glow up' personally, if they wouldn't do it when you were with them.

Is that true of women who 'glow up' after a break up too?

Mind you, women advise other women to don't to show their ex what a mistake he has made. I can't see the problem if a man decides to do that too.

Or... maybe he's just happier now and so feels more motivated 🤷🏻‍♀️

I left my ex husband, after 20+ years, simply because the marriage had run its course. No abuse etc.

I made my choice and then it was my life to live, as I chose.👍. My ex had his life to live, as he chose.

I made a new life, and had happy years afterwards.

25 years on from all this, my ex is still sitting there whining and playing the victim.🙄

Life is what we make of it. 👍

You wouldn't have been any happier you didn't split up. It doesn't sound like you're less happy, but annoyed it didn't solve everything by leaving him. He's worked on himself and found a new potential gf. This isn't something he's done wrong so don't take it out on him. Work out what is making you unhappy and work on that, in time you may be ready to find a new relationship.

You did him a favour from the sounds of it.

Now do yourself a one and figure out what makes you happy.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be so self-absorbed and narcissistic that after getting rid of a fundamentally decent but boring person from your life you THEN have the f-ng audacity to moan when they do well.

I can understand neutrality but resenting them? Off the frigging charts narcissism.
Sorry it just is.

Nothing will change if you dont make the changes yourself.

Find some new hobbies, try new things... This is probably what he has done.

I'm sure she's wouldn't but would you not even feel a tiny pang of annoyance in OP's situation? Come on, we're all human.

If the minute you are gone, a woman does the 'glow up', showing there was nothing stopping them from doing it during the marriage, then yes, it's true for them too.

My ex H has admitted that he 'grew up' after I left - stopped being so selfish, so self-absorbed, became a better partner. He says me leaving gave him the kick up the arse he needed. He was 40 when I left.

@Starbanger you coming back?

That’s not being human, that’s being a shitty human, she binned him, he didn’t do anything wrong. Wanting him to suffer after is as shitty as it gets.

That, thankfully, isn’t a universal trait of ‘being human’. The man did nothing wrong, why his doing well be a source of annoyance?

I’ve never wished my exes badly, or compared my life post-split to theirs. TBH I don’t actually think of them at all.

I would not feel good about my ex doing bad or "worse" by any measure. And I don't even have a child with her. If I did, then it's even more of a reason not to. I would want the other parent to thrive and be happy, even if we strictly focus on the kid we'd share, for their sake. Nobody's a saint, we all go 'finally' at the office moron when he/she finally gets busted for being sneaky, and we all laughed at videos of puppies tripping or some unfortunate person breaking the sink mid-renovation. But , come on, as pp has said, feeling better when someone else (especially the other parent of our kid) is doing worse is just shitty.

'I don’t actually think of them at all'. Sure.

Mate you’ve got some issues.

Believe it or not, not everyone thinks like you apparently do.

I may have completely interpreted OP wrong, but I imagine she doesn't want her ex to actually suffer? More that she got unpleasant feelings (which she admitted were unreasonable) on seeing him doing so well.

Humans have horrible, jealous, unreasonable, petty, spiteful feelings or fleeting thoughts all the time. It's about reflecting on them and not acting on them (or delighting in them).