Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

Sometimes it's needed, but I believe sometimes folks have no faith in their own competency, so need someone to 'instruct' them.
And... sometimes we hate taking responsibility for our mess/stagnation, so go searching for other reasons things aren't working out.

Yeah at least you need feel no guilt for leaving him op: look on the bright side of that.

This is so well expressed, was going to draft something but each effort was a bit brutal.

The issue is that you were both unhappy together and he is no longer unhappy now he is alone, but you (OP) are. It sounds as though he stood by and tried to be there for you but just wasn’t enough because the problem is inside you. That he was flat, gained weight etc and has shed all of that on becoming single indicates a toxic dynamic that was equally destroying him. On many levels you set him free - but you now need to explore what is eating you. Whether that is low self esteem, postpartum depression that you never addressed, baggage from your childhood that means navigating functional relationships does not come naturally - none of us can know. But you probably do, deep down.

I really would suggest that you consider counselling, join a women’s social group or do some online self-help courses to help change your perspective and make plans for a new future.

You will never be happy if you look to other people to complete you and you can never make anyone else happy if you do not feel complete in yourself.

Sounds like you were both unhappy in your marriage just he didn't realise it. You split for a reason and it's easy to look back and minimise those reasons. in any case, it's done now. When my exh left me for someone else I spent a long time (about 18 months) wanting Karma to it him, and it never did, seemed to be living his best life with his new partner replacing me. Eventually I realised i was only hurting myself, came off social media, got therapy (yes therapy was very helpful for me, if dont know how to help yourself) and focused on rebuilding my life. You have a choice, you continue to beat yourself up about things you can't change, getting more depressed and bitter (and it may be your are depressed, so again therapy and GP may be helpful) or you can concentrate on the things you can change.

No. The comments were about him and how he may have felt about himself and the effect it may have had on the relationship. The only person that's referred to OP being attracted or not to her ex fat or not, is you.

oh my god seriously? the man is visibly doing better and the woman is bitter about it, is stuck being unreasonable and jealous. do some of you really find it impossible to believe it this way? it is suspicious because an ex husband would be more believable to be in the wrong. jesus wept. because men are known to overthink and spend their time pondering what their exes are doing, you are right. my word.

Yeah I thought there was a bit of shark jumping going on there too.

Often one person comes out of the relationship better than the other and it is very often the man.

I don’t really agree with the OP being called bitter though she is experiencing jealousy which is just an emotion that same as all emotions will pass if she allows it to guide her to improving her own situation.

I think sometimes we feel this way because we didn’t necessarily want to end the relationship, we wanted the other person to change, but they didn’t/wouldn’t. Then when they do change after the relationship ends, you feel angry and resentful that they couldn’t do that for you but have been able to do it for themselves. Is the reality here that if your husband had made those change during the relationship, you may still be together? If so I can see how that would be difficult to deal with but sadly what’s done is done and you need to find a way to make peace with it. I really would recommend some therapy.

One thing I had found helpful with my ex is we went through counselling together. Too late for you of course but the thing I found helpful about it is before I instigated the split, I'd gone through some serious mental health problems. Really bad stuff linked to PTSD I didn't know I'd had since being the victim of a serious crime in my early 20s. He admitted in therapy that he'd contemplated leaving me in the middle of all that.

I didn't hate him for it. I understood if I'm honest. It was a hard time. But it also meant I felt less guilt. He'd seriously contemplated leaving me at my lowest point, so I shouldn't feel guilty that I'd felt our marriage was based upon very weak foundations. We'd both been responsible for that and it hadn't worked.

So while some people are saying "the OP doesn't need therapy" of course, they're 100% right. Unless you have a diagnosed mental health problem, you don't need therapy. But I think anyone can find support and different ways of thinking about things through therapy. Much as I think CBT is overrated, this is where it can come into its own in terms of the twisted cognition patterns it's easy to get into. So while the OP might not need therapy at all, it might still be helpful to overcome the thought patterns that lead to jealousy, rumination etc. As long term they're emotions which will impact wellbeing.

It's very often the man because the woman is often left with near sole custody of the child whilst he lives like a single man with no responsibilities.

The OP has said their arrangement is 50/50 so they have equal time, equal responsibility and equal opportunity to make changes to their lives.

There is little point in arguing over imagined minutiae given that the OP hasn't returned.

OP thought ending her marriage would improve her life. It didn't, but it improved her ex's life. She's stuck, for whatever reason, her life was meh, she took action, but her life is still meh.

Maybe she understands why she's stuck with meh. It sounds like things changed when she became a mom, so maybe low grade depression that's become her norm, stress, whatever. But if she doesn't know why she's stuck, some therapy could help her unpick that and deal with the resentment she's feeling about her ex thriving and moving on.

Something's keeping her from making the same kind of positive changes he has and that's worth exploring.

Why?

Its hard not to compare but you definitely need to focus on improving your life and making yourself happy. Redecorating, finding or engaging with hobbies, spending time with friends or trying to make some new ones etc.

Life with children is hard, OP. It feels relentless and I think most relationships suffer as a result of exhaustion and routine. It's only now our DC are a lot older that DH and I have anything near a semblance of a decent marriage. You took a path that you thought would solve your happiness but it hasn't. And that's OK. What you need to do is take stock, acknowledge what your ex has done to move on and follow a blueprint for you. At least he's not a deadbeat Dad and living in squalor like many end up doing. He's a good role model for your DC and now you need to be one too.

We all need to make our own sunshine.

It sounds that you did him a huge favour breaking up because you were unhappy with the situation and now you are jealous that he's made a better life for himself without your negative attitude. Good luck to him, follow his example and sort your own life out.

If it’s not a reverse, you need a therapy.

My therapist massively encouraged me to work on myself and not seek the happiness from my husband. That’s the main thing - so now enter into that relationship with yourself. Love and nurture yourself.

This reminds me of a good friend of ours.

His wife dumped him, saying she wasn’t happy, and he was devastated. He slept 1 hour a night for a year, and his self esteem was in tatters. His ex went to and fro with him a few times, always dropping him.

In the end he turned his life around, then met someone new who he was really happy with and even told me he was glad he was dumped as he’d never have met his second wife.

I’m not trying to rub salt in your wounds, but you dumped him. He probably went through a really tough time. You should be glad he’s thriving as you no longer need to concern yourself about him.

You need to find your own happiness rather than trying to spoil his newfound one.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Work on yourself. Ignore what he's doing.

Honestly I was actually thinking it was more often the man because very often men leave one relationship for another so the partner left behind has to deal with the betrayal trauma and as you say the day to day practicalities as well.

But thankfully the OP is at least not dealing with that.

Perhaps though she lacks confidence in making her new life and the sense of self to figure out what she will really enjoy doing. All of that is very easily developed given a bit of practice and making mistakes and making changes and training herself to focus on the nice life she is building.

Sometimes that process can be hurried along with a bit of therapy to figure this stuff out and to deal with the emotions the split has brought up such as the jealousy.

Reminds me of the song by The Beautiful South "A Little Time".

You sound like the ex from hell sorry to say OP. You can't leave someone and then get arsey when they find a new partner, nor can you dictate when and if he introduces your shared daughter to a new partner.

This almost reads like ragebait you're so unreasonable.

Poor man. You shoved him out the door, now you want to control his new independent private life. Are you going to be ever satisfied? May be you just don't like men

what is the word for manhating? There should be new rule on mumsnet and the official definition given to us

You say ‘single’ and then ‘not married’- do you think you want love or a relationship? Because I’d just caution you to not leap because you want to have what you and your dh had, but with lust and love in there too, you need to start being happy first