Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

You can try life coaching or therapy to make a plan to thrive

This thread is classic MN - can you imagine if a man were to leave his wife because he was bored and then get upset when she levelled up her life? 😅 He'd be called every expletive under the sun and rightly so.

There are many reasons to leave a relationship - abuse, adultery, resentment, disrespect, lack of trust, incompatibility etc.- but the MN egging on of women who are considering leaving perfectly decent husbands who are a bit 'boring' is hypocritical at best and destructive at worst.

Because let's be honest. Society is not kind to middle-aged women and single mothers. This dream that they're sold of meeting these dashing exciting strangers is stupid and unrealistic and no matter who he is, every relationship hits a boring phase. Leaving for that reason solely is not the answer and you owe it to your relationship to at least try if nothing else is wrong.

Plus sadly, society does not judge middle-aged men the same way and they are usually the ones who come out of these situations better.

The grass is hardly every greener and sadly some people blow up their whole lives to learn that lesson.

This is one of the most sensible things I've read here.

I guess I can see it from the other side here.
An ex-boyfriend broke up with me as he was bored. He admitted I'd not done anything wrong as such.
He kept in contact. I stupidly thought it was because he still liked me.
Obviously not as he'd be trying to make it work if he was.
I see now I was just a back-up plan and source of validation for him.
So these phone calls were just him breadcrumbing me. Keeping me on the hook.

I meet a new man and start dating him.
I tell ex during one of our phone calls.
His demeanour changes.
Really mean about it all. Really not the reaction I was expecting.
It was if somebody had started playing with a toy he'd put on a shelf but didn't want to play with anymore.
Still his possession, though.

This is typical narcissistic behaviour.
The normal reaction would to be relieved that any guilt they felt about breaking up was now gone as the person had moved on or simply not be bothered at all.

Agreed. It's one thing to leave your partner because you feel you would be happier single (and even then, you need to weigh up the fact that parental separation essentially throws a grenade into a child's life). But leaving your child's father to chase the kind of romance and excitement that you enjoyed as a childless woman in her early twenties is naive at best, delusional at worst.

How many gorgeous, exciting, charming men are going to turn down young, free, single women to date a middle-aged mum, and organise their schedules, homes and finances around another man's child(ren)? There's a reason cocklodgers are a thing - a lot of single mums end up lowering their standards.

And even if a single mum woman does find a wonderful man, the honeymoon period will eventually end, just as it did with her child's father - except now her child will probably be part of two blended families, shunted between homes, never feeling that they really belong in either.

@ZoeCM has put this perfectly, I couldn’t agree more

It's hard to see someone make that kind of effort outside the relationship but wouldn't or couldn't make that change for you, I get that. However all the things he has done are things YOU can do also. Such as get fit, get hobbies, make friends, renovate your house or sell and move. Travel. You have 50% more free time now that you did before. So, it's up to you to do it. It sounds like you wanted him to change but he didn't and only did when you separated. Yeah that sucks. But bitterness hollows you out. Let him go and enjoy your own life. Get on dating apps and start seeing people.

I don’t think her irritation is he didn’t do it when married, I think her irritation is exactly what she said, he’s thriving, looks great, got a girlfriend, enjoying life, and she’s not.

Good for him. Hes a great role model for his daughter...now you do the same....

In all honesty, if you have a problem with someone else doing well, that is your problem. It is in your head. Other than it being a pretty shitty trait, it is not the ex-husband's problem. And instead of jumping a few steps and pondering why he couldn't do this kind of change while he was in the marriage, it's like asking why the ex wife couldn't just be happy - completely pointless.

Therapy can be immensely helpful for people. Thankfully we don’t live in the dark ages anymore and we know that there is strong evidence to support that talking things through with somebody not connected to your life, can have a hugely positive impact on your well being. The fact you’ve written your disbelief at this very valid suggestion multiple times on the same thread is really quite sad and unhelpful. But I guess you keep doing you.

It wasn't any of your business to message your ex and make assumptions either.. instead of looking at how well he is doing why not start making moves to do the same. You ended it he has quite rightly moved on and is doing well. You thought you would be happier tho doesn't exactly sound like it is so you need to step out and do things to turn your life around to

Comparison is the thief of joy. My ex was similar - when we split, suddenly he was sociable, out and about, doing activities, hobbies etc.... All the things he never did with me! He was a lazy slug with me. It was a bitter pill to swallow at the time but honestly, you have to let it go. Focus on you and creating the new life for yourself. Things will fall into place.