Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

You know you’re being unreasonable and you are acting extremely poorly. Good for him for moving on. You have no right to dictate his behaviour and you risk ruining your co-parenting relationship with your bitterness. Just stop.

You need to get a mindset of being happy for him, his happiness will benefit your daughter.
Separately focus on your own happiness. What do you do when you don’t have your daughter, try some hobbies, online dating etc. Try work out what you think is missing and how to address it.

My ex was rubbish, drink all the time, abusive, no sense of responsibility to me and our son, barely looked after him. We never lived together he stayed living with his mum the whole time. Then told me his mum didn't want me at his house and he went along with it.

Me and my son ended up homeless and he wouldn't give us a place to stay or rent a place with us. It was at this point that I realized he didn't really love us, and let him go. It's been a few years and I've just found out he's having a baby and is looking for a house for them.

It does just feel insulting and horrible that he couldn't do that for us all those years but he can do it with his new family. I also feel jealous that ye gets a second chance at a family while I'm still single.

You can thrive too. Or you can choose not to.

Shake your life up, do new things, place yourself outside ur comfort zone, challenge yourself to do something very different.

It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing, he’s accepted the change and made it work for him. Now you need to do the same. Plan some events, do hobbies and build your life back up. If you can’t maybe you need some counselling to help you understand why you are in this funk. And when you are in a better place you can start to look at dating too if you want to.

Why is therapy the answer to everything?

She doesn't need therapy, she has a choice, stay the same or make the change - there saved her thousands!

Sounds like a “you” issue that you need to solve. Therapy would be a great start.

Therapy again - what is the fascination with therapy?

Because it helps people work through things that are holding them back in life or causing them to act a certain way and they may not realise.
Having a professional help you work through things that have happened in your life and make you understand why you feel a certain way is extremely helpful.
Talking about things isn’t a bad thing.

Could it be that you are naturally a glass half empty type of person and he is glass half full? It seems he has done the best of a situation he didn't choose whereas you chose it but haven't worked at improving your life. I don't think you'd be any happier if you were still with him, nor do I think you'd be any happier if he was doing badly. The issue is within you, not with him.

Besides parenting and work, do you have anything in place that focuses on you?

Because sometimes we need a professional and outside opinion to help us see what’s actually going on for a person and to help them see why they act and feel a certain way.

Its better than going through life with your head in the sand ignoring your feelings and not dealing with past trauma or experiences.

Or OP could just use the time she has available to sort her life out and make the changes, the fact she hasn't done so means she doesn't have the motivation to do so .

Drag things out for a few more years more like it

I’m sorry you’re not doing so well but honestly it does sound like you did the right thing for you both. So he couldn’t start taking better care of himself or get a social life for you but I’d hazard a guess that he’s doing it now to improve his chances of finding another partner. And in all likelihood once they settle down he’ll stop taking care of himself and he’ll stop going to gigs and he’ll be the same unmotivated person again. I of course hope this isn’t true but I have seen this pattern play out loads.

Try to focus less on him and more on you. What do you need? What would feel like a life that was more you or more fulfilling? The changes might be slow but you can make stuff happen.

It says 50/50 in the OP, and that he does his fair share of parenting.

he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

This is really unkind. Maybe he took the person he loved enough to have a child with, ending things pretty hard, but maybe he has a more proactive positive outlook on life and decided to utilise that as a push to make changes to make himself happier in a way OP hasn't. How can it still be his fault his life is good and OP isn't happy when she left him 3 years ago?

OP you need to take charge of your own life and your own happiness and until you do your life will continue the way it has.

Is this a reverse?

yes, I spotted that and acknowledged it in my very next post (after the one you’ve quoted)

Maybe he wasn’t the issue after all if your still stuck doing the same things and made no effort to change or do positive things.

Agree. Most people don't need to scratch over old wounds looking for explanations and understanding and can instead put one foot in front of another and try new things.
All that money that would be spent on therapy can instead be put into city breaks, hobbies, going to the gym, meals with friends etc.
Before you know it you're a happier person with a bigger life who has figured out what you like and need and the money has been spent on doing it rather than talking about it.

Op, you have shown a lot of self reflection in noticing that the problem was not your husband and it sounds like with the changes he made and the new distance between you he now looks to you like good partner material again. You worked this out on your own and did not need to pay for therapy too get there. You sound wistful, but not resentful as some have suggested.

You've worked out you need to work on yourself to get yourself to a place in life that feels less......humdrum.
It is great that he is a good man and a good father. This gives you time away from your child that is worry free when you can work out what you can do to enjoy life more.

Great post! I like this outlook!

Focus on you now. The decision was made and he has moved on. Have a think about aspirations and hopes for your life and slowly take first steps.

maybe write some options down, that always helps me.

You've got a nasty attack of 'dog in the manger' right now. But you have all the rest of your life to become what you are admiring in your ex. Parenting is hard and can be drudgery and lead to feeling 'stuck', but on those days when you don't have your DD, try to do some things just for you. It's tempting to spend the time doing housework and slobbing around and calling it 'resting', but if you just start to push yourself a tiny little bit - take up a new hobby, join a group, do something that you can only enjoy by yourself - it will become easier.