Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

The hell you doing laughing at puppies tripping up?
That's too far.

Ok-ok, agreed. Just wanted to say something random. That, or I am just simply the worst.

I think that some people think they still own you in some way even you do nothing really wrong - apart from bore them - and they end it.

It's common in narcissists, they don't end it in their mind, they just shelve you for a later date. You're not a human with your own needs and desires, you're a shelved possession and they get pissed off when somebody else takes you off the shelf.

I’m not seeing reflection from OP, but rather annoyance that it hasn’t gone the way she thought it would. As if the break up was a competition she feels cheated out of winning.

People vary in what they’re inclined towards, to a greater or lesser degree. Either through circumstance or genetic lottery I really don’t ’get‘ jealousy and/or envy (I can for sure be spiteful and vengeful, however). If I feel like I’m lacking something in life then how would resenting someone that has it make my circumstances better? It wouldn’t.

No I don’t ger jealousy or envy and I thought that was the norm. That just a small number of unfortunate people got it. And it was a sign something was wrong in their lives and they were unhappy people.

ive now realised that as much as the latter is true, the former is not, its quite common I think. There are a lot of unhappy angry bitter people out there.

Thats a very good way of describing it.

In my late 20s I got dumped by my girlfriend and was pretty cut up about it for a while. My ex and I had a semi shared social circle so I would see her every so often with her new bloke. I had suspected there had been an overlap but had zero evidence for an affair which I admit stung at the time and I tried to be the 'better man' as she simpered around me with faux friendliness. To help take my mind off things I took up rowing and within six months I was immersed in a new social circle and bloody fit. Fast forward another year and I had qualified for Henley regatta, was dating a fellow club member from the women's squad and enjoying my new life. My ex for some reason did not like this and the over the top friendliness soon evaporated and instead got barbed comments about my new girlfriend not being my type and what did I see in her etc. She was still with her bloke but seemed weirdly invested in my private life years later.

Well at least you now know the source of your unhappiness was you and not the marriage/your ex.

So the next step is to focus on you and start living a bit more. Try something new. Make some new friends. Cut your hair, sell all your clothes and buy a new wardrobe. Take up sports.

You won't be happy with anyone else unless you're happy with yourself.

Glad it helped! We are all allowed to reflect, feel sad for a bit, and then get a renewed sense of purpose from having had that reflection. Really hope that your spur takes you to great heights!

If I feel like I’m lacking something in life then how would resenting someone that has it make my circumstances better? It wouldn’t. Some people are more emotional and can't be all that logical about it 🤷‍♀️ Some people instinctively feel things that there is little rational explanation for. There's probably a big emotional scale / range for "normal" and I think feeling jealous and resentful of an ex is not exactly pathological or 'narcissistic'.

I know some people are less jealous etc than others but being resentful towards exes (even good exes) is hardly uncommon.

People feel what they feel. I'm sure all the people who claim to never think about their exes, and only ever wish their exes well probably have other, different, unsavoury thoughts from time to time. I don't think OP is going to hurt anyone with her unkind thoughts, although I do agree she should try to move on in a more positive way.

The friendliness was to keep you invested should she change her mind.
I applaud you for getting on with your life.

thats very mumsnet basically

It's already gone beyond unkind thoughts, though. OP admits she angrily texted him to accuse him of introducing his new girlfriend to their daughter. From what she's posted, no one even said he'd introduced the daughter; the OP was just angry that he'd found someone new and was using faux "concern" for her daughter as a weapon. Again, if the roles were reversed, MN would call him an arsehole for questioning her parenting like that.

It may not be pathological or narcissistic, but it’s an unpleasant trait, and it can indeed be a harmful one. OP is apparently hurting herself, and because she feels as she does she’s lashed out at her ex for doing something he’s not actually even done.

Someone may not be able to help how they feel, but they don’t have to be a slave to those emotions.

True, think it depends how transient these thoughts and the one off impulsive text are. I guess we won't know because OP is unlikely to come back.

I see it as a bit controlling, she thinks she’s in charge of what he’s allowed to do, he has to ask her permission.

he doesn’t, she needs to accept that. Either to have a relationship or introduce that person to their daughter,

but thr angry text to me reads like she thinks she’s should be in charge of him, he should still be pining after her, and know she calls the shots.

the fact he was so reasonable says he’s got the measure of her and doesn’t care any more, he’s jist trying to keep it amicable but making it clear, if he introduces someone, he will decide, and she’s on inform only basis, not seek permission,

Faux concern or impulsive? I don't know. Maybe. Given what male jealousy can be like (e.g. stalking and revenge crimes being much, much more likely to be committed by men), I think if sexes were reversed, you're right that it might hit differently. I like to think that all else being equal, if the roles were reversed and it was kept to unkind thoughts plus one slightly angry incorrect-high-horse text it would just be seen as a hurting person with uncharitable thoughts.

There's another thread about the worst things people have done which might be eye opening to some posters on this thread.

I'm shocked by all the unsympathetic and harsh comments. The OPs reaction is completely normal - surely we are not all saints who wish our exes well with their new relationships? Why didn't they lose weight for us?

I have no doubt my DH would do the same if we split- all that spare time half the week to exercise. And generally single people tend to make a bit more effort than those in long relationships.

Hopefully you can take his success as prod up the backside to pursue your own- you also have half the week to work, exercise and date and/or socialise. Could you pick one thing to start with- a hobby, weight loss, hair/teeth, and start there as a road to improving your self esteem?

Faux concern or impulsive?

Probably both, surely? The OP probably sent the text impulsively, but it also sounds as though she was faking concern for their daughter to guilt-trip her ex when really she was just jealous.

Given what male jealousy can be like (e.g. stalking and revenge crimes being much, much more likely to be committed by men), I think if sexes were reversed, you're right that it might hit differently. I like to think that all else being equal, if the roles were reversed and it was kept to unkind thoughts plus one slightly angry incorrect-high-horse text it would just be seen as a hurting person with uncharitable thoughts.

I really don't think so. I strongly suspect the ex would have been accused of trying to coercively control the OP by now.

I've been in relationships where I've been badly treated and hurt, and in those ones I do maybe not want the best for that person. I've also been in situations like OP describes where he's done nothing wrong and I'm just not feeling it. Surely you would always want to see that person doing well, even just to assauge your guilt? I'm not fully understanding why it would feel good to dump someone, break their heart and then see them miserable for ever after?

surely we are not all saints who wish our exes well with their new relationships? Why didn't they lose weight for us?

Might just be me, but I don't find the idea of losing weight to keep your partner happy particularly healthy. Lose weight for your own health and happiness, not to stop your partner from leaving.

My husband would thrive without me, I am sure. I would not. Some people are better single, like him. I need a partner to thrive. We make it work.

You can’t compare your progress with his. Two different people. He might possibly get back into a relationship and struggle again. You might process your divorce in your own time and end up in a more fulfilling relationship because you took the time you needed to figure it all out and understand the type of relationship that suits you.

Take all the time you need and don’t let his possibly superficial success rush you.

This is nothing to do with feeling jealous of exes who broke up with us, nor slobs who we were forced to get rid of who then improved.

What this is about is a fundamentally decent man who got chucked by a woman who was bored with him.

Anything else is whataboutery and I maintain that it is deeply narcissistic to be jealous in these circumstances.
If anything there should be guilt or just neutrality.

This guy needs to watch his back- coercive control charge ahead is possible here. Or worse...

The OP can think anything they like about the ex all good or all bad or anything else, the OP has no right to lecture them though there is a difference

and should't people lose weight for themselves not other people?

Yes op is just coming across as bitter. Ex handled the nasty text well. I expect op thought she’d be batting off men when her life is still boring drudgery as she hasn’t done nanny to change it.

Yes.
All the advice about attempting to glow up herself is good but for the wrong reason.

It's good as it may improve her chances of getting a more 'exciting' man, because in all honesty, her getting a better guy than the poor sod who's now experiencing her wrath is the only way she'll stop haranguing him.

The notion that she'll glow up and get to the point where she'll be happily self-sufficient is noble but naive in her circumstance.

I do actually know of a work colleague similar to her.
Spend a lot of time oversharing about how her dh was nice but just really so boring. Had a few affairs with other married men whilst at work.
One of the wives had given birth a few weeks earlier. Nice

She got rid, he meets new woman. Tells her. Bam a couple of days later this guy's facing accusations of coercive control.

And no I'm not being sexist here- this sort of narcissistic behaviour is in both sexes.
It's an equal opportunity offender.