Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

Okay. You’ve figured out that you’re not happy. Your ex husband couldn’t make you happy when you were married, so he wasn’t the magic bullet, now is the time to try and figure out what needs to change to find you again. Is there anything short term that you could do to give yourself a lift? If I was trying to figure out how to make a change I’d look at my job, my social life, my health/diet, my hobbies.

You are unhappy about something and need to make some changes to your own life to also thrive. You said there was no issues in your marriage really and that housemates stage does happen with young kids but its important to.power through and find not only each other again but also yourself. It reads like you thought splitting up would help you find youself but it hasnt.

Do you look after youself? Have hobbies and friends? Are you seeking a new challenge at work etc? Your only going to live the life you want if you actively go out and get it.

And seperately...why did you send that message about the "girlfriend" when you didnt know if he has introduced to your dd or not?

God that must be hard. Are you in therapy? I think that's the first step.

"The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split."
I don't want to be rude, you did admit at the end that you are unreasonable, but to even say that raised alarm bells or red flags, or what have you. Would it make you feel better if he was also stuck being miserable? That is a pretty negative human trait, something I would urge you to work on.. As a matter of fact, it would probably go with working on yourself as a whole. Instead of focussing outward, ex-husband, etc, focus inwards, find the motivation to do better, to be happy. Spending your time pondering why your ex is not miserable is just... well, not a healthy way to live. I know it must rub you the wrong way that seemingly he is better off without you, but you just have to accept that, and focus on yourself. If you are not in therapy, please consider...
I wish you good luck and more happiness in the future...truly do.

Would you be happier if he was miserable OP? In a shitty flat that your daughter visited? Fat as fuck and crying every night about his shit life? Sounds like he has made the most of the split and it’s time you did too. It’s what you wanted and it’s only you that can change things.

It sounds like a bitter pill for you to swallow OP.

But he's improved his life, now it's time for you to concentrate on improving yours.

And try not to have a go at him when he's done nothing wrong, as this will eventually affect your co-parenting relationship and therefore your child.

There’s no reason you can’t do all those things too. You need to figure out what will make you happy. You don’t have to change jobs (unless you hate it) but what else can you focus on to make your life more positive.

How old is your DD now? Those early days, up until 5 for me, are tough. You can lose yourself. Actually now I think of it only today I saw a meme (so scientific stuff ) talking how it’s like 6 months something, 2 years physical, and 5 years mentally to rediscover yourself, ok I know that sounds a bit naff but I understand the premise. Motherhood is huge, it’s an adjustment, it physically and mentally changes you. That’s not always easy. How are you at prioritising yourself? When you compare to your ex, is it because you regret the break up, or is it simply that he is your ‘competitor’ as the parent who went through it (differently!) same time as you?

He took the split as a reason to kick his life into gear - he had to. He had been dumped not through anything he had done and he could sink or swim. He chose to swim. And it's very good news for your DC that he did and has built a good life so that when they visit it's to a happy dad who has a lot going for him.

It's natural to feel envious, but now you need to use that energy to build a spur for yourself to kick into higher gear. Being dumped did it for him and maybe seeing him improve could be your spur? You want to do better and attain more. Feel better, look better, be happier.

All of this is within your reach, it honestly is. Start with what is nagging at you the most and work from there, build a plan. If he can do this in three years, then there is no reason that you cannot do the same. I always have this conversation with friends that if we knew things would be AMAZING in a year we would put up with any amount of crap in the meantime. The fact is, none of us know, but we have to act as if we are working towards a better future.

So tell us your steps and let us help. And most importantly, don't look backwards, you've done enough of that, look forwards now, always.

How old is your DD? Because I think advice will differ wildly if she’s a 3 year old vs if she’s a ten year old.

Fundamentally though, It doesn’t sound like splitting up from your husband was the wrong thing to do. You don’t sound like you regret it or you are have realised you are still in love with him and this is all a big mistake. This was probably always going to be the outcome.

However, I suspect your relationship wasn’t the main cause of your unhappiness - you alluded to that yourself. The transition to motherhood is really hard and it can cause depression in quite a lot of women. That’s kind of the vibe of what I’m getting from your post to be honest, someone who has lost themselves more so than anything. It’s not that ‘the problem is all me’ as you put it, but it seems to be you that’s the only thing stopping you from having a life like your exDH?

OP, I spent too many years letting my (seemingly) thriving, cheating scumbag of an ex define me snd the direction of my life. Could not get my head round it. Spent 4 days in a hot, beautiful, European city last summer, ate good food, spoke to no one other than hotel reception, waiters and taxi drivers, stayed in a gorgeous air conditioned room, slept well and just allowed my mind to wander.

I can't explain it beyond that but I returned, started on a cocktail of vitamins, ordered miunjaro, joined a gym. I went back to work a new person. Got a promotion straight away. Booked multiple holidays, one to a dream destination I spent time in 30 years ago, solicited support from friends, asked people I don't normally socialise with but get on with to dinner, and have built a better social life as a result.

My calendar is full with more planned and I'm 4 stone down. The friend I usually travel with laughed on our most recent trip that whilst I still walk slowly, I was out walking her - we had rest on her say so, not mine. I discovered Vinted and have a massively revamped wardrobe.

Give yourself time and space to focus on you. Listen to the inner voices. Work out where you need to go from here I wish I had done it sooner but am grateful I got here and am focused on that .

Hugs OP!

Is it possible that you had or were suffering from undiagnosed PND after the birth of your daughter? You say around the same time you stopped being intimate. Was that a joint decision at the time? PND isn't necessarily dramatic, it can be a sort of creeping emotional bluntness where normal things annoy and resuming normal activities seems difficult and affection output feels forced.

Just a thought, might not apply.

But if so, I can completely understand why you now feel a bit displaced. Like things have progressed but you are still you and you cannot see what was the problem in hindsight now.

You're only human, (you don't deserve a rough time) and I completely get feeling upset, even resentful about your Ex's seeming happiness. It's as if he's saying life is actually better without you. I am not saying these thoughts are right or fair. They're actually illogical. But they just are. They are what you are feeling and when you acknowledge them, then you can tackle them and get down to why you feel slightly sour that he has seemingly carved out a better existence without you.

I once read something that said if you ever feel jealous, envious, or resentful about something, it's often because you desire that thing and it's a guide, an internal compass telling you what you need to do/ where you need to go to improve things. It's telling you you want/need something, or something is missing. When this this happens I analyse and I sometimes find I have been telling myself some illogical fallacies that need challenging. For e.g. Your ex seemingly having an improved life is not a reflection that your life is lesser value, less important. My idea of fun is a good book with a plate of ice cream. My sister's is clubbing and she travels a lot. I'm a homebody. We're different. There is no need for a competition outlook with your ex, You do not have to lose weight, widen your social circle etc for your life to be affirming. But if, on the other hand, seeing your ex's way of life you do want those things for yourself then by all means work on getting them.

But also OP and I do generalise, but it's also from personal experience...and that is that men generally do not remain single for long. Of course there are deviations from this, but in general they move on to another woman before really doing the inner work. Women tend to do more introspection. Do you honestly want him back? Really consider the question. If so it wouldn't be what you hope. It's entirely possible that once he settles down again with someone new, this new stuff he's doing (which he apparently wasn't willing to do with you, whilst you were together) will Peter out then again it might not.

But you, my dear, won't give a Fk by then, because, from now on, you are going to take advantage of that 50% time to yourself to do new things and explore who you are/want to be since you became a mother. Do one small doable thing. Gradually build yourself up. I promise you amazing things will happen when you let go, forgive yourself for any mistakes (if any, it seems he was ok with the relationship ending, I've seen cases where the other person fights hard to keep the relationship and prevent divorce) stop looking back and concentrate on building the life you deserve.

Don't overthink and compare your life to your ex's.
Good luck.

You are the issue.

You blamed him in the marriage and now you’re trying to blame him somehow now.

The only person in control of your life is you.

Did you really think he’d sit there pining for you all day?
Would that make you happier?

I’d be gutted if I ended a relationship just because I wanted more (and there was no abuse etc) and he was heartbroken and pining for me for months.

All we can do is do better for ourselves.
He’s doing that but you’re not.

Two things stand out to me.

One: clearly, he wasn't in a great state when he was with you, if he's made such a dramatic change. Sometimes both people in a relationship do know, deep down, it isn't ok, and I wonder if he did know just as well as you that it wasn't. I agree with a PP that it may have been the 'kick' he needed to think 'actually, I wasn't feeling all that great in that relationship and I need to sort my life out'. I think later on this will feel like another bit of evidence that the split was the right and mature thing to do (as will the fact he's a good co-parent).

Two: it is so easy, when a relationship isn't abusive or broken by infidelity or something dramatic, to look back and think it must have been ok. Women are heavily conditioned to believe we 'should' be in relationships and we somehow owe it to partners to stay in those relationships. But you weren't feeling ok, were you?

If you really, genuinely, deep down feel that you called it wrong, then that was a mistake and it is sad. But life includes mistakes. You can't change them. You just have to carry on as gracefully as you can and try not to make the same mistakes again. It isn't the end of the world. Everyone has things in their past they feel they could have done differently and better. What matters is how you carry on now. Do you want a new job? Do you want to do different things as a parent to your child? Would you like to be dating? You need to pick yourself up and make some of these changes, if they are the things you want in your life.

The only person responsible for your happiness is you. It's all for the good that your ex husband is happy and enjoying life - for your daughter. It's much better for her to have happy parents.

If you're dissatisfied with life, what can you do to change it? New job, new hobbies, going out with friends, joining a sports team or exercise class? Save up and do some travelling to new places?The possibilities are endless. You just need to decide that you want to change things up and start with one thing.

Good for him - great role model for your daughter.

I realise that it’s probably hard to watch him move on but you have the option to make great changes if you want them as well - start now and shape the life you want.

@TightlyLacedCorset this is funny: "Of course there are deviations from this, but in general they move on to another woman before really doing the inner work. Women tend to do more introspection."

Before they do the inner work. yes, sounds like it's him who needs to do the inner work clearly. we don't know if he's done any inner work. but if his reaction to the unhinged accusation text is anything to go by he seems to be doing ok mentally. doesnt just introduce some new woman in his kids life and when the angry ex texts him about being accused he didn't snap back.

Women tend to do more introspection: saying this in this thread is a little ironic though. woman stuck in whatever mode she is in and feeling annoyed that her ex is doing better. you know the father of her kid who they spend 50% of the time with. if that doesnt scream lack of introspection I dunno what does.

It's very confusing when an ex starts to move on with a new partner especially if you haven't done so yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time, what you are feeling is normal even though you ended the marriage yourself.
All you can do is try to focus on yourself and not make comparisons with him which is easier said than done I know.

With time and with a good co parenting relationship, it's sometimes hard to remember why your marriage was bad enough for you to end it.
You are seeing the good bits of your ex now and in some ways he seems even better because he's lost weight, is doing different things etc but he is really still the same man & if you were together the same problems in your relationship would be there.

Try to put your kids at the heart of this. If he's happy and sorted and is still prioritising his children then that's really what you want. A bitter, unhappy dad would be awful for them and probably for you too as the co parent.
Obviously you will have to keep an eye and check his priorities don't change with a new relationship in the mix but hopefully he will continue being a good dad.

And then, as others have said, try to make the most of your 50:50 time so that you are distracted from this and to give your own life more fulfillment and colour.

This sounds like some fantasy post from an ex husband whose wife left him, hoping this is how she feels either now or in the future lol.

I don't see what right you had to angrily text him other than your jealousy. What has he actually done wrong? and unless you have specific orders to say is it cant happen what right to you have to dictate who he can intdouce his child too?

same as he cant dictate to you

What’s your custody arrangement with your DD? If he has her one night a week and EOW, I can see why he’s been able to take up hobbies and lose weight and start dating and you haven’t.

Sorry! I just saw you’ve said right there that he has her 50/50.

It's OK, OP, you've still got plenty of time. 3 years after the split is relatively early days. You can do all the things that your ex has done, if you want to. Think about what you'd like to be different in your life and start making changes to make it happen.

So you weren't happy with him and you're not happy without him.

The commen denominator here is you.

So what are you going to do about it?

You have 50% of the week to explore your own likes and dislikes, get fit, eat healthy, make friends and find a new job you actually like (because it sounds like yours is not doing it for you). You need to use it.

You also need to stop with the texting. He is entitled to his own life and successes, and jealous texting only reflects badly on you.