Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

You learn from your mistakes and that if he was a great guy maybe sometimes marriages are worth saving .
your feelings are valid , but be a grownup and know you are in the wrong here and he is doing nothing wrong .

You need to stop using your ex's life as the yard stick to measure your own.

Do you want to meet someone new yet? I know my SIL when she split from her dh wasn't ready for several years she wanted time to herself.

What type of social life / activities do you want to do and what is stopping you? etc.

Think of your own goals separately, prioritise and start actioning them. No one else is going to do that for you.

It's a bitter pill to swallow OP, and in your shoes I would be a tiny bit envious too. But you've had some great advice here, so kick start your own life!

Stay off his socials.
In some ways isn’t it freeing that he is ok? You don’t have to feel guilty or fret about him, you’re free to do your own things now.
Start small and start doing things you enjoy, I did wonder from your post if you were feeling a bit frustrated that this hiking, gig going happy guy wasn’t the guy that showed up for you in your marriage?

I have a friend who ended her relationship. And then was furious when he got another partner. She was right to the the relationship. But I think like you she needed to recognize that was just the start, and she needed to do more to make herself happy.

It's very common when married people feel dissatisfied to place the blame on their husband/wife when all the time the problem was them!

Of course you're unreasonable - being dumped does make a person re-assess their life, and often results in a glow-up - it's a very well known thing. I did it myself - my DH left me 3 years ago and I've lost over 4 stones since, I look and feel a million times healthier and happier, and I've leaned on family and friends since, whereas he cut almost everyone off (whether through guilt, or shame I don't know). I feel very free and am slowly getting back to the person I was before I was "wifey" and "mum" - I had lost myself in a long marriage.

He's done the same I imagine, you can't really blame him for picking himself up after his marriage break up and moving on - and now you're wondering if you did the right thing breaking up with him, thinking the problem is you. It's a common story I'm afraid. So you work on doing the same - you become healthier, have a glow-up, pick up some new interests and so on.

Do you think you might be depressed? I do know a woman who left her marriage when her baby was young and looking back puts it down to undiagnosed PND. There's help out there if you need it - see your GP.

Jeepers nelly.
That's exactly the song I was reminded of by this thread. 😁
Along with:
Yes by McCalmont and Butler.

The way it is by The Rembrandts.

@Arlanymor Love your first post for the OP!
So, so sensible, logical and well observed. You have even spurred me on with your encouragement and words of wisdom. Thank you!

Well it seems like you thought the grass was greener and then found it wasn't, and he has found himself happier without you. You're not the first and won't be the last. It sounds like you have some good things going for you- he sounds like a decent co-parent and you have your DD and also 50% of the time to do your own thing, and a steady job to depend on.

It sounds like a good starting point to start making improvements to your own life. What hobbies interest you? You say he is into hiking, gigs and travelling- what about you?

The OP doesn’t know why she’s unhappy. It’s an obvious way to sort through her beliefs about herself and her life as a way of figuring out what’s preventing change.

edit - wrong thread

I listen to the podcast "Wanging on" and while one of the dilemmas was different to yours, the advice they had made me think of you op.

"Appreciate the life you have, not the life you think you should have."

Too many girls are socialised to think marriage is the goal of life and will make you happy. We literally read stories when we were young where the female protagonist got married and then:

"...they lived happily ever after."

Nobody lives happily ever after. Even in great relationships. A therapist once said to me "all relationships are work, some are hard work."

So nix that thought that "if only I was in a relationship, I'd be happy" because that's BS. The first flushes of lust are amazing. But that lasts for 2 years tops. After that, it's washing each others' pants and being irritated by the way they leave the cheese unwrapped in the fridge (just me?) In the meantime, if your emotional wellbeing is solely reliant on the boost you get from that first flush of love you won't negotiate the ups and downs of being with someone in the long term.

That's why people are saying "focus on you" because being happy in your own skin is a surer way of being happy full stop but also much more likely to be happy in a relationship with someone else, if that does happen for you. And if it doesn't, so what? I can tell you now that as I close in on 50, there are plenty of women my age that see that as an amazing achievement. Being on your own? Financially stable? That's a bloody win. It's certainly an improvement on being with someone you don't love.

Tbh, I don't have an issue with people using AI to clarify their thoughts or tweak their expression but what is the point of a straight c&p that isn't even your own thoughts?

I'm not saying that your post has no merit, however, I don't think that gender necessarily comes into this.

I really don't think that this is a gender issue because both men and women are capable of chucking away a decent person because they're bored, thinking that life will be better if that that person was gone, and later finding that actually it was not the person they got rid of but them that was the issue.
And both men and women can be devastated by this.

It's something that does not fit neatly along gender lines at all.

If OP was a man I would say exactly the same thing and saying well done to the wife who'd dusted herself off and improved.

I don’t disagree with other posters, that only you can determine how you are living your life. And your exh seems to have done a better job at this point in time in doing so, apparently, positively.

two things come to mind

1. ”Hope”: when you divorced, or thought of divorcing did you hope that it would make things better for you? We often do without making actual plans of what and how our life will be post divorce. Hope is an insidious emotion and thought process. It can actually stop us making actual plans, especially those involving discomfort at, or fear of unknown, and in turn that stops us taking actual action. We just get stuck in a place of “hoping” it’ll get better. But not actually doing anything. How much did you hope about what life would be like post divorce, vs actually planning your life?

1. its a fact that men, generally, not all men, but generally, move on from long term relationships much quicker than women, (again not all women, on average.) whilst this might not mean they jump straight into a relationship after divorce, widowhood, it does mean they are more likely to move on with a new life and adapt to that. God knows my exh started saying he was “excited” about being single agian only moments after the word divorce was spoken! My dad met a new partner within 4 weeks of my mums funeral! This is not exceptional. We all know the data: married men are happy, wealthier and less ill than married women. Single women are happier, wealthier and less ill than married women. Generally men tend to “need” being in partnerships more than women…hence the angry young single misogynistic men movement! Your exh seems to be just a typical bloke. No magic ability, hejust has moved on quicker than you, as a typical woman

You aren’t going to do what he has done until you are ready to do so, and can visualise a more positive future for yourself, and live, not just survive. Only then can you start to replace hope with actions and plans to move you to that. Give yourself time, even though you instigated divorcee it is still a grief of type, and we all grieve in different ways.

you do you. Look at your own mental well-being first, you can’t take action if you are struggling with your mental well-being etc.

I can see why this is annoying but good for him especially as it sounds like you were the one to call it a day. He didn't have a choice and has made the best of his situation.

I think you need to start working on your self-awareness and connecting with your needs and feelings. In therapy, preferably.

You didn't want him. You divorced him. He moved on. He's getting on with life.
You, for some reason, can't handle that. I'm extremely sorry to have to say this, but you've made your bed, so you have to lie in it.

The definition of futility is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

If you want something in your life to change, you have to change something in your life.

For me it was new friends/a new hobby.
Things have stagnated recently, and it's because i have stagnated. Time to move again, to make a change.

do something different

It sounds like your ex has made better use of his 50% free time whilst you are still in full time mum mode. Time to follow his example and make some changes - dating, hobbies, trips, study? Time for some you time.

I feel for you OP but the answer really is in finding your OWN happiness. Trust me once you are happy with your life you would not care what your EX is up to. About 20 years ago I was in a ridiculously bad relationship but didnt want to end because I was so worried who my ex would see, what he would do where he would be (just all pure jealousy because I knew he would immediately move on and have an amazing life without me). I mean looking back that was beyond stupid because as soon as I find happiness I didnt think twice of him, I really hope you can fill your free time with fun things and meet people and do things that make you happy, and eventually you will care less about him.

I voted that you are not being unreasonable, because you aren't.

You were unreasonable in thinking that your husband was the reason you were unhappy, but that ship has sailed, and I admire your honesty and self-awareness now. It IS a hard pill to swallow, seeing someone move on without you and realising that you've made a colossal mistake.

There's no point beating yourself up about that now, you know it was misguided, but mistakes can be mended. I don't mean that you can undo what has happened with your ex, but you CAN get yourself into the same place he has. Happy and healthy.

I suggest that you consider therapy, if you can afford it. But also, as other people have said, you have time when your daughter is at her dad's to think about what YOU want, what makes you happy. 3 years is more than long enough to wallow - it's time to get back on your feet.

When I split from my son's dad, I entered what I would describe as the happiest period of my life. I loved solo parenting - hard as it is - I took up a new hobby, started my own business, I discovered that I am a runner, and I grew so much in confidence. These things didn't happen to me - I had to make them all happen. And it's hard work, especially if you don't really know who you are or what you are into outside of Being Married and Being A Mum. But it's also really exciting. Try and be excited for yourself.

And try to stop resenting your ex. You treated him badly, it must have really hurt him - he's done a good job getting himself back together. It's your turn now.

Agreed. The double standards on MN are batshit. Imagine the reverse of this thread:

"My husband left me last year. He admits I didn't do anything wrong, he just started feeling differently about me after our daughter was born. We now share 50/50 residency of our five-year-old. I've lost four stone, built an active social life, and am seeing someone new. My ex-husband just angrily texted me to say he's shocked I've introduced our daughter to my new boyfriend so early. I replied politely that I haven't introduced them at all, which is true. Have I done something wrong?"

MN would have called the ex every name under the sun by now. Absolutely no one would have said "why didn't you make all this effort while you were with him? He must be very hurt" or "it sounds as though you moved on without putting in the inner work."