Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

@Starbangerhow did you see your life changing when you decided to split? What were you hoping for?

I think the first poster nailed it saying your ex wasn’t a magic bullet. Try not to be resentful, it sounds like he didn’t tick the boxes you needed, but nor does your current situation. Time to try and unpack that. Like others, I would consider working with a therapist to look into it, but my first question will probably help you get started.

I love stories like this!!
You go girl.
OP my best friend was in this situation a few years ago, it was she who wanted to end the marriage, he joined a running club, bought a house and put himself out there and has now remarried. She really struggled- she has now met someone else but took her a long time to get over the difference in him.

This - the op doesn't need therapy - she just needs to read this and act on it.

Use your child-free time to make the same or similar improvements in yourself - get fitter if you need to , batch cook, build your friends network, update your home etc etc.

I fully understand this, OP. Also split with my husband three years ago. Was feeling depressed and our sex life was non-existent, and over the years he'd become just another thing for me to look after, with the kids and pets. I don't regret ending the marriage but like you, found it wasn't a magic bullet to happiness. But that's life isn't it? Outside books and films, there is no magic bullet - you have to keep putting the work in, tweaking things so that you can be content. I've not yet got round to dating - OLD is not for me, my ADHD brain immediately gets overwhelmed and I tried a few dates but they were all idiots so gave up - but when/if it happens, it happens. I've changed job and that's much better. Love living in my own house with the kids. Got into gardening!

Anyway I don't think you actually care about your ex moving on, it's just the fact that you feel stuck. That's what you need to focus on. Look into new hobbies, go to a festival, change your hair, get a tattoo - do something you've always wanted to do. You can be fully yourself without compromising for anyone else, so do that.

Similar to me.
When younger a boyfriend of a few years decided that he was bored (translatiin: wanted to sh*g someone else) and I was 'holding him back.'

He admitted that I'd done nothing wrong.
I was devastated but after a while retrained in a professional job, lost a bit of weight and got a great new man.

I met him by chance in the street. Not only did had he not moved forward but he'd actually regressed: dropped out of university (he was a mature student) , put weight on, no job, on benefits and back with his parents.
No super hot young girlfriend, either. In a vague fwb arrangement with a woman he'd sneered about when we were together.

Good enough for him.
People often get rid of what it's easy for them to get rid of than taking a look inside and saying is it me?

Funny how those who are always vaguely 'unhappy' always remain so.

I think your reaction and emotions are understandable and quite natural. A positive sign is that you're honest about how you feel. You just don't know how to respond to it and consequently, you feel lost and empty.

Try to divert your time from thinking about him (whether you intend to or not) to something else. Once you find something to immerse yourself in and reduce the time spent thinking about him, then slowly you will find yourself.

I think sometimes when those types of marriages end, both of them really want it to and have probably checked out already, but someone actually has to wave the red flag and call time, and it's not necessarily the person who's readiest to move on. It took me five years to decide that I needed to leave my marriage and then another three years adjusting to the 'new normal' and the person I am outside marriage. Still don't feel like I am really there yet! But I think my ex is happier - he loves having his own house and space. That makes it easier for me actually as at least I don't have to worry about him.

It's very hard when you've been the one to call time on a relationship, you can carry a lot of guilt. The weight of the decision and the lead up to it can take a lot out of you. Especially when you're a woman ending it, and people seem to think unless there is physical harm it is selfish to end a marriage with a child in the mix. It is very stressful ending a marriage. So be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of work to be happy sometimes! Your ex doing so well must be incredibly annoying and you're only human to feel resentful (especially when he made no effort when you were together?), I would too. Though giving him a hard time for dating is not fair. If you genuinely want him back though, tell him, what have you got to lose.

Just because you don't feel therapy would be beneficial for you doesn't mean the same can be said for everyone. Some people benefit greatly from talking to others. There's no reason to believe therapy would 'drag things out for years' either. Everyone is different.

It seems only slim people are worthy 🤷‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️

Of course they can but this isn't about making decisions, it's about what's wrong in OPs mind that is making her so unhappy and blamed her DH for and now is jealous he's moved on.

As a very clear and recent example of the effects of weight loss - I think we've all seen the impact of the weight loss injection revolution on many people's happiness and well being. There's no beating about the bush - it is what it is, and we know it. It's not about 'keeping' a partner, or male or female, it's about personal happiness and contentment with oneself - and the impact that has on others.

Had he introduced the person to your child? If not, why did you say he had?

Oh dear..

That would seem more logical to me, to be glad they are ok because it takes the pressure or guilt off if they were in the gutter/turning to drink (especially as OP has given no indication he was a bad person). When my ex remarried I wanted him to stay happily married because it was one less thing to worry about, having him in a bad place would have been no good for any of us.

Why oh dear? You said him losing weight might have kept the marriage going. Ergo if he was slimmer she might not have left in your opinion.

Agreed, This fascination and obsession with constant navel gazing. It's destructive and a lot of the time, helps no one but the therapists bank balance.

As I said above 'As a very clear and recent example of the effects of weight loss - I think we've all seen the impact of the weight loss injection revolution on many people's happiness and well being. There's no beating about the bush - it is what it is, and we know it. It's not about 'keeping' a partner, or male or female, it's about personal happiness and contentment with oneself - and the impact that has on others'.

I've been looking at the long list of comments here, and can I just interject real quick? Some of you are really making up your own headcanons and are truly running with it. Maybe stick to the information the OP shared. For example: She said nothing about not being attracted to his exH because he was fat, never said anything about being attracted to him now that he's not either...

You knwo you're unreasonable so that's good. We cant help feeling jealous, but we can control what we do about it.

I think we can determine that it was not (just?) your marriage that was making you unhappy. So what is it? Possible somwthing within? You havent achieved what you wanted? How you feel within yourself? Life is different from what you imagined? I would recommend contacting a therapist and going through this with them to see what it is and then you can work on a plan on how to change it.

You need to stop comparing lives otherwise it will make you even more down.

You weren’t happy when you were married and it didn’t sound like that was going to change. Ultimately you’d have undoubtedly split up eventually anyway.

He’s done what he needed to rebuild and move forward. Internally he may still be unhappy, you’ll never know. It just ‘looks’ like his life is ‘better’.

You need to do the same now - rebuild and move forwards. You CAN do it - hobbies, exercise, self-care. You are the only one that can make this happen, and it can be tough. Sometimes it’s easier to hunker down at home in our comfort zone, but this won’t help long term.

Honestly - YOU CAN DO THIS. One step at a time and you’ll also rebuild and move forwards - there’s a bright future waiting for you to step in to, get out and grab it!

You separated from the man he was when in a partnership with you, for what sounds like good reasons. The fact that he's a different man entirely outside of the marriage is confirmation it was the right thing, as clearly neither of you were thriving as a couple. If you were with this improved version, there's every chance he would revert to the old pattern, as clearly the dynamic didn't bring out the best in either of you.
The most useful thing you can do now is to detach yourself from his life and focus on your own. He has found a better life outside of the marriage and your turn will come.

Basically, OP (although I doubt you'll be back to read any of these posts), take what he has done and achieved as proof that you can do it too. Let it motivate you.

This. It feels like a reverse.

The wife ending the marriage "for no real reason" feels very much like the husband's pov of a situation in which the wife would say he wasn't pulling his weight with the baby. That's the real reason women decide we'd be better off without a partner. We weigh up the situation and realise it would make no difference if he wasn't there - and might even lift some of the load, actually.

And then there are these positive life improvements, like the weight loss, that he only did after he left the relationship. If he's improved so much in the three years since the relationship ended, then he obviously wasn't this man while he was married to OP. Most real women would have something to say about that! Most real women would be wondering where all this self-improving energy was, when it came to saving the relationship with the mother of his child.

Most real women will also be aware that while he's doing "his fair share of parenting", it won't be anything like a true 50/50 split. Because ex-wife's home will still be the base, and young children will always demand more from their mother. Women tend to be the ones dealing with the school and the doctors and doing all the life admin stuff, and are very aware of this fact. A woman who left her husband because she thought she'd be better off without him is likely to have done it for this reason. Doing things on your own is hard, but it's a different kind of frustration to the one you feel when you're supposed to have a partner to share the load with, and they're not pulling their weight. This feeling will have been part of the reason she left. It will have suffocated her daily for months. A real woman would mention it in her assessment of how she's coping post-divorce, and would be unlikely to actually believe the burden of care is equal now, even if he regularly has the kids over.

This all reads like a man's perspective on the marriage ending. "We stopped having sex and I don't know why" - male perspective. "She became irritable with me and I don't know why" - male perspective. "She thought she'd be better off without me but I don't why" - male perspective. "I'm winning the break-up because I'm fit and dating and have lots of time for my hobbies" - male perspective! Yes, people can struggle to understand their own feelings sometimes, but there are observations a woman would make that I'm just not seeing here, and the priority list feels very male. The whole thing feels like the husband's perspective on his ex-wife from the outside. Or like somebody trying to create goady internet discourse