Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

That sounds hard. Have you done any therapy? I think you need to find a good therapist and start looking into how and why you feel this way and what changes you can make. Feeling happy starts with doing work from within and then you’ll see things shift and your perspective changes. It sounds like something has clicked for you in terms of how you are responsible for your own happiness and that’s great as you now have that awareness and can do something about it.

This and I not being unkind when I say that the situation you were in prior to split is typical of many couples.
Parenting overturns any semblance of previous relationship and I know several friends who admit to really struggling with the early years.
I do feel like you need to find yourself again. Step by step and who knows what the future holds between you?
Take care OP, please don't beat yourself up. You are dealing with so much.

Therapy again???

Cognitive therapy specifically.

So what do you do when you don't have your DD?

Life isn't going to magically change for you in one sudden moment - you have to take control and make small steps towards what you want g to achieve. Little steps every week.

So that exactly is this and why will it suddenly give the OP the kick up the arse she needs?

He has moves on - she is jealous - what will sitting in a therapist chair change about that?

Sounds to me like you were both stuck in a rut, which wasn't anyone's fault. It can happen with life circumstances/young child to care for etc. Unfortunately you blamed him for causing the problems for both of you and now you are blaming yourself. Whereas the reality is that everyone is responsible for themselves and for their own happiness (in most situations bar abuse/infidelity etc).

It sounds like he took the feedback when you ended things and got himself sorted. Because you saw him as the problem you didn't make similar changes. The good news is it isn't too late - take advantage of the free time you have when your ex has your daughter and make a list of things that make you happy e.g.

Fitness - what appeals to you? E.g. Couch to 5k, pilates class, gym membership, hiking or rambling group, padel, paddleboarding, yoga

Arts/creativity - you could join a book club, do an art, pottery or cookery class or even go on weekend courses in France or Italy, go to more live music events or simply go to the theatre or cinema a bit more

Appearance (only if you are dissatisfied): this could include losing/gaining weight or getting stronger, having your hair done, overhauling your make up collection, getting a facial or your nails done, or refreshing your wardrobe

Home: you mention your ex has a lovely flat. Are there any refreshes you can do so you love your home? If not, could you move?

Dating: do you want a partner whether now or in the future

Relationship with your daughter: think of things you will both enjoy when you have her, can be as simple as going for walks/bike rides/baking together/crafting to going to Disney or on a city break or to something like dinosnores at the natural history museum

@iamfedupwiththis are you fed up yet? I have a feeling therapy will feature many more times today 😂😂.

It sounds like when you split you wanted your ex to suffer and watch you thrive. He has done the work on himself. I think you need to work on yourself to find out why you're feeling unhappy. Fill your child free time, figure out what makes you happy.

I agree. My husband left me because he wasn't happy. I've had a "glow up," but it wasn't because I couldn't be bothered to take care of myself when I was with him, it was because I was so focused on him and the marriage that I didn't take the time to take care of myself. I was devastated when he left, now I'm happier than ever. He's still unhappy.

This makes me wonder why you broke up with him in the first place, was it because you were happier without him around or because you wanted to punish him? It shouldn’t matter if he’s thriving, it should matter if you’re happier not having to put up with him anymore. If that’s not the case then it sounds like you broke up with him for the wrong reasons. Perhaps you’re not enjoying motherhood and you blame him for that. You need to get to the bottom of your unhappiness, you won’t find the solution until you do

Hahaha - yes I am fed up with it - what is the bloody obsession??

I've not read all of the posts but I will say this OP, you have no right to demand to know even who your ex partner is going out with. You certainly do not have the right to send a shitty text about it. It is polite of course for him to tell you that he's seeing someone new when he's planning to introduce your child to her but that's all. It's just politeness, you have no right to interfere.

And I'm sorry to tell you that if you get pissed off about that, more may come. I am divorced from my ex husband and he did politely tell me when he was introducing his new partner to our son but he didn't tell me when he planned to get engaged nor that he was planning to have another child. In fact, I think it was our son who told me both. Now I get on well with my ex but quite rightly in my view, my ex had no arrangement with me to inform me and certainly not ask about having more kids. But I tell you what, you think meeting your child is a big deal? THAT was a mental adjustment, my son going from being an only child to having a sister and me having had no say in that! So there may be more to come...!

With a dose of tough love in my reply... You weren't happy in your relationship, so you got out. If you were back there now, you would still not be happy. It would not be a magic wand. What you're feeling right now is a bit of jealousy that your ex is moving on when you're not. And that's ok. Especially if you now see him making effort in ways he never did with you. Doesn't mean it was wrong to end it or you should rush back to him. Not at all. Just means that probably he's happier out of it too. So what?

So perhaps your ex didn't put effort into your marriage and now you aren't putting effort into your single life. Change that! Get some hobbies, activities, joy in your life. Stop stalking him on social media (look, I know you are, we all do) and get some fun in your life. If things are really bad, seek out some counselling. It's ok to feel sad for a relationship ending, it's a grief even if you caused it to end. But you also have SO much opportunity in life. You have a 50/50 custody arrangement, where your child spends time with someone you know loves them as much as you. Use the rest of that time to focus on you! Enjoy it!

Have you considered therapy to explore why you get so angry when people you don't know, suggest to other people you don't know, that they may benefit from getting professional help with difficult situations?

Why didn't he lose that weight when you were together, might've helped things. Maybe you were both making each other unhappy, for whatever reason. But you had the motivation to end it. I don't think YABU, it's just life and human nature. The best thing now is to concentrate on you and how to feel better from within, not needing external validation.

*I might add not by therapy.. (not a fan of therapy) I'm talking about gym, healthy eating, botox , facials, lovely golden tan, new hair cut / dye etc, holidays.. Superficial at first but will make you feel a million times better inside.

Wow. If the genders were reversed would you ask the same thing.

If the sexes were reversed? Yes.

How many of us are overweight in a relationship then lose it after the relationship ends - a lot! It doesn’t really tell you anything other than people can easily lose sight of who they are without even realising it. Are we now to tell women to lose weight to help keep their husbands?

Wow, right, so tell me you’ve no comprehension of the emotional reasons why people gain weight without telling me.

A difficult situation??

God help us, if this is a difficult situation?

Apparently yes this is what the poster thinks. If your fat it’s your fault if your marriage ends,

I can sense your anger and distress. You may find outside help useful.

@asdbaybeeee some people find the suggestion of therapy very triggering for them and obviously they are dealing with their own issues around that suggestion or they would have only needed to say it once and not try to dominate multiple posters by repeating it when others suggested therapy. Clearly many posters believe it might be helpful to you.

Sometimes a very short stint of therapy can help you to reframe and put together a plan for making changes in your own life and then sometimes you can begin to realise that the degree of unhappiness can have deeper roots that might need to be addressed as you are making changes.

Haha, I am not distressed, I just don't get the fascination with sitting down for years talking about the same problem.

What OP needs is to get outside, do some of the things he ex has been doing, he is clearly thriving since he was dumped

Op, it feels like you came to tne conclusion he was the problem, and he was going to struggle without you. For him, you were it.

youve now realised he’s much happier he’s no longer married to you and has even met someone new. And he’s realised it too.

and it bites, but you do need to behave. Texting him angrily was not ok and I hope you’ve apologised to him.

you have as much opportunity to improve your life and be happy as he does. Child care is 50 50. You have three and a half days a week you can do as you please. Get fit. Go out. Meet someone. Whatever. Stop comparing yourself to him, or use it as a spur to motivate you, but only you are responsible for your own happiness.