Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

Your just jealous - and that’s ok
he’s become the man you wanted or maybe fell in love with

it’s hurts that he couldn’t be bothered to change for you

be glad he’s a good dad to his daughter
don’t turn into the crazy ex and laying down the law on when his girlfriend can meet his daughter

@Starbangeri am a little bit like your DH in this situation...he left, I didn't want him too. With hindsight it was for the best. I've moved on and friends say I look/ seem happier, but to be honest what other choice did I have?
And a lot of it is a front...I'm still reeling inside. Plus I'm exhausted as he takes very little to do with the kids.
All I'm meaning is that I'm sure your ex is doing ok, but it won't be as robust as it seems I'm sure.

Gently he doesn’t need your permission to introduce a partner to his daughter.

I think you’re jealous he’s doing so well and instead of doing something about it, you also have half the week free, you’re just staying as is.

I would guess seeing how much happier he is out of the marriage is very grating, and now he’s moved on completely with a new partner, it’s put the final nail in it.

you need to focus on making you happy, not him.

Well done! What a lovely, positive story.

@Starbanger - you have some fab advice on here. Ignore the people asking if you’d be happier if he was miserable, as that’s definitely not the vibe I got from your post.

You just sound a little lost. Time to work on you 💐

Oh you negative Nelly.

Is this how you process positive change, a good lifestyle, making the most of a downward turn in life? Sourly?

"What do you need? What would feel like a life that was more you or more fulfilling? The changes might be slow but you can make stuff happen."

Yes that's precisely what he did...but you're saying it's likely a sham.
Are only women to be encouraged in this way?
How tone deaf.

Why not look at what you do have?

Sounds like you have a reasonable, equal, thoughtful co-parent dad for your daughter.

You have 50% of the time to put time into work, move jobs or promotion, get fit, good time of year to go out for evening walks and indulge in self care, get the boring life bits out of the way so the time you have with your daughter can be less fraught.

Where you are and what you are doing is not his fault. Sounds like he was presented with a divorce he didn’t initialise, had to co-parent and has done so with grace and just got on with life.

Perhaps you did make the right decision and you weren’t right for each other but it sounds like you expected it to be you thriving and him what, heartbroken, festering in a messy flat? Is that what you wanted?

You need to let thus go @Starbanger before it consumes you with bitterness. Do you say “hey ex you look great been hiking anywhere good recently?” Be pleased for him basically. He hasn’t done anything wrong quite the opposite in fact. And if this new relationship takes off that will be something else you have to deal with. You need to prepare yourself for that. And she might be lovely, considerate and respectful to you as the mum of his child.

Do you want him back?

That all sounds tough.
But it's your turn to start thriving now.
Treat yourself on your next free day. Take a break from your normal routines and think of three things you want to do going forward. If one of them is social and active (like joining a tennis/pickleball/golf club or choir) so much the better.
Good luck.

I’d really recommend getting some counselling to work through your feelings even at this stage. It’s normal to feel strange when someone you were with moves on - even if you ended it. But always remember that you’re comparing his outsides with your insides. It won’t have been easy for him and maybe you expected it to be easier for you as you were the initiator of the split.

But tbh I’d actually call him or text him to apologise and perhaps even be open about how you feel a bit. And say you want him to be happy but it feels scary/strange/difficult for you to know your daughter is going to be potentially building a relationship with someone you don’t know. And acknowledge that the opposite will happen with any partners you meet that you may introduce to her. You can discuss how you’d both like that to go… if he is willing to have an emotional conversation- my ex was never willing to do that when we split up so it was never an option for future aspects of parenting. It reinforced why I wanted to split with him - he was unable to have any kind of real emotional conversation or connection..

But you don't want him really, you're not upset that he's doing well, you're upset that you're not and that you've stagnated.
If you'd lost 4 stone, took up hiking and got a boyfriend, you wouldn't care about your ex husband.
To sum up, this isn't about him, it's about you.

In order to lead a meaningful and rewarding life you have to first find things that give your life meaning…

If you don’t know what these might be, therapy might be a good start.

But also just do things - invest in friendships, go to meet-ups, start exercising, read books, go to a gig/concert, redecorate the house, cook new dishes……

Well it sounds like neither of you were really that happy and the relationship had run its course.

Instead of focusing on what your ex does with his time think about what you could do to make your life more how you would like it to be.

I don't think that's necessarily the first step. We're all different.

You blamed him in the marriage and blame him now.
Maybe when he was on his own he knew he needed to make a change, and thats what he did.
Its been 3 years you have to move on just like he did.
Did you expect him to live misery, and go down hill.
What he does now has nothing to do with you.

You have to sort your own life out just like he did.

That time after having a baby tests all relationships. It takes a while to get back on track, DH and I bickered more then than at any other point in our relationship. I was tired, breastfeeding, I didn’t want to be touched. I was irritable and so was he. He annoyed me, or more accurately I was easy to annoy. The goalposts in our relationship were shifting and that can cause friction. I needed different things from him as a husband and father, than I’d needed when we were a childless couple.
So think about what is going on. Did you feel like this before he got his life together, or is it only now that he has someone else ? It’s normal to feel sad and jealous for a while. Or do you now have the feeling that if you’d stuck it out for longer that you would be happily together now ? Of course it may not be the case but your OP makes it sound as though ending it was quite a hasty decision, and one based on something that pretty much everyone experiences to a greater or lesser degree.
I wonder if having some counselling might help you unpick what you want ? Because if you actually regret your decision and want to be with him then you need to address that and talk to him. If you simply feel a bit jealous that he is doing so well, then you need to put that in context and do some things in your own life that will make you feel more grounded and happy. I agree it all sounds as though you perhaps had unrealistic expectations of marriage and motherhood and this has left you dissatisfied and a bit lost. You can change this though, and it’s worth getting some help to work that out.

I'm pro-therapy when it comes to really complex or deep-seated issues that it would take a professional to help untangle.

This isn't one of those. OP is just stagnant and she doesn't need to unravel anything.

OP, everything your ex has done - you can do to. You just need to start. Look up job listings today if you want to change your job. Join a gym or buy some running shoes or look up sports clubs if you want to get fit. Book a holiday if you want to see more of the world.

Is this a reverse?
It sounds too fantastical
No one leaves a marriage for no reason.
I've left 2 and have loved my life after, even if it didn't improve.
You Know why?
Cuz u got rid of something that didn't serve you!
Now you gotta build your life but that has nothing to do with your ex.
I couldn't care less what my exes are doing at all, and I share a child with one.

It does sound as though you thought the reason you were unhappy was the marriage. The reality is different.
Instead of focusing on how well your ex is doing, put your energy into finding your own happiness.

I think you should give yourself a break and think of how strong and positive you actually are.

You left a situation a lot of us would just accept if we were in the same boat. There's plenty of 'just platonic' relationships out there with resentment simmering under the surface. You made a positive decision to not be in one of those relationships.

Quite frankly, the change in your ex proves you right, and that you were holding each other back from happiness, so don't go thinking you've made a mistake.

All you have to do is use your time differently when your ex has your daughter. Work on yourself, whether that be fitness, hobbies, learning or socialising.

Good luck!

There is always a 'reason' but those reasons vary considerably from fleeing abuse to just falling out of love with the person they married. One of the more depressing threads I read on here was of people discussing leaving their husbands because they just did not feel it anymore. By their own admission the men in question were supportive pro active loving fathers who had not done anything wrong yet were about to get binned because 'meh'.

Agree totally with Arlanymor- you splitting up with him kickstarted him making big changes in his life to move on, have a fresh start and a new lease of life. I'm not sure if you ever mentioned his weight as an issue or it was him feeling bad about it, but he seemed to have taken a long look at himself and the negatives/things he wanted to change and made it happen. It's quite admirable really and I think you should use him as inspiration and do similar. I can fully understand why you'd feel these feelings- bewilderment/regret/envy even about this. What are the key elements about you/your life you are unhappy with and would like to work on?

Yabu.
This guy didn't do anything really wrong here other than you were bored of the situation and things had become humdrum as they often do with young children.
Good on him for improving his life.

If he were abusive I'd understand your frustration.

You leaving him was what spurred him on to change his life. Maybe him leaving you (by moving on) can now in return motivate you.

Isn't that exactly what has happened here? She left because she didn't feel it anymore even though he hadn't done anything. It seems to have been the making of her exh. It's not depressing at all actually. Everyone deserves to be with someone who doesn't think of them as meh and it's better to leave and give the other person a chance to find actual happiness in that case.

I think what's happening here is that you're shocked your XH has now become the man you would have liked to be married too. Maybe the split gave him a good jolt and made him realise he wasn't putting enough effort into his life. It's a shame that this is where you got to - it sounds as though marriage counselling would have been a good first step for you before you broke up. It's really easy to blame others when we're unhappy and you might have identified that your general unhappiness - not linked to him - was the biggest issue for you.

What's stopping you from changing your life? Do you think you need to unpack what your issues are? Do you have an idea of the person you feel you should be? Get an image of that and work out how you can achieve it. I know it sounds simple but it's all about baby steps int he right direction. I'd really recommend getting some counselling so you can work through your own issues and find out what's holding you back. Or maybe you have a friend you really respect that can help you work things out? We all do it to ourselves at times - we get too comfortable and are then fed-up. It's not too late to turn things around but stop focusing on your XH - he isn't the problem (although I see your annoyance!).

I think you should use his process through this as a model for what you can do next.

Use the feelings to show you what you need to change and what is missing.

I think you were probably right that your marriage played a part in things at that time and I don’t think it is as simple as saying “you” were the problem - he clearly was not thriving either - but it is absolutely true that it is up to every individual to create their own life from the deck of cards they are dealt and do as much as they can that brings them positive emotions.