Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

[Starbanger]

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

Counselling, therapy, the OP doesn't need any of these, she just needs to stop bloody maudling around and get a bloody grip, not sitting in an arm chair for the next 3 years discussing her feelings!

she is jealous, he has got his shit together and she hasn't!

It might seem a strange thing to do but why not look at your ex’s new life as inspiration to improve your own? Do you need to refresh your home, do you need to lose weight or get fit, do you need to get a more social life or change your job, etc? Your ex is happy because he was pro-active in achieving a new happiness. It really has to start with you.

In a nutshell (and as many have already said), he has used the time for a bit of self reflection and self improvement.

He probably realised that he wasn't happy either and addressed those things.

It's time for you to do the same.

There's nothing preventing you from looking for a new job, changing your diet/health or improving your social life other than you.

You can do it too!

This!

I think it’s unfair to say he couldn’t be bothered when we don’t know. Women are applauded for glowing up after they’ve been dumped by their husband, not berated for it.

This happens all lot OP, people thinking the grass is greener, so you're not alone.

Also why some remarry the same person after divorcing them.

There's a lot of LBT on mumsnet, even on issues that are easy to resolve and some take it as Gospel.

Great that you've realised he wasn't the issue, now it's time to focus on you and build your confidence back up.

Be happy for him, he's the person you fell in love with, so shouldn't surprise you that he's great.

Build on a friendship if nothing else and your DD will benefit from it too.

Good luck going foward. Don't sit at home and fester.

Writing this demonstrates you have started to love forward. Recognising you are your problem is the first and biggest leap forward. You have articulated it and can now leap forward

I mean, good for him!

What changes have you made to your life since the split?

I was married to someone like you, and he’s still miserable now 4 years later. He got exactly what he wanted but it’s never enough, nothing is, and nothings ever quite his fault, always poor him doing his best, can’t help how he feels.

Very telling that you see the ‘issue’ being that he’s doing well, after you turned his entire life upside down and dumped him. You should be happy for him.

The only person in your life responsible for your happiness is you, and the only one that can change things is you, nobody is going to come along and fix things for you. Make changes, put some effort in, and really reflect on why you have negative feelings towards someone else doing well. Take this as an opportunity to really work on yourself, counselling is really helpful. Don’t leave it as a ‘woe is me I know I’m unreasonable’ thing, you can do better OP. Is the job giving you fulfilment? If not maybe start there.

Agree.

It's probably normal for someone who hasn't quite made the most of their life to be envious of a former partner who has but the tone of the post sounds more from the perspective of the former partner. Especially the texting part.

None it appears, that’s why the thread exists.

I'd suggest therapy to understand your issues.

Also there's absolutely fuck all wrong with being single and still working the same job. Fuck. All. Wrong.

Thats all issues therapy helps with.

Concentrate on your life not his
he took the opportunity for a fresh start you haven’t crack on

the text thing wasn’t great that was done out of bitterness not concern for DD

Therapy again!

Surprised people aren't advising ringing 111

So nobody can make any decisions without the assistance of a therapist?

Nobody can make any changes in their life without therapy?

No one can take up a hobby or do something fun without therapy?

So, are you a therapist or in therapy?

One of the worst MM 'trait' is that folks always try to downplay any positive in another, to boost the OP. @Starbanger , don't latch on to the negative/doubtful spin on your ex's improvement, as that just keeps you stuck for longer, waiting for his progress to unravel.

@Arlanymor post gives good advice. What you need now is to make the choice to move forward, and that starts with you.
You too can thrive.

True, when a man leaves "for no reason" it's always, forget him, he did you a favour.
Good to see most posters giving sound advice and not blaming him for a change.

People fall out of love, that's fine, but own it and don't begrudge the other person for moving on.

Tbh, that's not the impression I got from her post at all.

The problem is that the OP is pissed off that he is doing OK and, rather than focusing on herself and seeing him as inspiration or evidence that they are better off apart or taking the opportunity to improve her own situation, she's just angry and bitter that he isn't suffering.

Cognitive therapy?

Therapy again, the answer to everything!

True. The poster breakup female glow up is a whole thing. Lose weight, get your hair done...
He's done just that.

The issues that doesn't let you be happy come from within not from outside in this case. Work in that.