Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

One of my father's friends who was worth millions died without a will not long ago. He had no children and wanted to leave his money to charity. He just never got around to that will. Instead it went to the closest living relatives he'd not had a relationship with and might never have met (the legal lines of succession).

Oh that’s a shame. I hope the relatives were nice at least.

I think if considerable wealth was passed down through family it’s fair to take care of it and to help younger family members and so on, I agree it’s strange and even wrong not to help your children in that situation. Then again I’d give mine my last 50p if they needed it.
If you earned all your wealth off your own bat then ..whatever ..hoard or spend on holidays or whatever you choose to do. Personally as I said if I was comfortable my greatest pleasure would be to help younger family members snd cant fathom why people wouldn’t but that’s just me.

It's very natural and galling to watch people indulge themselves when their families don't have enough. Don't feel bad for feeling that. Just nothing you can do about it. World isn't fair or just and lots of people are selfish. That's the world we live in so don't let it sour you. Bless her and move on.

This kind of feels like something you should just think in your head but never put out into the universe a complaint like this.
As I'm sure you've been told, it's her money she can do with it as she pleases. Just because you'd dish it out to the kids doesn't mean she has to do exactly the same as you would.

This seems to be a very snotty, stompy gripe. You don't get a say here. I'm stunned you put this out for judgement. If I was her and saw this I'd start sharing out out skipping over the entitled DIL and family completely.
Fancy feeling so entitled to someone else's money that you post this.

I would say this is cause me to feel hurt that she would let her children live in near poverty when she has millions.

I would also like to point out that there is no guarantee she has listed her children as beneficiaries of her Will. For all you know, she could have left the lot to charity.

Can you not ask for a leg up?

@hoardingwealth

This has got to be really hard to watch happen, OP, I get it….

Oh goodness, what a mess! 😬🫣

Such a tricky situation! Sorry you are getting the 'grabby' replies, doesn't seem to me like you are being anything like this. You aren't looking for her to start passing anything to you and your DH specifically, mainly your BIL.

If you are able to mention it in a non inheritance focussed way, are you able to consider trying to have, or probably getting your DH to start, a conversation to ask about who her executors for her will are, POA, that side of things. Its obviously important to have that in place while fit and healthy so may be a gentler way to open the conversation. To then lead somewhere about IHT planning. Most 'tight' people would rather choose who to pass their money and assets on to, rather than let the government take it! Keeping money/gifting etc way out of the conversation initially, just making sure she has the other admin in place and that you know what it is/who to talk to so the probate process smoother.

Maybe once she has started the planning, she might start to think about IHT mitigation.

You also mentioned her funding a lot for a current partner. Do you think he's got an influence on her? Looking to ensure inheritance goes to him? Obviously her choice as long as she is healthy and not being otherwise manipulated.

I've fairly recently had the conversation with my DM, and got her Will and POA in place. She is not wealthy, but has way more than she needs. But the conversations were very much about her future security from a paperwork perspective. There would be IHT payable now, we've not focussed on that yet as she will also likely live to 90's! But she's single so its important for us to be able to help, know her wants etc, so we can make sure that happens on her behalf.

40% depending on what’s left, how it’s structured and an assumption on who it will be left too.

But the point is the fact the brother is struggling is on him and his life choices.

There's no way she would give POA. Far too independent. I lost one of my parents a few years ago, and they did all the financial stuff, Other parent totally clueless. It was difficult making sense of their affairs, but it was doable as they didn't have lots of investments and there were good notes left in a filing box.

I relayed to MIL that it had been hard piecing it together (in the hope that she would explain to DH and BIL what is what with her own affairs), but that's never happened. So, there are multiple investments, pensions and properties and when she dies BIL and DH will have no clue what is what. I guess we have to just hope that she is keeping good notes! But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

Her financial advisor should have an overview off all her assets and investments to aid the executor when the time comes

Good point, assuming she has one, and has left a note of who that is.

But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

She may not even leave her sons the money.

Yes.
I might have missed it, but does she in general have a good relationship with her sons? Is it a warm relationship, are you aware of any family dramas? Does she love the grandchildren/have an interest in them?

It's hard to imagine the dynamic going on. Of course she might just be an odd woman.

She won't want to face her own mortality. She's keeping herself occupied by spending her money and fun fun fun so she doesn't have to come to terms with the inevitable. Telling someone what to do once they are gone is a place some people find too scary maybe?

MIL may already gift to several charities that you are unaware of

Or even the brother and he’s just not told anyone .

I would not be able to leave my adult children struggling financially if I was well off. Adding up when she’ll most likely pop her clogs is equally disgusting.

She can indeed.
Bit mean spirited of her though

I could never watch my children suffer.....it's a good mothers job and instinct to protect her children....I'm flabbergasted you would judge op....I really am. I could not disagree with you more

And that's fine, that's you. I would help my kids too IF I was in a position to. But it doesn't mean you have right to someone else's money or to tell them what to do with it.

I'm flabbergasted you can't see or understand that and I could not disagree with you more.

This is where boomers get their bad reputation. Their parents hoped for better for them. They don't feel the same for their children. Something went wrong with this generation

Isn't it a mother's job and instinct to protect her juvenile offspring, not her middle-aged offspring?

I hope for your husband and his brothers' sake she hasn't left it all to her boyfriend