Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I’m sure the MIL isn’t stupid and know that the vultures are circling, even without being asked for money.

Vultures?

Her sons and grandchildren?

Who have never asked her for anything in their lives.

What kind of person even thinks like this? Imagine viewing your own children like this.

The absolute contempt you have shown on this thread for someone else’s children and grandchildren is beyond weird.

It’s her money until she decides otherwise.

And yes vultures who think they should have the money now.

Yet again who pays for future care costs if she gives it away?

I suppose it depends on MIL's lifestyle, it sounds like she likes a nice life. A quick Google Gemini search tells me that £500k only funds 2-4 years in a high end care home.

Somehow I don't see MIL's sons volunteering to be her carers in old age...

And actually I don’t see them with contempt. I just think it’s stupid to expect her to ignore her future needs. Will the sons support her if needed?

I would rather my parents enjoyed their money whilst they were alive (even more so if I didn’t have to try to pay for their care). But that’s clearly just me

My kids have managed to get themselves on the housing ladder in their early 20s without parental help. I think kids should be encouraged to stand on their own 2 feet once they leave education and not lean on mummy and daddy.

My point exactly! The money will be long gone by then.

Yanbu. I suppose we judge others by our own standards - if I had her wealth, I'd share some with DC and DGC. Even a relatively small amount would make a big difference!

She must have her reasons, maybe she feels spending on herself is more worthwhile or that DC would gamble or fritter it.

Do you have her money - have you brought up a family in privilege and have you experienced them expect you pay for everything whilst they give nothing in return, always with their hand out? The standards - how do you know they are the same?

I get it when people say it's her money she does what she like.
Also as a mother I could see my children struggle like that and me going off on holidays and having loads of cash sitting in my account .
What's the point of all that money if your child is struggling you know you can help but you don't.
Can MIL see her boy is living pay check to pay check?

Yes! But if they are trying and working really hard but still struggling as a mother you would help

I can’t recall where I heard this:

Money is like manure, you spread it around and it helps everything grow, put in a big pile and it stinks.

I agree anyone saying ‘not that much money’
is showing privilege, but the facts about care expenses are stark reality. And we close our eyes to the grimness of end of life care at council standards. Or ‘standards’.

As a society, we are in major denial. The detachment from reality goes both ways.,

In the end, you still hear about people in luxury care homes who have no visitors.
I suppose having people you’ve paid to be nice to you might be enough. But then, what if they’re ‘grabby’?

I could never see a situation where as an adult I’d be looking to my parents to subsidise my weekly expenses- what does that do to your relationship, your self esteem- it might be acceptable short term but what happens when your child won’t and can’t support themselves and expect you to subsidise them long term - I’d struggle with that.

Agree it feels like family who threaten to cut you off if you don’t fund their lifestyle might be better cut off. Inheritance might be better transferred to a charity than insincere relatives

It depends what kind of situation they are in.
If they are going crazy and spending money they haven't got and struggling then I wouldn't help.
But if u can see they are really trying and working hard and with my bit of help their life could be abit easier then why not.

Are you suggesting that the MIL should fund her sons now to buy their future loyalty?

She's not hoarding it; she is just not spending it how you would.
She has a right to do what she wants with her own money.
I guess both you and I would be generous with it, but she has to make her own choices.

Yanbu.

Mil isnt rich but she has some money. Sil is in debt up to her eyeballs. I honestly dont understand why, at the very least, mil wont lend her money at lower interest rates.

Very well written. Unfortunately, this poster, with her repeated posts on this thread, appears to be projecting something of her own situation and character. It is all coming across and resentful and cruel.

Having mental health difficulties and ending up on min wage is not a life choice!!!! Good grief! Have some empathy!

Having mental health challenges and then deciding to bring kids into the world is a choice - do we know which way around decisions were made here?

The whole question of whether generational wealth should be passed on is an interesting one- if you were given a leg up yourself then it would seem only human to do the same for the next generation, however millions of people who did well while we still had a vibrant economy did not start with any wealth- and really it seems to me if they built it up themselves it is entirely their choice whether to pass it on.
In my experience the expectation of receiving generational wealth tends to poison rather than enrich lives, so there is a question mark whether it is a good idea.

Could you help your BIL as you are so concerned about him?

Yes, I couldn't see my sibling struggle either.