Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I wonder if MIL will leave all her wealth to her partner? If it's a well established relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if she left most of it that way.

I won't judge the MIL since I haven't heard her side or reasoning.

I agree, it seems really puzzling and selfish with regards to the BIL. One wonders what her thought process could be, because it's certainly not a normal way to behave.

Obviously that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to do as she pleases, and it's noone else's place is to say anything.

I agree with principle of this - practically very hard in this economy. Where was this and what type of job are they doing? Did they not even live at home rent free? Where we are in south east a 2 bed standard terrace is £400k +. So even with a 40k deposit plus £5k stamp duty ftb 30 yr mortgage at 5% that's almost £2k a month (needing income of circa 80k) All my millennial friends who had a step up from parents are in much better position now than those with no help, even where their income is lower in a lot of cases. The next cohort the impact is even more pronounced. Well done to your kids! But they are an exception nowadays.

She's selfish and sounds very very tight.

I wouldn't have any respect for someone like this - watching her own family struggle while she flies business class. I can't imagine being like this. I'd distance myself from her tbh.

It’s possible to be both wealthy and selfish.

Thus proving you're only interested in her money, not her as a person, and confirming she's doing the right thing.

It's also possible to be poor and entitled.

It's not a question of being entitled to anything.

It's a question of, if you were a multi-millionaire and could easily help a struggling loved one in a way that would be significantly helpful for them, and no skin off your nose at all, would you?

One can judge someone's decision not too.

Nothing about being entitled to anything.

I've seen enough of life and that things are often not what they seem, to withhold any judgement of the wealthy woman unless I've heard her side of things. It's amazing how things that seem obvious can look very different when you get the other perspective.

Lol.

Yeah, that’s right. If your child distances themselves from you, don’t look at yourself. No, no, no. It’s because THEY ARE ONLY AFTER YOUR MONEY.

For fucks sake 😂

Well she’s clearly not hoarding it is she? She’s spending it having a lovely time and on lots of things she wants.

She’s just not giving it away to her sons.

The poster I was replying to made it clear they would be distancing themselves due to lack of being given money. So yes, all about the money for that one. I don't need people like that in my life.

There are lots of good reasons to distance yourself from people, including parents, but entitlement to their stuff shouldn't be one of them.

Entitlement to someone’s stuff isn’t the same as being upset that your multi-millionaire parent is happy to stand back and watch you have to dress your children in second hand clothing.

That is most definitely a very, very good reason to distance yourself from
a parent.

If she lives like this, what makes you think she would leave her children anything??

Having not heard the reasoning of the parent, I'll withhold judgement until then. Which obviously won't happen.

You really think SIL would pay her back?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions,

Husband's Mum lived to 96. Wouldn't sell the house and move to something smaller. Had her two single sons living with her until the end so that she could "look after my boys". The two married sons with children were tolerated by their brothers.

When she died the house was sold and split between her sons. One of the singles was the executor and ballsed it up. Paid out the inheritances and a year later wanted money back to cover the taxes. My husband had asked if they estate was settled and was assured that it was. A million is a million.

Turns out the two singles wanted their money to buy their own places and couldn't wait. The two married brothers had learnt to live within their means over the years.

Yes, it would have been nice to have some help earlier. I mean the singles lived for free with their Mum. No rent, no food money. They did the garden. So they had ample funds to save.

When the funds arrived in our chequing account, the husband gave each of our sons 10% of his inheritance to give them a start.

Just today, he said that the money came too late for us and that he's glad his Mum had a long life. Our mortgage was paid, our cars were paid and he'd retired when the funds arrived.

So yes, we travel.

How have you reached that conclusion from what the pp posted?

Do you honestly think that children distance themselves from their parents because they are jealous of their money? Any parent whose child distances themselves should be questioning their own behaviour because, in most of these situations, the parent is chiefly at fault. Besides, if the pp were to distance herself because of the MIL's behaviour (see post, which comments on her being selfish, stingy and not someone she can respect for the reasons given), she likely wouldn't receive any £££. How does that square with your conclusions? I'm afraid your post makes no sense.

Neither does yours. Most people wouldn't step away simply because they aren't being given money by an older relative. Most have good reasons for sure. However, there's always a few bad apples and there are some people in the world who would distance themselves because they aren't given what they think they are due when they have no entitlement to it. Those are the kind of people I am talking about that I am better off without in my life. That's the rubbish taking itself out.

General stinginess and a one sided relationship are different to an expectation of being handed wads of cash though.

I'm going to reserve judgement on the MIL. I've seen it so many times at work where I hear one side of something and it sounds so true and plausible. Then I hear the other side or get wider context and suddenly the reasoning of the party who appears to be wrong is very fair and sound.

I'm willing to bet that MIL is going to leave the bulk of it to her partner anyway. Probably a token payment to her children. Just guessing.

It's her money, though, and her life? Just because you're in proximity to it doesn't mean you're entitled to it? Maybe she knew her children and their partners would be this way and that's why she makes you all fend for yourselves?

Exactly. Most DC who 'step away' do so for good reasons, after years of bad treatment and perhaps abuse. What you say about stepping away because of not receiving money that you think you are entitled to makes no sense, as I already said. The sort of people who are only interested in a relative because of their money would logically do the opposite of what you have stated. They would make sure to stay in touch and flatter said relative even if they hated them!

It does sound as if you are doing a lot of projecting here and throwing out your rubbish. It sounds as if you feel that you have been badly treated and are now resentful and suspicious of people.

I think you're the mother in law, or cut from the same cloth.

Sounds like a miserable life, hoarding wealth while watching your offspring struggle in a rental house.

She didn't even earn it - it was gifted to her.

Well, yes, that would definitely be another approach. Suck up and hope it pays off at the end. I personally wouldn't want to be that kind of person. I have some integrity.

I have never asked my parents for anything, and we have really struggled at times. I've even told them they should spend all their money on a big trip if that's what they wanted. I'm not materially driven. I can't imagine feeling that they should 'do' for me, because they have more.

I'm not resentful or suspicious of people. I'm not a big fan of people in general and keep a small and tight circle, but I don't give people that much power in my life that they give me unrest either.

My MIL recently gave us some money. We could have traveled, done some work on the house, paid off the remaining mortgage or whatever else would be helpful, but we didn't. We paid off our children's student loans with most of it because that gives them the most free start to adult life. We want to make it as easy as possible for them. I remember how uncomfortable the student loan was for me and the pressure it put me under. I don't even know if there is more to come when she dies, or not, and I don't care. My children have a great attitude to such gifts though, and it was appreciated, not something they felt we owed them.

I don't think it would have been wrong if we had decided to do otherwise. I had to pay off my own student loans and build everything I have with no help. I want to do differently for my children but someone else who feels a different way isn't wrong to make different choices for whatever reason is right for them.

And you'd be wrong. See what I wrote in my previous post:

My MIL recently gave us some money. We could have traveled, done some work on the house, paid off the remaining mortgage or whatever else would be helpful, but we didn't. We paid off our children's student loans with most of it because that gives them the most free start to adult life. We want to make it as easy as possible for them. I remember how uncomfortable the student loan was for me and the pressure it put me under. I don't even know if there is more to come when she dies, or not, and I don't care. My children have a great attitude to such gifts though, and it was appreciated, not something they felt we owed them.

That is my choice. I don't think someone is wrong if they make a different choice for whatever reason is right for them.

Good for you that you have integrity and chose to gave your MIL's gift to your children. That was generous of you. In my opinion, that would be the response of any kind and loving parent. In this situation, the MIL is the opposite, despite her having been gifted (gifted, not earned) many, many multiples of the wealth that you were gifted. No decent, loving parent, even decent human being, would be happy to live a lavish lifestyle while their DC struggled.

'I'm not a big fan of people in general and keep a small and tight circle, but I don't give people that much power in my life that they give me unrest either.'
This really does come across in your posts. It sounds as if you have a innate dislike of people in general and are naturally distrusting (suspicious). I don't feel like that at all. I like people in the main, and my DC more than anyone else, so would not dream of behaving as this MIL does.