Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

She would. There are other factors at play too but didnt want to go into detail. Totally fair point in some situations, but not this one.

I generally feel neutral towards most people. I do tend to say I'm not that fond of people, but I do actually tend to like the people I meet, so maybe I aren't as neutral as I like to say I am. Doesn't matter. I'm good to people and helpful and generous, so no big deal. People are all deserving of being treated kindly, though I don't have much sympathy for people who won't help themselves (note: won't, not can't). If anything I've had to learn not to be too generous because I have very much learned that there are a lot of people who will use you for your generosity. So I am much more cautious these days.

You don't know what you are reading in people's posts, even if you think you do. What you will be reading in mine is actually burnout from caregiving everyone. I just don't have the emotional energy to give lout ike I used to. I also have my own health issues so have become more self contained. Nothing wrong with that.

No, I wouldn't behave like this MIL but we don't know her side of the story, so I'm not going to judge her either.

Presumably BIL had reasonable life opportunities similar to his brother, and as a mother who has taken advantage of her opportunities and expanded her wealth she’s set that example. I’m wondering why BIL is living pay cheque to pay cheque and what stopped him getting his life in order before having children? It’s easy to post enough to imply she’s just mean and unkind, but it’s her money and she’s possibly got her own reasons for not bailing him out.

Given I have no skin in the game, you are the one projecting.

I am still waiting for someone to explain how she funds potential care needs in the future if she gives a load of it away?

My MiL’s care was £6,500 per month.

And you are right. Without her own money, ‘we’ - the tax payer will have to fund MiL’s care - though most likely the LA will instigate the process of claiming the money back under deprivation of assets.

The Deprivation of Assets process, claiming the money back , however, also costs the tax payer in LA staff time, legal fees etc.

There will also be tax implications. None of us can simply ‘give away’ huge sums of money.

Thank you! I honestly thought I was missing something, as nobody seems to have thought about that.

The woman is a multi millionaire. She can afford future care.
Noone is saying she should give away all her wealth.

So how much should she give away to give herself future care costs? She could need care for years or she could live perfectly healthy and want to be able to live how she wants. Either way that costs money.

We’ve asked OP for details of liquid assets beyond the £500K and she hasn’t responded.
MILs net worth exclusive of her house is unclear.

If some of her properties are mortgage free and residential - again we don’t know - one thing it seems she might be able to do is offer BIL an affordable rent in one of them.

But although I agree that superficially it sounds possible that MIL is in a position both to put aside money for her own care and to help BIL (to what extent is unclear) now, I can also imagine a situation where her only realisable assets are her house and that £500K. In that case I understand why she doesn’t want to deplete it substantially now.

Exactly this, just because he lives his life like this shouldn’t give his mother an obligation to wipe his arse.

Actually, MIL has never, ever been poor. Her parents were very, very rich. They had several businesses. MIL had a Nanny and the family home was what you would describe as a mansion - they even had "staff". She was gifted a large property and a business by her parents, long before they died. Then when they did die, she got a good inheritance. Then she pulled the ladder up behind her.

Just to clear up about her sons. No drugs, no alcoholism or anything like that. Both very hardworking, always have been. Yes, BIL and SIL are in minimum wage jobs, but they are very worthwhile jobs, that have been a "calling", like care.

I have said this before, but will repeat.....NO ONE has ever asked MIL for money or even hinted at it. I do raise an eyebrow at the lack of help, when she could give it so freely, but that has NEVER been said to MIL. EVER. So, to PP who said that I would appear as grabby to MIL, sorry but that's nonsense. Unless she now reads minds. And even then, is it really grabby to judge someone for not doing for her children, what was done for her? I have focused mainly on BIL, but make no mistake, DH could have retired by now, if he had had any help. And he's bloody knackered!

What less than economically wise decisions? It’s absurd for her to judge people who have less when she didn’t even earn her own money. Like some other poster said, people who are handed wealth often create a narrative that they actually earned it.

It’s none of your business what she does with her money. Great you have provided for your own children but you can’t expect others to do the same.

There could be a whole host of reasons why, maybe she’s stingy, maybe BIL has history of poor money management but you can’t expect anyone else to behave like you.

BIL needs to sort himself out as everyone else does.

I think the issue is that mil didn’t just start from nothing she was handed a large amount and has built on that.

What I don’t get with this sort of set up where people who have been handed a start in life by parents transferring some of their wealth over to their children why these people don’t do the same for their children.
It would make perfect financial sense to do so.

When mil dies around 50% of what she has will go to the government.

Even if being given a sum of money each and it was used to pay off the mortgage, the help that would give and the change to both her children and her grandchildren's lives would be enormous.
Just transferring the lowest worth property to each of her children for them to manage and teaching them how to grow a business from that. The extra income would again make a difference

If each generation does similar to mil then the only people getting rich will be the government as after each death 1/2 will go to the government and with each generation and the family expanding the share of money each individual receives will be less and less

I have seen the conclusion of this sort of thing. Where the father was given half of a successful business his parents had started. They taught him from the ground up what needed to be done and how to run it.

He took over the company when they retired and although he had his children working for the company, they were never given any stake in the company and never taught how to run the business. So when he died and his children took over they hadn’t a clue what to do apart from their jobs.Add to that the company owned all of their houses and they were paid very little because the company picked up all of the bills

There were many strands to the business and whilst they tried their hardest to keep it afloat within 3 years it was haemorrhaging money and they called in the receivers. Losing their homes and jobs

So a successful business after 50+ years became defunct because although the father was handed part of the business and his parents spent years teaching him every aspect of the business, the son didn’t do the same for his children.

Whilst I don’t believe in handing out huge sums of cash to young people, there are ways and means to still have control

Gatekeeping/hoarding money whilst not teaching your children how to acquire more or keep intact what generations of hardwork had produced is just not good financial sense.

It’s her money. If BIL chose to have kids in reduced circumstances that’s on him.

It's worth having a chat with her about inheritance tax, my experience with people like this is they get enraged at the thought of paying their fair share of tax and it may prompt her to help your BIL out now.

But when she dies 50% of it becomes the governments money

Anyone who will gladly give the government 50% of their wealth whilst watching their children struggle must really hate their children or they are really very stupid.

This!

She will be dead. She won’t care.

Perhaps she would rather pay 50% in tax (to benefit a lot more potentially) than be a constant cash point for her son because he can’t afford to support the family he chose to have.

In fact take it a step further and she’s paying back the taxpayer for helping to support her son and his family.

Yes mil can do what she likes with her money but if she’s that minted it’s strange not to want to help your children while you’re still alive. Especially as she was helped by her parents.

I don't think it's strange when the pattern of behaviour shows she didn't like/care/support her children from a young age.

Weirdly this has reminded me that even Donald Trump, who inherited millions, has helped his kids. He probably even paid for their driving lessons.

agree, she will do what she wants and when it's her money. Make your own or wait.

An extremely wealthy woman who became rich through being gifted money and a functioning business and through inheritance (i.e. not due to her own hard work), who is comfortable seeing her small grandchildren in second hand clothes and who won't even put her hand in her pocket to buy them some decent new outfits, must surely be self-absorbed to a pathological level not to have a twinge of conscience about the living conditions of her son and his children.

Unless there is a back story of MIL's sons being gamblers or alcoholics or criminals, in which case I doubt that OP would have posted on here, I think that MIL's reasoning is just that it is her money and she wants to spend it on herself and her boyfriend. I don't think that it is any deeper than that.

People who are far from wealthy give money and clothes/toys to charity to help children in struggling families that they don't even know. They do more for complete strangers than MIL does for her own family.

That's brilliant! I think there's a few people who could take heed of this!

@thepariscrimefiles Agreed!