Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

So if she gave her money away to her feckless family, who pays for her future care if she needs it? Because they expect her to pass it on because she didn’t ‘earn’ it but would the family pay for her care? I’m guessing not. Assuming they even have any left, because it’s clearly okay for them to spend money they didn’t earn

@DimeADozen yes I didn’t make it clear. I was talking about the attitude of the OP but it wouldn’t let me edit it.

The points still stand.

@CliantheLang

How dare any woman think she's entitled to enjoy her own money on her own terms. And she has a lover? The fucking nerve of her! I'll bet the bitch even refused to give up working to raise her GCs so her sons and daughters-in-law wouldn't have to! I'm having conniptions just thinking about it...

Despite your totes hilaire little speech there ^ I'm just gobsmacked that a woman with MILLIONS of pounds is happily letting her adult children struggle financially, with all the stress and difficulty that causes, while she lolly-gags about like Lady Muck enjoying all her money. But that's just me. Caring about other people. I can't help myself.

@poetryandwine

You laugh, but it is 6 or 7 years of fees to a decent care home. It will b 5 or fewer before this MIL’s time. That’s without buying clothes, eating meals out, hair care or any discretionary purchases whatsoever.

Oh come ON!!! Anyone saying half a MILLION pounds is 'not that much money' is properly showing their privilege.

@DrTosh

Absolutely. Median savings for people approaching retirement are nowhere near £500k, so calling it ‘not much’ comes across a bit detached from reality.

Exactly!

Exaclty. Appalling behaviour from the OP's mother in law IMO.

You don’t care about the MIL. Say she gives the majority of the money to her sons, if she needs care, who pays? The BIL presumably still won’t have a pot to piss on and the OP feels she’s entitled to it

It’s her reality as a rich old lady!

I did say I’d get flamed 😁

@zov it totally depends on what you do with that money. We earn a lot of money but it is non negotiable that a chunk of that is for me to invest for our future. As is the kids school fees and holidays we want to do, as well as jewellery or watches and anything else we chose to do.

We do put a lot of money aside for the kids in ISA’s and pensions but the kids have already been told that if they piss it away they sacrifice any right to anything else as it will just show they have the wrong mentality

Well.... I don't care as much about a woman with multiple millions of pounds, and expensive assets, and an expensive property, who is over privileged, and spoilt, and has inheritances, who gives zero shits about her own flesh and blood and is happy to see them suffer.

But that's just me. I care about under privileged and downtrodden people who are down on their luck, especially when they have selfish, mean spirited family members who won't hand out a penny to them to help their suffering and misery.

You do you though.

Second hand clothes and no holidays is not going to damage them for life. The responsibility to provide is on the parents who presumably decided to have them even though they apparently can’t afford them.

She knows that if she needs care she will have to pay for it and that everyone resents her for not passing everything to them. I ask again - who would pay for that if she gives money away?

What I find genuinely funny is that people say how people will say mean things about her. She will be dead so why would she care.

And if she gives it away then has care fees? Can nobody answer that?

I think it’s ok to only leave my kids £1mill between them when I kick the bucket. I think it’s also ok that I take business class flights to ease my aching bones and enjoy my last few years travelling the world. I think if my kids have got a big problem with their mum enjoying their last few years, then I’ll think of another way to deal with that lingering pesky £1mill they would have been left to deal with - I don’t expect much - but I won’t put up with bad manners or threats - walk away if that’s what suits you.

Lord, Mother Theresa is alive and posting on Mumsnet!

Rich? £500k cash isn’t that much, remember?

Bil should have considered his income and size of house before he had multiple children he couldn’t afford 🤷‍♀️

You sure she has the wealth you think?
If so I find it very strange she wouldn’t help her children or they wouldn’t benefit in any way.

Maybe he shouldn't have done. It's not the kids' fault though and OP's MIL sounds like a selfish tight-fisted arsehole. When they go out for a meal, OP and her husband always pick up the bill because her MIL never puts her hand in her pocket. Extremely wealthy people are often pathologically tight-fisted, apart from treating themselves of course.

Omg you really have no idea how generational wealth works - the children also effectively safeguard it for the next generation (so dont spend whatever they like unless they massively add to the family wealth) and it makes everyones life a bit easier. Someone above had perfect analogy - it's a pass the parcel and the mil has run off with the present on her turn rather than just taking the wrapping off. No one is saying mil will care about opinions and based on OPs description I'm sure she doesn't! And at no point are they gold diggers as OP clearly explains no one has ever asked for money. Where did you get that from?

I’m not talking about the £500k, I’m talking about her total assets. I’m not sure that was a gotcha moment

Agree. ^

Agree with you too @Pange79 (Your post at 20.51.)

It's unfathomable isn't it? Some people think the MIL's behaviour is OK though. Baffling isn't it?

Yes I do understand
but thanks for patronising me,

I’m sure the MIL isn’t stupid and know that the vultures are circling, even without being asked for money.

But YET AGAIN how does MIL find potential care costs in the future if she gives it to her kids now rather than when she dies?

She is not obligated to pass it over now. And she presumably needs money to live and to prepare for her future care needs?

Okay can someone explain how she would fund future care if she needs it? So will one of her sons take her in? Seems unlikely.

And do you honestly think BIL and SIL will keep the money to pass down?

Poverty very much damages people for life.

Nothing that the OP has posted suggests in any way that BIL is putting any responsibility on his mother to provide for his children. He has never asked her for anything and is providing for his children to the best of his ability.

You have called the BIL feckless. Again, nothing the OP has posted suggests that the BIL is feckless. Having a low paid job isn’t feckless. Not everyone is blessed with brains, ability or skills.

You have called her children and their spouses grabby, yet nothing the OP has posted suggests they are. They have never asked her for anything.

The fact is, that the MIL is a woman who could make a difference to her children and grandchildren’s standard of life, without affecting her own ability to pay for her care, but chooses not to.

To most people, this is incomprehensible. Yet you are cheering her on as if she is some kind of hero.

What I find genuinely funny is that people say how people will say mean things about her. She will be dead so why would she care.

I really don’t see why you find this funny.

If you were to ask the MIL how she wishes to be remembered, or the legacy she wishes to leave behind, I’m not sure this would be it. I doubt anyone would willingly wish to be remembered in this way.

@Vivi0 Exactly! Put very well there!