Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

You appear to have missed the second paragraph that began ‘I’m not saying her money shouldn’t have paid for her care’

Is she asking to be looked after? She has enough money to get good quality care. And if she gave it all to her sons and their geabby wives then how would she afford it then? You can bet your life OP and the family wouldn’t help then

YANBU in my view, as I would not see my children struggle (assuming they were trying their best to get on, of course), while I had more than enough to meet my own needs and plenty besides.

But I’ve grown up in a family where people share and help out, across générations, and think that normal and even pleasurable! But to read many thread here, you’d think that a stranger, minority view, if not down right irresponsible.

She sounds totally selfish, yanbu.

Like you say she's pulled the ladder up behind her. Lots like them unfortunately.

But she’s not responsible for the life choices of her children, even one who is bringing up children on min wage

Does it occur to you that the grabby entitled nature of some people makes it less likely they will be helped? They are usually the same people who demand childcare etc.

That’s so true , have you ever noticed that the food bank basket in places like Waitrose and Sainsbury is always empty but Lidl and Asda ones are always full .
I grew up in the equivalent of my country to a council estate and went on to actually do ok and have a good profession , not rich by any means but we have our comforts and holidays etc and I dream about a Euro million so I could help all our families and friends .

Of course she doesn't HAVE to. But the OPs point was that she SHOULD pass on generational wealth which she hasn't earned herself in order to help the next generation whilst being in a position of relative wealth. As pps have said - wealth creates wealth. She is effectively ending / seriously damaging her family's continued prosperity that she herself benefitted from. As OP stated its exactly pulling up the ladder behind you. Her grandchildren will miss out on all the wonderful opportunities that money could have provided and she'll be remembered for the scrooge that she is (or forgotten about more likely).

My late GM owned many properties and could have easily gifted one to us and my sibling, did offer to sell them with a 5% discount !.. They were in very bad condition and we couldnt afford to do them up as so bad....eventually sold them off cheap to fund holidays and the last 2 were sold to pay iht taxes, my mum inherited one which was a wreck and sold it to help her retirement as had no pension...i have learnt that families dont always help out and not to expect anything.

I’m sure she won’t care. So she should give her wealth to her children and yet they can spend it as they like. How does that even work? If they didn’t earn it either then they don’t have the right to it either.

It is clear that they are all waiting for her to die. How vile is that - being gold diggers isn’t a good look. My parents aren’t rich but aren’t badly off - I will probably have an inheritance of some description at some point but would rather them be alive and kicking than have their money.

Once she’s dead, why would she care about their opinions 🤣

And presumably BIL and his wife have at some point decided to have a family on low wages - totally valid but they can’t then expect their mother to bail them out

@hoardingwealth some the answers you are getting are absolutely ridiculous. You have stated repeatedly that you’ve asked for nothing . Your mils behaviour is just shocking and I’m assuming she wasn’t and isn’t much of a mother . I would take a step back if I were your bil and your dh. The idea of watching my dcs suffer while I live in wealth and opulence is absolutely bizarre and just completely wrong . Pp arguing with you are going so to be contrary , it’s common on mn.
I would give to strangers in these circumstances, let alone my own dcs . Some people also just don’t want to acknowledge or admit that they’ve had a huge help up the ladder and reframe it as their own hard work when it’s nothing of the sort. We won’t have a cent in inheritance due to many reasons (in-laws broke -could actually cost us money but we’ll make sure they can’t ) amd my family have nothing to leave due to many factors. We have zero support in any capacity. I would give the coat of my back for the kids and absolutely go without . I will never understand those who don’t and think they are an absolute disgrace .

It’s easy to give away other people’s money.

MIL clearly isn’t stupid. It’s going to be fairly obvious that her grasping family are expecting her to prop them up and are waiting for her to die.

Once she’s dead, why would she care about their opinions 🤣

I’m not sure what’s so funny about watching your grandchildren grow up in poverty whilst you keep your wealth for you and your boyfriend.

I’m not sure what’s so funny about making clear to your children and grandchildren that you don’t give one single fuck about their struggles in life.

I’m not sure what’s so funny about your grandchildren wearing second hand clothing and never having experienced a holiday in their life, whilst you fly around the world in first class.

Am I missing the joke?

Anyway, what a legacy to leave behind.

It might be she has reasons for not helping your BIL (I say this because of an in-law who had drug issues), whether you agree or not, and maybe she doesn't want to be seen as interfering. In her shoes, I would want to offer my kids something, but I would worry about their partners calling me interfering, or alternatively, we've all heard stories about a spouse divorcing someone and taking all their money, even when the house was purchased by their parents.
Luckliy, I'm not rich, so that's one problem I'm unlikely to have when they grow up!
Or maybe she genuinely doesn't realise how much harder life is for present generations.

Does your BIL spend much time with her? Do they have a close relationship? Do you and your DH? These things make a difference

I know, right. After all cows are made to be milked.

How dare any woman think she's entitled to enjoy her own money on her own terms. And she has a lover? The fucking nerve of her!

I'll bet the bitch even refused to give up working to raise her GCs so her sons and daughters-in-law wouldn't have to!

I'm having conniptions just thinking about it...

Could be she doesn’t realise but more likely she doesn’t feel duty bound to prop up her adult children and their (less than economically wise) decisions

half a million in cash is not that much when you get older

🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂😂

Well it wouldn’t be much if she had to fork it over to her grabby family

Yep. That made me LOL too. I am 'older,' and I would LOVE half a mill! It is definitely NOT 'not that much.'

Does that make sense? 😆

And certainly isn’t with a six bedroom, six bathroom mansion to pay council tax on and maintain inside and out. @Justbloodydoit

You laugh, but it is 6 or 7 years of fees to a decent care home. It will b 5 or fewer before this MIL’s time. That’s without buying clothes, eating meals out, hair care or any discretionary purchases whatsoever.

British society is crap at thinking about end of life. Most people have no idea how grim council funded care can be. I suppose people are too terrified to think about it.

I am thinking of her at this very difficult time. 😢

Absolutely. Median savings for people approaching retirement are nowhere near £500k, so calling it ‘not much’ comes across a bit detached from reality.

How is this a reply to my post? The situation you’re describing isn’t ours at all; we don’t do “minimum wage jobs” (but plenty of people do work extremely hard in very important roles that aren’t recompensed accordingly and there would be anything wrong with with it if we did). It’s not always easy or even possible to “get out of” a job into a better paid one, everyone has different circumstances and factors that affect the work they’re able to take on.

I also don’t think we’re “grabby arseholes” for feeling my husband’s great aunties and uncles who didn’t have children and left everything to their nephew might be disappointed that their hard earned money is being used by his widow to play favourites between his children and is likely to end up being spent on drink, drugs and gambling (the relatives were apparently very religious and they definitely wouldn’t have spent money on those things themselves). We’ve never asked for or expected any “handouts”, my point was about generational wealth, the in-laws didn’t “build themselves up” at all they barely worked as the inheritances meant they didn’t need to and they gave my DH very little growing up (e.g. poor nutrition, lack of dental care) despite being well able to afford those things, because they are/ were very selfish.