Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Could you ask her to help bil?

She very clearly has failed as a mother as OP has said that her MIL is amused by her own children's financial struggles and misfortunes. She sounds hideous.

I completely agree with you OP. You think it would bring her pleasure to help out her children. You’re not being grabby, just merely wondering how one person who has had so much financial help, doesn’t pass some on to her kids.

Is she on the whole a nice woman? Could you talk to her? Could you just mention in passing how it’s tough for BIL what with petrol prices and COL? If you think she won’t budge there’s no point in bringing it up, but I totally agree that elderly people can completely miss the boat when dishing out inheritance - you need some now, not in twenty years.

Maybe MIL knows something about BIL that isn't being revealed here: drugs; gambling habit; frequenter of prostitutes, haribo habit, alcoholic, hoarder, maybe she suspects that he'll blow it all on videos of Kerry Katona from her Only Fannies site (she claims to have made millions)... Allegedly Huw Edwards spent £35K on pictures of teenage boys wanking... One can't begin to imagine.

MIL may have very good reason.

Unless she leaves it to charity. That happened in my family, though there was far less money involved.

Ah, MIL has secret knowledge that no one else in the family has ever discovered, or has ever has suspicions about.

Couldn’t just be that MIL is a cunt.

It could be that as well.

You have a very strange attitude to family if you think it's absolutely fine for OP's multi-millionaire MIL to refuse to help one of her sons who is in pretty dire financial straits while berating OP and her husband for not stepping up to help BIL when they don't have the money to do this.

She does sound stingy, but then you are actively calculating when she might die in order to get your hands on her money. So she may have the measure of how much you care about her and not feel like sharing with you, via your husband.

Look, I am in a fortunate position that my parents and in-laws share their wealth. Not the millions we’re talking about in your case, but enough to make us all comfortable. They’re both of the view that they’d prefer to see us enjoy it than wait until they’re dead.

However, it isn’t the fault of your MIL that BIL isn’t doing well, why isn’t he doing well? Why is he on the breadline. What is he doing to better his position. Did he have his children knowing he couldn’t afford them? It’s his job to help himself, no one else’s.

Your DH can do a deed of variation to change whatever bequest he has from his parents which would allow him to pass money onto the DC without paying inheritance tax again. https://www.gov.uk/alter-a-will-after-a-death

Even if that was the case - which I doubt - in such a scenario I'd want to do things to benefit my grandchildren. I'd be buying them clothes, treating them for birthdays and Christmas, taking them on holidays and outings.

MIL sounds miserable and deeply unpleasant.

I'd bet that if he was unfortunate enough to experience a downturn in his health, he'd expect you to help him out. Happens so often with people like this, who are then astonished that you don't immediately want to run around for them. Make sure you're busy if and when this happens.

Wealthy people “never have enough ££££”, according to our solicitor.

I need add, rich people have absolutely zero concept of economising or understanding what it’s like to attempt to live with only just enough money.

And even if it was the case, she also doesn’t help out her other son (OP’s DH) who definitely hasn’t got gambling, drug or booze issues.

Lovely and generous as it would be for her to help her children and grandchildren out now( I would and I have, having been in a similar position)- sadly you can’t make her think differently.
All you can do is set boundaries about what you’ll be doing for her in the future.

To be fair Haribo are expensive, I waste a fortune on them.

It’s the son though not OP. Are you saying you wouldn’t help out your own children if you were in a position to?

Op I hear what you are saying.
I think a huge part of it is people who have never struggled for money become misers.

The most generous people are those with very little.

It's absolutely the weirdest thing. Scrounge is real. Hording money doesn't make people happy it leads to misery.

The only thing you can do is suggest to MIL that maybe she could consider gifting some money to avoid Inheritance Tax when she's gone.

Sounds like a). You didn’t need the leg up & b). Its not your concern how other people spend their money.

she isn’t hoarding.

No but he married someone who does appear a tad grabby

Tricky as I see both sides of this tbh.

On one hand I think people should live within their means and not rely on others. I have always been financially independent since leaving home at 18.
I also see first hand what can happen when the hand outs start with my brother. It hasn't stopped and at 43 he still pressures my mum for money pleading poverty and debt collectors whilst buying the latest apple watch etc.

Flip side my DHs Granny ended up very wealthy in her 90s and would give out cheques randomly. She's definitely set up children up with 15k each just for being born!

I do belive in setting up funds for children but that it comes with clauses for use.

It does sound like she's unlikely to change however so not much point dwelling on it.

But it’s literally got nothing to do with her. BIL and DIL have made their lives and the DMIL isn’t responsible for that

The mil is not being a miser or a scrounger either - she spends her money - it seems quite liberally too -the problem is just not on the op!

I cannot believe some of the responses on here! Minimum wage workers aren’t “wasters” or anything like that. They’re people who keep the world turning.