Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Well there is no way of knowing that. What we do know is that the MIL is very stingy, selfish and happy to see her children struggle. You could hardly blame them for taking steps back from such a person.
There is surely a balance between children achieving things (why do you only focus on the financial here btw?) and being a kind and generous person.

I hate the MN 'it's her money she can do what she likes with it' contrarianism.

Yes, of course - but just because she can, doesn't mean she should, and if she does, she's not a very nice person.

Her behaviour is her choice - your judgement is yours.

My son is on minimum wage because that’s all that’s out there for him. He graduated coming up two year’s ago and has already been made redundant once. Hopefully he won’t always be minimum wage, but it's a hard slog trying to earn a decent wage in today’s job climate.

Sil and her dh were apparently skint - couldn't afford heating - house was always freezing and couldn't afford to give their dcs pocket money etc. Mil gave them money to help out - gave their kids pocket money etc. When sil got divorced it became apparent that they weren't so skint after all - they had £250k in savings🤔 - the absolute shame of them pleading poverty and taking money from MIL (it wasn't just MIL btw - everyone subsidized them - they didn't pay for drinks, takeaways, meals - never could afford anything), some people have a brass neck!

How do you know how much money she has if it’s never spoken about?
how do you know how she’s funding everything? How do you know her partner isn’t funding everything, like holidays for example?

She might not be stingy. She might give loads away to charity. If that is happening, she will have a reason she isn't giving it to her children instead. Only she knows why that is but I'm sure she'd have a reason. I'm just trying to suggest some possibilities.

People saying she can spent her cash how she likes, yes, of course, but how sad to have, for example, all these luxury holidays per year, but the kids of DH’s brother never go anywhere. If it was me, it would give me so much joy to help out kids and grandkids out if I was able to.

If he's only graduated two years ago, he's just starting out anyway.

You are desperately trying to defend the MIL for no reason. I'm sure she has her reason. None of them do her any credit though.

I wouldn't domit to my children but some ppl are like that . Yes she's a arsehole imo but what do you do .

I agree with you. If you inherit lots, it's only fair to return the favour in due course.
Of course she can do as she pleases, but it's no credit to her to not share something to her very much less well off kids.

I'm not trying to defend her, though I will defend her right to spend her money how she wants. I just think she must have a reason she's doing things the way she is. Sometimes things can seem black and white until you hear the other side, then it does all make sense. Unless MIL replies, we'd never know.

I wouldn't do what she is doing. My children will be and are taken care of very well, even beyond my death. I'm also generous with my parents. I do support the right of other people to do things differently though.

You have no right to your MIL’s wealth, or any say in how she spends it.

The same applies to any third party.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5516495-should-my-husband-be-asking-my-parents-for-inheritance-money-now?reply=151788393

Interesting parallels...

Everyone is entitled to spend their money how they want but I think its normal and yes somewhat expected that parents help their children when they can.
I honestly don't see how you could have adult children (assuming no major issues/dramas) and not help them if you have enough to live comfortably yourself.

I say that as a childfree person who very much enjoys spending all my money on myself!

I know someone who receives small amounts of money (eg £5/£10) from their mum as gifts to grandchildren. And her mum is on benefits with six other children.

A recent asset was sold for £500k. Partner does not have the same kind of money. Without going into specifics, we know that MIL pays for most of their holidays and meals out.

I’m with you, OP. And perhaps differently from others, I wouldn’t care if my money had come from inheritance or working - the idea that I would leave my children and grand children to suffer in relative poverty when I was in a position to fix it, is completely bizarre to me. What is the point of money if not to help your family?

Wouldn’t you voice your reasons to your kids though if a) you had a healthy relationship with them and b) if the disparity between your lifestyle and theirs was very obvious. We don’t know all the ins and outs obviously, but just looking at it purely surface level it all seems a bit Scrooge-like.

My mother experienced this with her own parents. She had no idea the amount of money and assets they were sitting on. It came from her father’s family and both he and his sister lived extremely modestly.

When they both passed and she and her sister inherited she was sad that her parents couldn’t see the benefit of the money. It had just sat in bank accounts etc for years. My mother subsequently cut her working hours, which is time she could have spent with her parents and young children. I was the only one still at home and was pretty occupied with the last years of school so didn’t really benefit from her time.

She has made sure to pass the money to us early for university, deposits, weddings and savings for grandchildren.

Maybe he’s bleeding her dry?

You can spend your cash how you like, but it doesn’t stop you from being a cunt if you are spending it on unnecessary luxuries and your children and grandchildren are struggling.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I think with a healthy communicative relationship, you'd be well aware of why she's not helping out, without having to ask. I know, from my upbringing, how my parents view money and so on, so I could take a good guess as what drives their decisions.

I suspect there is some sort of issue there for a mother with so much wealth to not help her children more.

You sound very grabby. No one is entitled to an inheritance. I’d leave it to a dog shelter before I’d leave it to you personally

Well, aren't you a peach?

Very sad indeed that she doesn't want to help her children. I'm guessing if she was young again she wouldn't have any as thats acceptable now but wasn't back then.