Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

No I haven’t seen it.

Although I would give my kids a big leg up financially if I could, it’s still nice to know there’s a lot of love and support for the older, wealthy, dare I say, ‘boomer’ on here. 😂

Maybe she's trying to protect herself from conditional relationships? See who is there in the end and is genuine enough to deserve to inherit?

"Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance"

OP definitely needs to look at the English law on inheritance. She could be in for a nasty schock. If MIL doesn't particularly like her children, she may well leave all her money to charity or friends.

I wouldn’t blame her one bit tbh

So you think she is manipulative as well as stingy and selfish? You are only adding to her faults.

Both can be true. I support her to do what she wants with her money, how she wants to. I also can't imagine not helping my children in her position.

Imagine the hate for a wealthy child not helping their poorer parents.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Of course they have, there's a grabby poster on here every couple of days about the same thing.

I agree op. We don’t have loads of money (slightly above minimum wage and around 10k in savings) but we regularly treat our kids (2 adult couples) if we are fortunate to inherit from my parents and dhs parents. We will help dc out

Maybe, but I am aware (not from personal experience) that having money brings all sorts of fake people around you who want to benefit. It's hard to make genuine friendships. That much isn't about being manipulative. It's about not wanting fake relationships. If I ever did come by lots of money I'd hide it for that reason.

There wouldn’t be any. As far as most posters are concerned, obligation only goes one way.

So you label her children as 'fake people'. What a horrible thing to say. This woman, with her inherited wealth, has always been stingy. She didn't even pay for her children's driving lessons.

Just wow. Four months of living at your expense, while you helped her recuperate and wouldn't even cough up for a takeaway? I'm sorry for your DH having such a horrible, tightwad for a mother. And owns all those properties. Truly dreadful.

Hoarding?
As in managing and spending HER money as she sees fit?

I don't think it is hatred for "boomers". I love my aforementioned "boomer" relative very much.

It's more a fundamental difference in approach to money and family. Pretty much everyone here has agreed the MIL has the right to do what she wants, it is her money etc. But we are allowed opinions.

My relative is very much of the opinion it is their turn to enjoy life now, and when it comes to money that means keeping it and spending on luxuries. Again, completely their choice! But it does seem an anomaly when from an outside pov, it seems like it has always been their turn. Financial help (early, i.e. pre inheritance) both when young and later when having a family. As their parents were. And as I plan to - have already allocated fairly substantial funds for my children to get them started in life. But for that one generation, the wealth transfer seems to go just one way

It's not a question of it being an obligation. It is that many people think that families should love and support each other as much as they can. That works both ways. It is truly sad to see that so many OAPs on here hate their children and grandchildren and that their first assumption is that they are only after their money.

They are fake people if, and only if, they hang around with a view to securing their inheritance. If they would hang around her life even if she lost it all, then they are not fake people. If they would disappear if there was no benefit to them in any way, then they are fake people.

Some people do believe that their adult children benefit from achievement of their own. As I said earlier, I am sure she has some reasoning that makes sense to her.

Why are people stuck on the driving lessons? What next? Insurance and a luxury sports car when they pass?

And I’m not seeing anything that shows they aren’t fake

Presumably that are helping as the op has such forensic knowledge of the BIL’s finances, as well as the finances of the MIL.

I wish someone would explain why.

Popstar earns millions buys his parents a house, aw how lovely, what a wonderful, caring son.

Same son doesn’t become a millionaire pop star and is in customer service instead, but his parents are rich. They buy him a house. He’s an entitled, spoilt brat who can’t adult.

I'm wondering why OP's DH and the BIL are both in minimum wage jobs? Not that there is anything wrong with those jobs. They are important too. Maybe she sees a lack of ambition on her sons and doesn't want to encourage it?

If my kids were in minimum wage jobs in an area that made them happy, I'd have no problem with it. I just know how my own parents would think.

As I said, it is sad that you are such a suspicious, negative person who cheers someone like this who treates their immediate family with disdain and suspicion. It doesn't do you any credit.

Am conflicted about this really. It is her money and financially planning for care and independence over the remaining 25years of her life, so that she is not a burden - financially or otherwise - on her children may be uppermost in her mind. If she released the money now, yes the brother may be better off, but where does that leave the mother if she needs care home fees for 2-5 years before she passes? Should she risk having the bare minimum from the state, relying on getting her 70yo DCs to advocate for her at that time, when she has enough money to plan and protect herself independently?

I think this comes down to the you have no right to expect anything from anyone else, even and especially wealthy parents and should plan your life and finances accordingly. Having come from nothing I’ve never expected a thing from another person. However, for precisely that reason, we have ourselves financially planned to be able to support our children (and any grandchildren) for as long as possible whilst also safeguarding our position in very old age when we get there.

So I understand logically why the mother in this situation has no obligation to give to her children at this stage, but morally I couldn’t do it myself.

I think you should expect no financial support from your parents, but in reality we have arranged trusts etc. and provided cash for both our boys to buy their first properties and spend considerable time thinking about minimising IHT which essentially means a) gifting now in the hope you can live another 7 years and b) gifting out of surplus income. The second option may not be available to your MIL but she is heartless to sit and watch your BIL stuggle and stupid not to plan for IHT reduction.

It may be best to point out the tax options if she has a blind spot to the heartlessness, but it has to be done tactfully.

Maybe she's really philanthropic and gives loads away, not stingy, but has a reason she doesn't do the same for her sons? Only she could answer that.