To cancel this date?

[Letterstoyou]

I've got a first date tonight. Off one of the apps. We've been talking on the app for about a week. He seems nice enough.
I just dont want to go. Ive been single 6 years and feel like no one will ever want me. The last two men that I really liked, one had issues and then ghosted me and one said he couldn't commit to a relationship. I dont want something casual, it makes me feel used.
I just feel like I've got nothing to offer on this date tonight. I'm not funny or pretty or interesting. Im fat (Ive tried everything including therapy and weight loss injections but got pancreatitis and had to stop)
I dont want to sit in a restaurant and make small talk with a stranger.
Its so hard because it would be nice to meet someone who is nice but the dating process is awful.

Hi, sorry short notice but I think I’m jumped in to the apps a bit fast and im not ready for a dinner date. Would you be free for a coffee this afternoon instead?

I'd like to meet a partner but I find dates absolutely crushingly nerve racking and I just dont know why anyone would ever like me.

How lovely to name call someone that is struggling.

'Really sorry to mess you around but I can't make the date & I wish you all the best'.

Then block, if you want no further contact.

sweet Jesus

Just go. Don't back out now. He wouldn't want to meet you if he wasnt interested.

I think you should remove yourself from the dating apps if you have this frame of mind.

Please leave this thread.

Will do

and you leave the apps!!

See ya

You're not ill though.

Just say you're unable to make it if you've decided you don't want to go.

What do you like about you? What are your passions and your interests? What makes your eyes light up as you speak about them? (Either through excitement or fury!)

If you can answer that, there’s loads to like about you! If you can’t, then gently, dating really isn’t the next step, but neither is self-esteem coaching. (My questions would then be, what do you want your life to look like? And what baby steps could you take towards that?)

Ah this thread makes me a bit teary cos I resonate with it

I hope it all works out OP

I'd be interested to know how it does go if you go on it.

All of this!

Also remember it’s just a meet up, you don’t have to see it like a date. It’s date zero, where you decide whether to have a first date or not. And if nothing else, it’s a chance to meet someone new who might be interesting or have something to offer you. Or see it as good practice. I definitely found dating got easier the more I had and I think it helped me in other areas with meeting new people, chatting to them, how to make people feel comfortable.

id look at the burnt haystack dating method (think there’s a fb group) going forward. And the dating thread on here. I’ve said it before but my best outcome (other than DD) from my time OLD was meeting one of my very best friends on the dating thread on here.

I dont want to sit in a restaurant and make small talk with a stranger.
Its so hard because it would be nice to meet someone who is nice but the dating process is awful.

Perhaps they feel the same way, OP? Perhaps they're a really nice person and a great match for you.

You don't have anything nice to say about yourself and that's really sad. Think about what a friend or colleague would say about you, your best friend, your boss. If you've used recent and realistic photos on the app, your date knows what you look like and wants to meet. Is he Brad Pitt or something (showing my age there 😅)?

On a complete sidenote, have you ever had any counselling? To me and my armchair psychology, it sounds like you might be sabotaging yourself, and that includes being overweight, to make yourself 'unloveable' (in your own opinion) because of low self esteem.

Did you cancel yet?

If not, please don’t make an excuse about being ill, because if you do that knowing you’re not going to reschedule, it’s messing with his head.

Just be honest and tell him what you’ve told us; you’re just not ready and you’ve got some mental health issues that you’re dealing with. Make it clear he’s not the problem and it’s nothing he’s said or done. It’s really the only fair thing to do, and he deserves that courtesy.

I also agree you should come off the apps until you’re in a place where you can take it seriously too.

Do you think you would enjoy a different kind of meet up more? A walk at a local park with a cafe maybe? Something a bit more low key and less date-like?

Restaurant on a first date is too heavy. A glass of wine at a bar, or a nice pub for a drink or two is so much less pressure. Easier to keep it brief if you’re not feeling it, or extend the evening if you are! Then if you like eachother a second date could be at a restaurant.

Hope you fee better soon & find someone nice, if you want to.

Yeah, I've had 20 years of counselling on and off, NHS and private. Loads of different practitioners and methods. Most recently had weekly counselling for 3 years straight.

@Letterstoyou you message and tell him the truth. That you're really nervous about meeting up as you're struggling with confidence so not feeling confident enough to meet up this evening, but perhaps your could instead meet for coffee another weekend.

Honesty goes a long way, and you'll find out what sort of person this is by how he reacts.

This is good advice. Honestly; I don't know many people who love dating past a certain life stage but perhaps try not to take it too seriously and as a reflection on you if it doesn't work. I really know that it's difficult. Hope you either decide to go or make peace with not going. And take some time off it as it's clearly not good for you now.

OP please don’t cancel. Go on the date.. the right person will put you at ease and you’ll have a lovely time. If he’s not the right person then you’ve lost nothing by trying.

You say you are fat and not pretty.. he’s seen your photos and feels attracted to you. You’ve been chatting online so he must also have some idea of your personality. You don’t need to be funny to be a fantastic loving partner.

if you just cancel you have nothing to lose in being super open and telling him why. Maybe he’ll reassure you. Maybe he’ll just move on. But don’t tell him you are ill.. when he tries to reschedule it will be crystal clear that you have lied.

Change the date to just a coffee. He might not like you….buttttttt you might not like him ! Easier to go somewhere short and sweet unlike going for dinner with a stranger!

I get you , I really can’t be arsed with the dating scene but I’m probably older than you. If you go you both might click, you can’t tell on a first date, it’s like going to a job interview.

whatever you do, be true to yourself

I would message him now and say sorry, got cold feet, let's leave it . You are not in a space to meet a stranger , you need to feel cheery and confident for that!

I’d stick to the same time frame for ease but change it to juat a drink in pub /wine bar Instead.

i did tons of first meets off apps and all were arranged as drinks or coffees post work. Generally 2 dribks then off home to decide on whether to meet on an actual proper date.

(as I look over to the snoring lump that was once 2 drinks on a bank holiday Monday night)