To cancel this date?

[Letterstoyou]

I've got a first date tonight. Off one of the apps. We've been talking on the app for about a week. He seems nice enough.
I just dont want to go. Ive been single 6 years and feel like no one will ever want me. The last two men that I really liked, one had issues and then ghosted me and one said he couldn't commit to a relationship. I dont want something casual, it makes me feel used.
I just feel like I've got nothing to offer on this date tonight. I'm not funny or pretty or interesting. Im fat (Ive tried everything including therapy and weight loss injections but got pancreatitis and had to stop)
I dont want to sit in a restaurant and make small talk with a stranger.
Its so hard because it would be nice to meet someone who is nice but the dating process is awful.

I think its unfair on him if you're going in with such a negative mindset.

Don’t go. You need to come off the apps if this is how you feel as pointless arranging dates, chatting to people and not wanting to go on said date.

Can ypu change the date to a walk and coffee. Much shorter duration to start with so less pressure.
You went on the ap and chatted so sounds like you do want to meet someone but are scared he will reject you.
Just treat this as maybe making a new friend. You will either get on or not. If you don't get on then nothing lost. If you do get on maybe next time you could do something that takes a little longer you both enjoy - for me that would be going to an exhibition at an art gallery - what do you like to do?

Of course if I have misunderstood and you just don't want a new partner then of course you can cancel the date. "I'm really sorry i can't meet up. Sorry to mess you around." And block.

I think you're fine to cancel if that's what you feel like doing.

You don't sound ready to date, because you're feeling very negative about yourself.

Can you put the energy into yourself instead?

Third time lucky OP.
I'm sure you have plenty to offer. You see yourself in a negative light, it doesn't mean everyone sees you this way though. The previous two sounds like it with issues with them & not you.

Try not to overthink it and just go, otherwise you may regret not trying. Put some music on today, relax a bit and just try & enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work with him, it doesn't work, you've lost nothing by trying.

Also may I gently add, please get some support to build your self esteem.

Yep. You should definitely cancel with that attitude, don’t waste his time.

I would be asking myself why, if I have such a negative attitude to dating, I’m even on the app and talking to people, let alone arranging a date.

If you don’t have friendships or a social life that you find fulfilling, I’d look at joining something not relationship focused and try to improve your options for getting out and enjoying yourself - something that doesn’t focus on you being attractive to another person. Then, once you’re actually enjoying being “you”, are comfortable in the company of others and not so negative about what you have to offer, consider dipping your toe back in the dating game.

Letterstoyou You owe this man nothing. If you don't want to go, then don't. But please do the decent thing & tell him beforehand.

That said, I'm sorry that you are feeling so low.

I hear you. I used to think like this about myself. I had a first date & I was full of this negativity in my head ('It's alright messaging but I have nothing to actually 'say', I have no interests & he won't like me anyway') once I got on the date though I realised that I had plenty to.say. including talking about things that I was exited about doing in the future, even if I wasn't doing them right now, etc.

Once I'd had that first date it became much easier.

(Edited to say, I see that this isn't your very first date, you've been burned before, & I hear you on this too. It's hard as it knocks your confidence doesn't it)

Also, just a thought but you mention sitting in a restaurant. If you don't want to do that for a first date (& you still want to go) then change it to something else.

Hmmm okay. Maybe I should message now and cancel, at least its over 12 hours notice and he can do something else this evening. Regarding support for self esteem, I've had years of expensive therapy but its never worked.

You first date is dinner in a restaurant in the evening??!

noooo!

always go for a coffee first. Always.

Have you tried being around people who enjoy life, like people and have positive relationships?

Letterstoyou Is it 'him' or the thought of a date in general?

If it's nerves about the date in general then are you free earlier in the day (& is he) could you meet for a quick coffee or similar instead? Then it's 'Over with' & you aren't worrying about it all day (& it might even be alright!)

Well probably best you cancel if you feel like that but do as early as possible as you've already wasted this guys time and he may couldve made other plans instead

And as others said it's a bit pointless you being on the apps if you don't actually want to see people

Don’t go if you really don’t want to. Maybe take a break from apps ? Would you consider seeing a therapist to help work on your self confidence ? You seem too hard on yourself.

Honestly some of these replies 🤦‍♀️

Go on this date OP! I know its easier said than done but go and have fun. You will either like each other or you won't. It doesn't matter. On to the next!! Just go with positive thoughts and not all this negativity. I'm not saying you are unattractive but even the really unattractive people find someone to love. You are beautiful and you are worthy of finding love! Keep repeating that until you believe it!!! Please just go ❤️

It’s not clear to me if this is just a nervous wobble or if you’re just not in the right place to date.

Would you feel better about it if it was something more casual like a coffee or walk around some gardens?

It’s absolutely fine not to want to date. But I would stop using the apps for validation or to fill some kind of void if you actually don’t want to date atm. They are probably holding you back.

I've never had therapy for self esteem issues but I'm somewhat sceptical about it. My view is you can build self esteem by putting yourself out there and succeeding. My self esteem hasn't always been the best, but it fluctuates dependent on my experiences/ mood.

Maybe a restaurant meal with a stranger isn't something you can handle right now - it's quite daunting and intense if you are not feeling good about yourself. IMO it would be better to arrange a walk (where you don't need to face each other all the time) or visit a place of interest where you can talk about what you see if conversation doesn't flow all the time.

But also you need to see dating as a vetting process- you of them, as well as vice versa. You might click with him but if you don't, at least you've tried and you can move on.

But you have to believe you are a worthy attractive person - even if he doesn't find you so. Because otherwise no one you meet will believe it either. Most women are not technically drop dead gorgeous/ slim etc. A lot of them have partners who are attracted to them though! But it may take a while to find the right one.

Perhaps, as bedrn suggested you need to just find hobbies and friends first to boost your self esteem.

I was on dating apps for years (10!), which resulted in me meeting my lovely husband. However, a lot of the other men I met are now friends of mine. We got on well enough, just not in the right way to become a romantic relationship. I know have several much loved friends (and their spouses in most cases!), I’d never have had if I didn’t go on those dates.

Above posters are right, take the stress out of a long meeting and change it to a drink or a coffee. Then it’s only an hour at most if it’s awful (I’ve had some corkers!), but easy to extend if it’s going well. And just go with the mindset that you’re going to go and meet someone you already know you get on with (well enough by text anyway!) for a drink & chat. Try and take the pressure off yourself a little bit.

Or, let him know asap and cancel if that’s what you really want. But you wouldn’t have got this far through the process if some part of you didn’t want to! Good luck!

I know, a lot of them are really harsh and not very nice when I just needed support and advice. Slightly regretting posting.

Thank you so much x

Ph come on. Dont be such a drama llama . Where is a post that has so impacted you because “very harsh” 🙄

Cancel promptly
get off the apps until you actually intend to meet would
and when you return, arrange coffee for first meet up

What about arranging coffee only and actually tell him how you are feeling before you meet?

He might be a decent sort and meet you for a chat and then become a friend if nothing else.

I met DH when I was out with some friends and he then called them and asked for my number.

When I met him for coffee, I told him everything that was going on in my life at that point and he did the same. We were both upfront about our hang ups and issues. We met again and the attraction built despite we were a walking red flag to each other. Married nearly thirty years and he is still amazing to talk to.

What should i say in the message to cancel? That I'm ill or something?

Genuine question, why are you on the apps?

I don’t mean it sarcastically or harshly, but genuinely. Are you bored (perfectly acceptable reason! I admit that’s why I’ve been on sometimes!) looking for a connection, for friends, for romance, for a long term partner, something else?

It’s just that a date should feel exciting, not tedious (and believe me, I’ve found them tedious in the past too!) so if you’re finding them tedious maybe something else would be better.

Beating boredom, making connections etc can all be helped by joining local groups; finding things you genuinely enjoy (if you don’t already do them) would maybe also increase that self esteem and give you more to talk about on any future dates.

Like others say, if you’re not enjoying them, get off the apps and get to local groups and activities instead.