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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

161 replies

MyNavyFish · 18/04/2026 12:05

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheDellsYoursongNsoul · 18/04/2026 12:20

Your body has been through hell and he's hinting at'not getting any'.
Way to go selfish sod.

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:29

Absolutely not unreasonable. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its very understandably how you feel.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner is using pornography/sexual content/lusting over others. Both me and partner

Have had open conversations and agreed we do not agree with pornography or lusting over others at all. We focus our intimacy completely on eachother.

Post partum is such a tough and delicate time he should be supporting you and sharing intimacy with you in a way that works for you both. Not putting pressure on you. Men are perfectly capable of not masturbating for a while or just masturbating with no pornography.

Do you feel you you could have a conversation with him about how you feel?

EvolvedAlready · 18/04/2026 12:31

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

I agree with this.

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:35

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

I also agree with this. It's not unreasonable that you don't want to know the details, and it's not unreasonable that your sex drive is minimal (please try not to worry, it will get better!) but I'm the meantime his sex drive hasn't gone anywhere. It's not unfair of him to want to have sex, and he's made comments because in an ideal world he wants it with you! But failing that, rather than pressuring you or seeking sex elsewhere, both of which would clearly be extremely wrong, sorting himself out is the only thing he really can do.

Sonato · 18/04/2026 12:38

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:35

I also agree with this. It's not unreasonable that you don't want to know the details, and it's not unreasonable that your sex drive is minimal (please try not to worry, it will get better!) but I'm the meantime his sex drive hasn't gone anywhere. It's not unfair of him to want to have sex, and he's made comments because in an ideal world he wants it with you! But failing that, rather than pressuring you or seeking sex elsewhere, both of which would clearly be extremely wrong, sorting himself out is the only thing he really can do.

Show quote history

Nails it.

Hes doing nothing wrong, nor are you.

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

HardFuckingBird · 18/04/2026 12:40

He is not being unreasonable to have a sex drive. It sounds like he's managing those needs respectfully. Plenty of men start having affairs of their marriage is sexless. I think porn is the least bad option here. Personally I'd be trying to resume a healthy sex life in your shoes - most men express love physically, and your relationship may go further downhill if you can't be physical together.

HRTQueen · 18/04/2026 12:45

Did pp not read how the op’s dh is always making comments about not getting any that is nasty

whats wrong with him going off having a quiet time to himself and supporting his wife who has been through a difficult time and is exhausted

the bar is so low for men

LavenderSweetPea · 18/04/2026 12:47

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

Show quote history

But he was trying to do it in private, he thought she'd gone out. It's not flaunting it in her face or trying to hurt her.

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:47

HRTQueen · 18/04/2026 12:45

Did pp not read how the op’s dh is always making comments about not getting any that is nasty

whats wrong with him going off having a quiet time to himself and supporting his wife who has been through a difficult time and is exhausted

the bar is so low for men

She specifically says his comments have not been nasty and I don't find it remarkable that after 8 months he's expressed the fact that he misses having sex with his wife. He's not demanding it, he's not being a dick about it. He's just saying he misses it. And sorting himself out in the meantime.

Weegielassie · 18/04/2026 12:48

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

I agree.

crowfollower · 18/04/2026 12:48

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:24

I know this is an unpopular view but very gently, I do think you're being unreasonable. It sounds as though your husband, although he clearly does miss sex and want it to resume, hasn't been nasty about it and is sorting himself out. A lot of men (and women) use porn solely as a visual aid. He's not necessarily imagining himself with those women and even if he were, that doesn't mean he wouldn't much prefer to be having sex with you. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean anything.

I would try to let it go, assuming he is a good husband and father.

Absolutely this.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/04/2026 12:50

Depending where you were off to I'd probably be more annoyed that he'd rather have a wank than join DS and yourself when he already works unsociable hours so must miss a lot of day-to-day stuff.

8 months including C-section recovery and pnd/PNA is no time at all. Don't feel rushed to be back on form until you are ready. Going back to work (assuming you are) will naturally push you to do some of the self care things you've listed, and help you be more than just an exhausted mum.

Does DH do his fair share with your DS when he is around and able?

LadyTable · 18/04/2026 12:53

If you take away the ethical issues (which is not what you're posting about), I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

He's not wrong to want to relieve himself and you're not wrong to be too tired for sex.

Whaleandsnail6 · 18/04/2026 13:07

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

Show quote history

But he was trying to do it in secret, in an empty house. Op would not have known had she not come back for her bag and guessed what he was doing.

I don't think he would have flaunted, or even told op so he wasn't trying to hurt her. He was trying to do it without her knowing,in an empty house. When other should he do it?

Besidemyselfwithworry · 18/04/2026 13:10

Do you really want a man who does this to you when you’re at your most vulnerable? What’s the next step, chat rooms then prostitution
I wouldn’t want that for myself or for my child to have a father like that
always amazed on some of the low standards people seem to have with this sort of thing - it’s horrible and OP and her baby deserve better.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/04/2026 13:11

Why do men need to watch porn? In a VR headset, no less?
Men managed their sex drives before dirty magazines and films. They could choose to manage it now.

If he worked a bit harder on looking after his wife and child, he’d probably have less energy for it.

Honestly I’m amazed how many women think porn is essential to men. How ridiculous.

Netcurtainnelly · 18/04/2026 13:13

HardFuckingBird · 18/04/2026 12:40

He is not being unreasonable to have a sex drive. It sounds like he's managing those needs respectfully. Plenty of men start having affairs of their marriage is sexless. I think porn is the least bad option here. Personally I'd be trying to resume a healthy sex life in your shoes - most men express love physically, and your relationship may go further downhill if you can't be physical together.

plenty of men don't. Sex isn't the be all and end all you know. Nobody died ever from not having sex

Netcurtainnelly · 18/04/2026 13:14

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 18/04/2026 13:11

Why do men need to watch porn? In a VR headset, no less?
Men managed their sex drives before dirty magazines and films. They could choose to manage it now.

If he worked a bit harder on looking after his wife and child, he’d probably have less energy for it.

Honestly I’m amazed how many women think porn is essential to men. How ridiculous.

Yes or got another hobby or interest.

Velvetandleather · 18/04/2026 13:16

I’m not sure what you expect him to do op. You understandably don’t want to have sex with him, but also don’t wish him to masturbate? The porn is just a tool for that.

I think it’s a bit much to be honest. Or do you wish him to masturbate and use his mind only?

do you want him just to suffocate his sexual urges?

seventeenofsumday · 18/04/2026 13:16

Not sure I agree with most of the comments on letting this go and not being unreasonable. I don't know why but this would really upset me that as soon as I'm out the door (literally) he has to watch porn, as if he was just waiting for me to leave!! Also not sure on the vr headset thing - is that what makes porn seem like it's being done to you like point of view?? Again I'd be having a conversation with him about this and expressing my concerns that this doesn't become something that he does all the time - I can imagine vr porn being more addictive and stimulating than standard watching porn on a non vr device so I'd be keeping an eye on that. I'm probably just a control freak but I would be hurt by this op and I can see why you are

HRTQueen · 18/04/2026 13:18

BeaRightThere · 18/04/2026 12:47

She specifically says his comments have not been nasty and I don't find it remarkable that after 8 months he's expressed the fact that he misses having sex with his wife. He's not demanding it, he's not being a dick about it. He's just saying he misses it. And sorting himself out in the meantime.

Show quote history

Again you have missed the part where he is always making comments

that is nasty in itself the op has been through a very difficult time

do we have to wait for men to actually say cruel words be physical before we pull them up on their behaviour

so what he is a bit sexually frustrated he can manage that while being respectful, supportive and loving towards his wife

TheIceBear · 18/04/2026 13:19

Besidemyselfwithworry · 18/04/2026 13:10

Do you really want a man who does this to you when you’re at your most vulnerable? What’s the next step, chat rooms then prostitution
I wouldn’t want that for myself or for my child to have a father like that
always amazed on some of the low standards people seem to have with this sort of thing - it’s horrible and OP and her baby deserve better.

🙄

Velvetandleather · 18/04/2026 13:19

MightyGoldBear · 18/04/2026 12:39

Thats fine if you as the partner arent particularly bothered either way but it's hurting op. Why should her partners want for masturbating over other women trump her hurt? Surely in a relationship we priotise our partners feelings over seeing others naked?
Op isn't saying he shouldn't masturbate at all but running up stairs with his VR the moment she's gone seems particularly obvious and hurtful.

Show quote history

That’s a disgusting thing tk say, his need to masturbate over other women, what on earth is wrong with you. I’m sure he’d prefer to have sex with his wife, but his marriage is celibate, so he’s quietly dealing with it when she’s not there, and he’s not being a dick about it either.

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