AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

[MyNavyFish]

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

His marriage isn’t celibate the op has recently had her husbands baby

He isn’t quietly dealing with it as he keeps mentioning not having sex

Does nobody else find it particularly tragic that he watches porn on a VR headset ffs??

I just can’t with these sad little gamers who need to put their fantasy goggles on all the time.

I don’t think anyone asked you to. So you can calm down, and maybe help the op.

The marriage is celibate now, I didn’t say it had always been celibate.

what on earth is wrong with people. Arguing semantics instead of helping.

I think my obvious comment has been misinterpreted. I'm saying it's very obvious to op where his intentions are focused. If I popped back in to the house to grab my bag my dh Is likely to be right wherever I left him. Not running up the stairs with his vr headset in hand because he couldn't wait a moment longer for me to leave.
I don't think masturbation should be done in secrecy. Privacy and secrecy are different things. If we are saying it's not a hurtful activity to op then why should it be done in secret to op? That's a dangerous mindset to start having in a relationship. Affairs/cheating happen in secret. Why cant he just masturbate in the shower if the moment takes him rather than all this planning and secrecy. He doesn't need pornography or a vr headset. Just his hand. Then he would be free to accompany his family on a day out. obviously don't have all the information as to where op was going and why he wasn't joining so who knows.

Absolutely agree how far does porn have to go

there is something about it that feels more involved than looking at a website or pictures it’s gross

This. He's perfectly capable of masturbating while using his imagination - and if he's not, that's an issue in and of itself.

Yes, it's reasonable for him to be frustrated about a lack of physical intimacy, but it's not reasonable for him to watch porn, especially when it upsets OP.

If he wants intimacy then he should be trying to actively support his wife in ways that will encourage her mental health and energy levels to improve so she might (eventually) want to engage in it. And seeing him trotting upstairs to masturbate and watch porn while she looks after the baby is not going to do that for her. Ditto to always making comments about how he's not getting any, putting pressure on her to 'perform' for him or feel like she's lacking.

Giving her time and space to decompress and engage in her own self-care would be much more useful to both him and her. But that would also require actual work, and he sounds like a short-sighted, selfish sod.

So no, OP - you're not being unreasonable.

Too many words in that title. “AIBU to feel hurt (also furious, outraged, disappointed) that DH watches porn.” Stop there.

you used the word …

Because some of us on here are trying to support the op in not feeling she is in the wrong and not minimise her feelings

not lower her bar to appease her dh’s feelings

Well he didn’t intend for her to see him and quite frankly it is no one’s business how he chooses to masturbate.

the utter controlling nature of deciding how someone is allowed to masturbate is horrifying.

Hardly. Just pointing out that it’s a choice he is making above other choices that may benefit his marriage.

My intention was to show solidarity with the OP in finding this sad and hurtful, rather than piling on with everyone else saying ‘the poor man has needs!’ while ignoring the difficult time she’s had with the birth and her body, and his nagging her about sex, and the fact she’s off out with the baby while he stays at home strapping himself into an alternative sexual fantasy world most likely peopled by AI generated young girls’ bodies or weird pre pubescent anime schoolgirls made up to suit men’s grim fantasies.

I do think that’s grim and selfish, and I’m not going to join in making this OP’s problem and telling her to get over herself and count her blessings that she has a husband who will jerk off in private rather than assaulting her or relentlessly badgering her into sex she doesn’t want.

Is this really where we’ve got to?

No, it's not. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to not want their partner to watch porn, and to have that as a deal breaker. People can have deal breakers regarding smoking, drugs, drinking, gambling - and in the case of porn, it's unethical, addictive, and totally unnecessary, and totally fine to not tolerate.

It's also damaging OP's self image at a time when she needs her husband to be supporting and uplifting her, not running off to watch 'point of view' porn in a VR headset that makes it easier for him to imagine the porn star is having sex with him.

Not to mention, he keeps making little comments about how he misses sex, as though to put pressure on her - but doesn't seem to be doing anything that might make her more amenable to resuming sex.

(ETA: Not that I think she should be having sex with him, but from his perspective that's what he wants, so you'd think he'd do things that might make her feel supported, loved, relaxed, and attractive, not leaving her to feel small, unattractive, stressed, and unsupported while he wanks over porn.)

You deserve so much better.

Please consider leaving him. His behaviour is not normal; it’s abusive.

I hate pornography- many men do too and my DH would never watch it because he knows it’s disrespectful to women and damaging.

You’re recovering from having his baby- he should be caring for you, not doing this.

Start getting things ready to leave him when you’ve recovered. Your child doesn’t need a crap father like this.

No. Attitudes like this are everything that’s wrong with the world (well, some of it). Here is a woman who has physically been through hell and quite naturally does not want sex. It doesn’t mean she will never want sex again (and if she does feel this way that’s fine too) but certainly for now it’s off the cards and that’s okay. Marriage is more than about sex. Her dh can masturbate all he wants but cracking one off to some porn the minute she steps out the door is horrid. I’m sure there are a million things around the house he could be doing instead in some helpful contribution. It’s okay to find porn disgusting and for it to be a deal breaker.

When I was younger (45 now) I would have had the same attitude as many on this thread saying it’s fine etc even though actually I was not fine with it, because society (men!) want to make us think we have to accept but actually we don’t! I would rather be on my own than having sex I don’t want and stuck with some grubby little man wanking off to porn whilst I recovered from a hideous birth and looked after our child. Fuck that.

I’m also sorry to see @BeaRightThere and @EvolvedAlready condoning his behaviour.

It’s not normal, it’s not ok and everyone doesn’t do it.

Sadly they’ve internalised misogyny. Listen to your instincts - don’t put up with this.

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt - and many women can recognise feeling low and hating the way your body changed; being tired; having no energy.

It will all pass, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Your H is not the reason you feel how you feel - the early years with our babies are tough for many women.

I’d join with the others in saying - focus on surviving. If you can get more help - do! Or simplify things - so that you get more rest? And slowly you’ll start coming out of it.

You H is also just trying to survive. He is working hard - and more hours for his family. He seems to be a good H/father - does he help when he can?

As to sex - it is really a simple physical need. Porn doesn’t make you imagine having sex with another person - it just stimulates some visual part of the brain, and leads to a quicker release.
I’d go as far as to say - masturbating without porn would actually require one to imagine a scenario where a real person is involved.
And it’s not as much fun masturbating imagining your spouse - when you can imagine [insert favourite celebrity, sexy neighbour, etc]….

So - really - let him be and focus on yourself.
He’d rather have sex with you and he is giving you time and space to get back to wanting it again. While dealing with his needs discretely.

He shouldn't be making comments or pressuring you - he could definitely also be a lot more subtle about it - its giving the ick

Well that's fine for you in your relationship but actually many people feel it is there business because of that secrecy. when does it cross the line to being op business? If he is using family money to pay for only fans? If he is looking at children?
Personally in my relationship transparency is key if I share a life money and children then to a degree how my partner chooses to masturbate is my business. That's not controlling. That partner has full agency to leave the relationship if we have different views.

I'm in agreement with this.

We are all sexual beings and have needs. Seems he is just meeting his own needs and doesn't appear to be being nasty or putting pressure on the OP to have sex.

Leave the guy be if this is his release.

Nobody says anything trumps the other, he has needs and so does she. What’s missing here is maybe DH helping OP with her own self confidence

Oh my god. You need to stop. And am reporting this, how dare you move to paedophilia.

Yes I thought at least it was better catching him running up the stairs on the way to wank than the alternative of walking in on a half naked headset wearing man thrusting into his fist 😂

Jesus, standards are low. The OP says he's always making comments - nasty or not, it's pressuring to hear your partner constantly complain that you're not having sex with them when you're postpartum and dealing with a good deal of issues relating to that.

But yes, you're quite right: it does seem that he is just meeting his own needs. In fact, it seems to be all about his own selfish needs.

She didn’t say he was complaining, making comments is not automatically a complaint and post partum is technically up to 6 weeks post birth.