AIBU to feel hurt that DH watches porn while I'm postpartum?

[MyNavyFish]

I have an 8 month DS and have suffered from PND and PNA. My DH works unsociable hours and has been working more as my SMP will stop.

Since giving birth my self confidence is at an all time low. I had a complicated birth resulting i an emergency C-section and was poorly after. I have severe hair loss, terrible cystic acne and as I have DS on my own all the time I have no time for self care like hair, make up and nails. My body has changed and I have no idea what to wear.

At night when DS goes to bed I'm exhausted and after tidying up and washing/sterilising/eating I go to bed too.

My sex drive is pretty much non existant but I've explained to DH why I feel this way. He is always making comments about not getting any albeit they are not nasty.

Yesterday DS and I were going out and I forgot his bag. The front door was already locked and DH was running up the stairs carrying his VR headset. I knew instantly that he was going to watch porn. I just said, "I know what you're doing " and left. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I feel so sad. I understand he has sexual urges but my self confidence is so low and the fact he is imagining sex with other women who have beautiful bodies makes me feel even worse.

AIBU?

This. As far as I'm concerned it's tantamount to cheating. As for the ethical issues, I'm afraid I cannot set those aside.

Porn is the scourge of society.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Don't let anyone gaslight you and make you feel less than because you feel this way about your DH viewing porn, including himself.

That being said, he does deserve attention as much as (and more than) the house and chores. If they are making you so tired that you are not able to give him attention, then it's okay to let those things wait so you can rekindle the bond with your DH.

He'll be okay with an untidy house if it means he gets to spend time with you.

Have you 2 had a date night in awhile? Maybe you need a romantic day planned, weekly or every other week, so you can spend time together? It might help rekindle things for the both of you.

Of course it has. How is that relevant to someone watching on line pornography today?

Men need to release sperm. How would you prefer he does it if you aren’t helping him along?
This is the stage where may men cheat due to lack of sex. As women, we can’t understand how important sex is for men. Either give him sex, let him cheat or let him watch his porn - or let him go completely.

just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t. I think he’s handled it well. Sorry you’re upset - j would be too but then my logical side would kick in.

My ex husband had a huge issue with pornography. I first found out when I found a vhs tape just after I had my first baby. I destroyed the tape after putting it into the video machine and releasing what it was.
It didn’t stop him. Then it was DVDs and finally the online porn. He had a job where he was home for long periods of time and would constantly be online watching this material. He would still pester me for sex which was extremely off putting because he was unable to perform because of all the wanking. It was sickening and revolting. He was so addicted to it he couldn’t and wouldn’t stop. I was also subjected to ideas and suggestions which he’d clearly seen on his porn sites. Humiliation type scenarios. Again, sickening and dehumanising.
Porn isn’t harmless.

God, men really can’t be subtle can they? We know a lot of them watch porn so don’t take it too hard. I’ve caught my husband out a few times, but to be honest it doesn’t really bother me. Good chance to take the piss. This is more about you and how you’re feeling and coping. Don’t fixate on the porn because that’s not the real issue here - focus on finding ways to get yourself back to feeling like you again x

Nobody is saying he can’t “release sperm”. Wouldn’t want his balls going blue after all! The point is him using images of potentially exploited, trafficked women to do it. And his lack of….sensitivity… towards the mother of his child.

A VR headset to watch porn is the ultimate ick Christ alive I honestly can’t believe I’ve just read that and people are defending it as normal.

Omg people like this live breathe and exist

Agree with this.

This thread is NOT about masturbation. It’s about the use of porn.

Exactly CurlewKate

Oh my god this, with bells on! Best post on the thread. One poster describes those of us who have a problem with online porn as pearl-clutching weirdos - I don't think she's ever seen any of the content you've described. I know I have, and it's grim upon grim. And yet full-grown men are happily wanking to it every minute of the day.

I had a partner like this - and all the suggestions from the online porn he'd watched. So depressingly grim

I hate that I have to play devils advocate but it is a massive leap to assume that because someone consumes ‘porn’ (which is a very broad medium) that they’re viewing that specific porn mentioned. I think a lot of people find that gross and a turn off. I would imagine OF type content with solo women is a lot more popular than triple anal gangbangs.

In this specific case, if the DH is using a VR headset he might not even be looking at real people, it could be a video game.

Oh OP... I was married to one of these clowns.
They need to be taken out back, wearing their VR headsets, and shot at dawn.
I will wear that t-shirt.
My sincere advice to you is this: When you are truly ready (do not rush), return to work- part time even, keep paying into your pension, make sure your child benefit is coming in, keep protecting your potential to earn and grow in your career. Be financially savvy.
You may grow old together. But like a good scout, be prepared not to grow old together.
The VR headset is just a whole other level of clown show.
My condolences.
But... congratulations on your beautiful baby. He will be your life's joy. He'll give you the strength and purpose to get through all of life's ups and downs.

I find it extraordinary that so many women are not engaging with the issue of porn use.

I hate that I have to play devils advocate but it is a massive leap to assume that because someone consumes ‘porn’ (which is a very broad medium) that they’re viewing that specific porn mentioned. I think a lot of people find that gross and a turn off. I would imagine OF type content with solo women is a lot more popular than triple anal gangbangs.

Sweet summer child... it starts with OF and moves on to the triple anal gangbang (and the rest) mighty fast. No leaps required.

Is this for f'ing real in 2026? Men "need" to release sperm? No self control, self restraint, nothing in life but just sperm to be released?? Is this some kind of joke? I can't even respond to this because I think I'd get kicked off for all of the f word that wants to come out of my fingers onto a response. Beggars belief!!

CurlewKate meet Laila Mickelwait.

it is a massive leap to assume that because someone consumes ‘porn’ (which is a very broad medium) that they’re viewing that specific porn mentioned. I think a lot of people find that gross and a turn off. I would imagine OF type content with solo women is a lot more popular than triple anal gangbangs

Absolutely this. As soon as anyone mentions porn on Mumsnet, immediately says 'It's trafficked women being raped' or 'It's women being fisted and choked'.

The reality is that the vast majority of porn is really not like that all. Most men are looking at women performing solo, two women performing together or threesomes. And the chances of someone performing in porn having been trafficked are far, far less likely than the chances of someone being trafficked to work in a nail bar, a fruit farm, a garment factory or a restaurant kitchen.

Of course there is horrific content out there. But horrific and illegal practices exist in lots of industries. It doesn't mean they're the norm.

You're on here suggesting men should literally be 'shot at dawn' for looking at adults having consensual sex, so I don't think you're in any position to talk about escalation to violence, really.

Know her well.

The vast majority of online porn is fully consenting, well paid women having safe sex they enjoy?
Citation needed.

What absolute bollocks, probably written by a man.